phd long distance relationship

What no one told me about grad school: long-distance means far away

To say that I underestimated moving across the United States is an understatement. I grew up in a small-ish town in Southern California and went to college a short 50-minute drive away. I thought this meant that I had “moved out,” like a real adult. But I would soon learn that going to your childhood home every other weekend to do laundry doesn’t count. Like most Californians, I was certain that I was never leaving California. I planned to go to grad school programs somewhere close, but not too close, like San Diego or Los Angeles. I wasn’t even letting my imagination venture as far as Davis or Berkeley. It’s almost endearing to look back at how naïve I was.

So of course, after powering through a bachelor’s degree in mathematics, I got accepted into the mathematics Ph.D. program at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. You know, 3,000 miles away from my beloved California. I was so excited, and all my friends and family were ridiculously proud of me. I was accepting that offer faster than you can say, “Pack your bags.” Every time someone mentioned how far away it was, I thought, “Pshhh, I’m an adult. I’ve lived away from home. I’ll be fine!” True, it’s not like everyone abandoned me. I had Facebook, a smartphone, and Skype. How could I be alone when technology was on my side? But a pesky three-hour time difference, a dramatic change in scenery, and new cultural norms meant reading texts and occasionally seeing the faces I love on a screen wasn’t cutting it.

Now, I know that for international students, this shock is way more extreme. I have the utmost respect for someone who, not only leaves their state or province, but leaves their country to pursue educational or work-related opportunities. I’m hoping those individuals will give me a little slack here and relate to my story, even though I didn’t have to learn a new language or currency system. I don’t write this to discourage anyone from traveling for college, work, or graduate school. I write this so that, when the time comes, you’re ready to make that transition and are prepared to work harder in your social life than you had in the past. Long-distance relationships can mean many things, so I’ll break mine down into three categories: Friends, Family, and My Partner.

No one tells you this on graduation day, but making friends as an adult can be rough. There’s no compulsory reason for you to be in the same place at the same time. There are no more convenient times where you all happen to be free every week to hang out. And the people around you are most likely no longer at the same life stage as you. My advice to you here? Invest in others. Be proactive, and be reliable. It may seem weird at first to have to schedule extremely specific times to hang out, (Can you get coffee with me this Tuesday from 1:30-2:00 PM at *inset central location here*?) but it’s worth it. And don’t flake out! For faraway friends, I recommend scheduled online group chats like Google Hangout. This takes investment from all parties, but it allows you structured, intentional time to catch up on everything going on in your lives. It can be a lifesaver to have something familiar like this to look forward to, especially when you’ve gone on a few awkward coffee dates with potential new friends.

None of these topics have an easy answer, but this one may be the most difficult. Family relationships are tough, and this section only really makes sense if you want to stay in touch with your family. Some things that helped me were frequent, predictable phone calls. My mom commutes to work around 5:30 AM in California. I commute to work around 8 AM on the East Coast. Perfect timing for a daily car ride chat about the goings-on in our lives, the weather, the news, anything that was on our minds. Another thing people typically love is getting real mail . I send more birthday cards than birthday texts, and I made it a conscious point to send a Christmas card every year. I didn’t know if these made a difference, but when I visited my husband’s side of the family, the Christmas cards were almost the first thing everyone mentioned. Finally, book some trips. And remind your family that planes fly in both directions. I visited home often, but it was nothing compared to the excitement of showing my mom, grandma, and aunt around my new home in New England. It made me truly appreciate where I was living and created a fondness for my new home now that I had memories of my family having brunch at one of my favorite local breakfast spots.

I consider my husband and me pretty much pros at long-distance. Not only am I a grad student, but he’s in the US Navy. Talk about jobs that take you to faraway places.  We met in California weeks before I flew to Massachusetts for grad school and he flew to Illinois for boot camp. While I continued to live in the Northeast, he moved to South Carolina and upstate New York over 2.5 years of training. Oh, and did I mention that somewhere in there we got married in California? Planning a wedding from 3,000 miles away when your partner is 1,000 miles from you is no joke. The “two-body problem” of coordinating where you and your partner will be in a transitionary period of your lives is always difficult. You both need to be understanding and, above all, excellent at communicating. Compassion is key. This type of situation only works when you’re each willing to support the other, no matter how much you don’t understand what they’re going through. The enemies here? Jealousy, immaturity, and insecurity. Despite what magazines, romantic comedies, or Nick Jonas tell you, unfounded jealousy is not a compliment. These are things that need to be communicated through early and often. Nothing says grudge like waiting to address something until you see your partner in person 57 days from now. The moral of the story is: long-distance means far away. Be realistic about where you’re going, and be ready to put in more effort than you’ve had to in the past. Relationships of all kinds require investment, communication, and empathy. But investment in others often leads to investment in your own wellbeing. “When you really want something, you will find a way. When you don’t really want something, you’ll find an excuse.” – Rachel Hollis.

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Long-distance relationships in a PhD program

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By laurendini March 11, 2012 in Officially Grads

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So I'm new to the forums, but would like some insights from other grads.

I just got an offer from PSU for their dual-title History/Women's Studies program. I am really excited about it and planning to accept the offer, but I'm nervous about what will happen with my boyfriend and I. He is doing a master's at a university in the Rockies (where we're both from) and plans to work at a specific lab in Denver once he is finished. I am hoping to get a job in the Denver-area after grad school, but in the meantime I'm not sure how we'll cope with the distance. We've been together for four years and did semi-long-distance during college (he was in WY, I was in CO), which I suppose makes us decently equipped to handle it. We are both committed to staying together so a "break" or break-up is not on the table. I just hate the idea of waiting 5-6 more years to start our life together.

So my question is: does anyone have any tips on how to do a long-distance relationship during grad school (or anything to avoid)? I would appreciate any advice/insight from folks who have experience with this.

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StrangeLight

first, as a historian, you should know that the job market is super-shitty and if you hope to work in academia as a professor, you'll have almost no control over where you get a job. if you get a job. so moving to the denver area when you're done your PhD is only a realistic objective if you don't plan to be a professor. if you're okay with that, cool. if not, then you need to do a little reading up on the state of the job market and have some serious conversations with your boyfriend.

but the good news is, once you're done your coursework (3 years or so, usually), you're ABD (all but dissertation) and onto the researching and writing phase. if you can secure a few fellowships during those years, you can easily move to the denver area and live with your boyfriend while you write. so you don't have to see the separation as 5-6 years, more like 3-4.

• Rachel B and the007expert

My best advice - avoid it!

Honestly, if you're going to go into academia, you'll have to move wherever you can get a job. That is the reality, especially if you want tenure track at some point. Your partner is going to have to move with you and possibly sacrifice their career in order to do this unless they work in a field that is easily transferrable.

My husband's a prof. My career isn't really great where we live which is why I am going back to grad school

Sometimes, if both husband and wife are in academia you can arrange a spousal hire, if they really want you or him.

True, though this is getting harder and harder. The uni has to really, really want one of them. A lot of faculties *won't* do faculty spousal hires (in case something happens to the relationship). With most spousal hires I know, the spouse has some sort of lesser contract than the main prof (i.e. not tenure track)

I'd say avoid it if you can. My SO and I have been long distance for the past 2 years for our Masters, and we're doing it again for our PhDs (another 4-5 years, oy). It's not fun, and costly on frequent plane tickets. And honestly, as a PhD student, there even LESS time available for a Skype chat via time differences. Long story short: it sucks. Avoid at all costs if possible.

peppermint.beatnik

In the five years I've been with my partner, two of them have been long distance: one when I was completing my Masters; I lived overseas for 7 months; now I'm in my first year of a PhD program.

I think it's doable as long as you both have the same or similar expectations. If you absolutely need to see one another frequently, this is not the type of relationship that will work long-term.

I talk to my partner twice a day, which helps, although I'm in the same time zone as him.

I wouldn't do it if its in any way avoidable. Been long distance with mine for a year now and it can be very hard on a relationship. Everyone involved has to be very understanding and even then...its hard and lonely and can make you slightly bitter at times. And like others said - to continue to pursue your career it would likely be longer than 5-6 years... and 5-6 years alone is a VERY long time.. especially as you are getting older, wanting to be more settled and wanting something more permanent, as some people do. Is there a way you guys could take turns or he could transfer or reconsider where he wants to work when he's done - and then when you are done you go where he wants/do what he wants to do?

I hate to jump in on this and make you feel worse but I agree with the above... Just got out of a +3 year long distance relationship and while I was always happy with the relationship, the distance really did us in (400 miles apart). It is just so hard to depend on someone to be there for you when they're not physically with you. And when you're really stressed out that unfortunately can manifest itself in the relationship via way of small fights, snippy comments, etc. It was a huge learning experience for me and I was very, very happy most of the time but I wouldn't recommend it to others to embark on

NinjaMermaid

I have two friends who are doing this right now, one situation has ended very badly and the next will more than likely end badly (going by what she has said). It always depends on the couple of course, but distance puts a serious strain on relationships. In the first they had been together for years before he moved to grad school, in the second they had only been together for a month but had been friends for a year.

LeAnn Beeler

Is it scary? Yes. Is it doable? Yes. Beginning in August I will be moving three hours from my partner to start my Ph.D. work. We have been together 5 years and we have had various short term separations related to business travel, but nothing like this will be. I am scared and worried, but my partner made it clear that she isn't going anywhere.

My best advice - avoid it! Honestly, if you're going to go into academia, you'll have to move wherever you can get a job. That is the reality, especially if you want tenure track at some point. Your partner is going to have to move with you and possibly sacrifice their career in order to do this unless they work in a field that is easily transferrable. My husband's a prof. My career isn't really great where we live which is why I am going back to grad school

Just curious, but you say that one person or the other usually has to sacrifice their career because you have to move where you get a job...what are you planning on doing with your husband? How do 2 academics make it work?

Haha, this is the reason I decided to change fields. My ultimate goal is to get some adjunct work or even research work at his/our current university. If I were to get a TT position there, great, but it is unlikely. I don't think we would actively pursue spousal hire positions elsewhere, but who knows.

Most of the academic couples we know have either managed a spousal hire (usually one spouse doesn't have TT) or the spouse does adjunct.

We were in a similar field up until now, so this is why I am changing. Our uni doesn't often do spousal hires within the faculty and I've applied for teaching positions there (and been passed over). I don't want to wait forever for something that probably won't materialize, so I have decided to make a change.

The thing for me is that I want to keep my current very part time job within my field (it's tenured) while also doing something new - academia is one of the few options that would allow this.

Does that answer your question?

• 3 weeks later...

rockandroll

Here's my experience: I was accepted into three master's programs last month. All were equally good schools. One offered me full funding, but would require me to move very far away from my boyfriend and everyone else that I know. My boyfriend had initially said that he would move with me wherever I went, but as it turned out, there wasn't a single job in his area of expertise in the entire area surrounding the school. So I was essentially left to choose between a school that would do anything to get me to go there and which was a great fit for me, but which would require me to leave behind everyone that I know, including my boyfriend; and a school in my area that had everything that I was looking for, but which couldn't offer me full funding and wasn't as wonderful a fit- but it would allow me to maintain all of the important relationships that I gained in college. After a few weeks of intense emotional turmoil while I was trying to decide (read: me bursting into tears at the thought of having to turn down any of these schools), I realized that while my education and career are an enormously important part of my life, so are my relationships and friendships. I had to ask myself if I would really be happy if I gave up everything that I like about my life in order to attend a school just because they were giving me a full scholarship, and I think I'm realizing that I wouldn't be happy with that. I haven't committed 100% to any school, but I'm meeting with my potential advisor at the school in my area on Friday to make sure that I could adapt the program to my needs if I chose to attend, and it seems like they want me badly enough and believe in my rightness for the program enough that they'll be willing to accommodate my interests.

It's all about priorities and being honest with yourself. If you won't be happy unless you pursue this particular opportunity, then you need to do that, and it is possible to make a long-distance relationship work if you and your boyfriend are both on the same page and are equally committed to making it work. However, not having him there will make a huge difference in your daily life, and in your relationship, and it's important to be realistic about that fact. It is possible that you could be sacrificing your relationship for this opportunity, because distance places so much strain on everything, and so you really need to figure out what is most essential to your happiness in the long run. I'm lucky to have several options to choose from, and I think I'm going to go with the one that involves the least amount of sacrifice, but which I can also customize to fit my needs. Maybe there's an in-between for you too.

dimanche0829

You are obviously aware that the distance has the potential to wreak havoc on your relationship, and have already indicated in your post that you have no intention of breaking things off with him, so I'm not going to give you the usual "don't do it" bit.

First, you need to know and believe that it's totally possible to survive a long distance relationship; I did it myself for several years and am now engaged. It's obviously difficult and emotionally taxing, but if you go into a LDR with doubts, or constantly question whether or not you'll be together in the end, that negativity will slowly seep into the foundation of your relationship and it will fester. Don't even bother thinking about what may or may not be 5-6 years from now; you're not Miss Cleo and you'll only drive yourself crazy trying to predict the future. Keep focused on your relationship in the present--enjoy it for what it is now, and nurture it now to enjoy it later. It really is that simple.

You also need to communicate. A lot. No matter how much work I had on my plate, 11:00p.m-1:00a.m each night was reserved for my guy. The scheduled conversations not only gave me something to look forward to each day, but it also helped me keep focused on my studies because I knew that I needed to finish my daily tasks by a certain time. We obviously didn't restrict ourselves only to this time frame--things do come up every now and then--but we tried to stick with it as much as possible. Sometimes, we would plan to do the same activity, such as watch the same movie, or read the same book, so that we could keep our conversations fresh and interesting. This also helped to detract attention away from the fact that we couldn't be together.

Speaking of communication, be self-aware, flexible, and forgiving. Miscommunications are bound to happen when your only means of connecting is through e-mail, phone, skype, etc, and it is all the more easy to allow that miscommunication to turn into a lover's quarrel. Be aware of your words, and always keep in mind that the LDR is difficult on BOTH of you, not just you, so do what you can to also understand your partner's needs. Remember: we all want to be right, but the only way to have two winners is to compromise.

Visit often, and just enough. The first days of a visit are awesome. The last day sucks. The last day can suck a little bit less if you know when your next visit will be. Plan your visits so that you can see your partner regularly, but don't go broke or sacrifice your grades as a result. My partner was on the west coast while I attended school on the east coast, so tickets were several hundred dollars each visit. I tried to visit once a month, which worked out pretty well for us. There was one semester that I wasn't able to go home at all until the end of the term, though. That was a really, really, tough semester to get through.

Be committed. This is a no brainer, but you both need to be on the same page and committed to the relationship. Discuss, set, and mutually agree upon the rules and expectations for your relationship before you leave.

Lastly, be mentally prepared for the possibility that this may not work out. Every relationship has the potential to fail, but the added stress of LDRs inreases the likelihood. If you're going to go forward with an LDR, you need to understand and accept that your partner (or you) can walk away from the relationship at any time, for any reason. There is no way that you can prepare for this, and there is no way for you to know whether or not this will happen to you. But the sooner you accept the risk, the sooner you can get on with enjoying the relationship for what it currently is (this goes hand-in-hand with my first suggestion).

• tauren , phonology_rocks , Ennue and 10 others

I am a year older than my gf, and graduating a year sooner. She will be abroad in Asia next semester then when she graduates, she will be in the military so my going abroad for a 3 year PhD program won't really be that much of an issue, as there would not be much visiting happening any way.

We have also been going out for 2.5 years and visit each other about once a month if lucky, and usually do not see one another during the summer.

We have both talked about what will happen and neither of us expect to see the other for the first year, since it will be her sr year and my first year at the PhD program (read: no sleep, no friends). The next two years would depend on where she was stationed, and if we decided to get a courthouse wedding for the spousal benefits and location.

Thank you for that, dimanche

The only people I know who made it through a long distance relationship did exactly what dimanche suggested above -- regular, scheduled time set aside to communicate, and regular enough visits that when one ends, you know exactly when the next one will be. The people I know also said that visiting each other really early in the "separation" is very important so that both of you know what it's like to live where the other person is living. I've heard that it's easier to feel connected to them and their life if you can visualize their environment even though you are not physically there.

But everyone I know who made it through a LDR had a well-defined separation time (i.e. they knew they would be back together in a certain time, e.g. 1 year). It's hard in academia because as others said, the job dictates where you will move. It will make it much easier if you commit to living in the same place after your graduate program, no matter what. But this means that one of you probably will have to compromise or sacrifice part of their career in order to do so. Are you okay with taking a job in Denver that may not require PhD level skills? Is your boyfriend okay with moving with you to wherever you do get a job and giving up his lab job in Denver? Are you both of you okay with knowing that the other has given up something they wanted to be with you?

I've had friends who have made the long distance thing work, but when they finally were together again (in a more permanent set-up),

things were somehow 'different'... I suppose, as has been said, it depends largely on the couple.

I am so grateful and relieved that my partner and I were placed within 20 minutes of each other - and I only applied to

my school randomly at the very last minute, they were literally about to meet to start discussing applicants!

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11 Ways to Survive a Long Distance Relationship in Grad School & Beyond

by Margherita Gaulte, MA, MS | Oct 2, 2017 | Lifehacks, Tips & Advice , Student & Intern Resources

Many couples must separate physically for a variety of reasons, including career and academic advancement, military deployment, immigration restrictions, or familial obligations. Long distance relationships are becoming increasingly common [1] and graduate students and early careers professionals have even more reasons why they might need to live apart from their partners.

Being prepared by knowing the challenges ahead can help to ensure that your relationship and career are actually strengthened by the time apart.

While there are many obvious detriments to being apart from a committed partner, there are also some advantages. Those who separated physically for work reported having more autonomy and satisfaction at work as well as experiencing more creativity [2,3].

And while the difficulties are numerous, being in a long distance relationship can be as satisfying and stable as being in a physically close relationship [4]. In fact, one study found that individuals in long distance relationships actually report higher levels of communication and dedication, and lower levels of feeling trapped and feeling likely of breaking up when compared to close proximity couples [5].

Even with these advantages for the relationship, being physically distant from one another can put an added strain on the relationship. Sadness, crying, guilt, anger, restlessness, and yearning are all common reactions to being apart [6]. These can be exacerbated through activation of our exploratory systems, that is, exposure to a new job, new people, and a new routine which can prioritize proximity to the partner [7].

What’s worse is the lack of understanding that is common for others who, despite their good intentions, may not understand the struggles of being in a long distance relationship. Experiencing closeness, whether with an understanding friend or with your partner, can provide the security needed to reactivate our inner creative and adventurous selves.

Reuniting after living apart can be one of the most difficult aspects of long distance relationships . High expectations and time apart can make the transition less than ideal. It is important to remember that it is common for couples to have difficulty with this transition despite the hype and desire to be together again.

Proximity to the partner can be gained through other means prior to reunions. You can help close the gap psychologically through memories or symbolically through pictures, phone calls, video chats, or social networking. Here are some other ways to help deal with the challenges of a long distance relationship.

Surviving a Long Distance Relationship

1. get creative.

There is no single formula of how to stay in touch, but thanks to modern technology there are more ways than ever to stay connected. Use social media to view and share pictures, write handwritten letters back and forth, watch movies or cook together on video calls, and find other unique ways you can connect to one another.

2. Expect Some Awkwardness

Many couples are surprised to find that they need time to adjust when meeting face to face after time apart. Allow yourself some time to adjust to being together each time you meet and discuss ways that you can acclimate with your partner.

3. Lower Expectations

While this might sound pessimistic, it can be a practical way to avoid feeling disappointed or let down when reuniting. Many people overly romanticize their relationships when they’re away only to find themselves in the mundane routines with their partner. Expect that while you will be overjoyed to see him or her again, you will also have times where running errands or doing chores won’t feel particularly special.

4. Grow Apart

Growing apart is inevitable and fighting it will not only stifle the both of you but lead to tension and conflict. Accept that you and your partner will grow in your own ways and encourage this. By fostering growth, you will deepen your relationship and allow you and your partner to reach your full potential.

5. Share Your Work

Does your partner really understand what you do? Instead of saying you have a paper due or are working a new project, send the instructions or outlines of what you’ll be doing. Projects you’re working on are just an abstract idea you talk about until you share the details.

Some ways you can make your work more concrete are to send class syllabi, requirements for your internship, or your job description. This will only make your successes and challenges with your work easier for your partner to understand, and help them support you more effectively.

6. Connect With Others

Develop and maintain your own community that can offer you support and help you gain your own independence. It can also be helpful to talk to others with experience in long distance relationships as a way to share your struggles and successes. Utilize forums and online groups dedicated to those facing the challenges of being far away from loved ones.

7. Learn Something New

Use the time apart as an opportunity to try a new sport or take up a hobby you’ve always wanted to try out. Even if you don’t end up with a lifelong hobby, you can keep your brain sharp and learn more about yourself.

8. Practice Self-Care

Taking better care of yourself can help with the turbulent emotions and lack of companionship. Use the time apart to develop your own independent system of dealing with feelings of loneliness and anxiety.

5 Steps to Building Your Personal Self-Care Plan

9. Foster Your Independence

Being away from what is familiar makes you learn how to navigate the world on your own without relying on the comfort of your loved one. Embrace your newfound freedom that will undoubtedly prove beneficial even after you reunite with your partner.

10. Plan Ahead

Always know the next time you’ll be seeing each other. Even if it’s three months away, it’s so helpful to be able to countdown the days until you know you’ll see your partner again. It allows you to make plans, feel excited, and know that being apart isn’t forever.

11. Have Difficult Conversations in Person

You can’t always make this happen, and it’s hard to be willing to do this for fear that you’ll mess up that precious time together. However, having difficult conversations in person can actually foster closeness and intimacy. Many partners are able to support and feel more supported by their partner in person, and big issues or decisions are more easily explored when you can be physically supported by your partner.

The challenges of living apart are as numerous and unique for each couple as the solutions. Graduate school is a stressful time that can be taxing on a relationship no matter how strong or close the two of you are. By having open communication, addressing issues as they come up, and finding your own support system you can keep your relationship strong no matter how many miles are between the two of you.

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Tips For Making Your Long-Distance Relationship Successful

Ioanna Stavraki

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Long-distance relationships (LDRs) can be equally as fulfilling as close proximity relationships. Dr Ana Yudin indicates that LDRs can be just as successful and sometimes even stronger than geographically stronger relationships. 

“It is not the geographical closeness that matters for determining whether a couple is going to last or how satisfied they are with each other but rather these subjective experiences and attitudes of the partners involved.”

However, this type of relationship demands a unique set of skills to navigate the challenges posed by geographical separation.

It is important to keep the relationship alive so as not to allow the distance to kill the relationship.

In this article, we will delve into specific strategies designed to address the complexities of LDRs, offering actionable tips for effective communication, sustaining intimacy, building unwavering trust, making reunions memorable, setting shared goals, and transforming challenges into opportunities for growth.

We will discuss why each area is important, the potential issues it can cause for LDR, and use example case studies to illustrate how someone can implement advice.

Overcome communication barriers

Physical separation can create barriers to real-time interaction, potentially leading to misunderstandings and emotional disconnect. Therefore, effective communication is essential in LDRs, as these intentional efforts are vital to bridge the gap left by the lack of face-to-face interaction.

Long-distance relationships heavily rely on digital communication, and while technology has provided us with incredible tools to stay connected, it also introduces its challenges.

Overcoming communication barriers is essential to maintaining a healthy, vibrant, thriving relationship.

Common problems that can arise with long-distance communication are:

• Only having text-based communication 
• Lack of clear expectations around frequency and style of communication
• Time zone challenges and poor coordination 
• Focusing solely on the frequency of communication and not the quality 
• Relying heavily on only technology-centred methods

Here are some actionable tips to improve your long-distance communication barriers:

• Schedule regular video dates to maintain visual connection
• Share daily moments through messages or calls
• Address conflicts constructively by actively listening and expressing feelings
• Use mixed methods of communication e.g., letters and texts
• Establish expectations and needs from the beginning

“The only reason it worked was because I was regularly able to travel to visit, daily phone calls (not texting), regular video calls, and we knew it was only going to be two years tops. It is absolutely doable, but you have to be ready to put in a lot of extra effort to make it work.” ‘Adam’

Keep intimacy alive

Maintaining intimacy in a long-distance relationship is often considered one of the most challenging aspects. Intimacy fosters deep emotional bonds, strengthens trust, and counteracts the impact of distance by providing a sense of closeness (Arditti & Kauffman, 2004).

Therefore, it plays a crucial role in sustaining passion, promoting understanding, and offering emotional support during challenging times.

The physical separation can create a sense of emotional distance, but with intentional efforts and creative strategies, couples can nurture and even enhance their emotional connection

Common problems that can arise with long-distance intimacy are:

• Monotony in daily communication can lead to boredom
• Lack of non-verbal cues leading to misunderstandings
• Difficulty in maintaining a passionate connection without physical proximity
• Elevated trust concerns due to lack of physical presence
• Insecurities arising from limited knowledge about the partner’s daily life
• Interference from external factors, such as work stress or family opinions

Here are some actionable tips to improve your long-distance intimacy barriers:

• Send flirty texts and photos
• Schedule regular video dates for movie nights or dinner together
• Display virtual affection
• Play online games to add an element of fun and competition
• Create digital playlists or shared online photo albums
• Establish shared routines, such as a morning or bedtime call
• Send photos or videos of your surroundings and daily activities

You can also explore each other’s love languages so you can show affection for your partner in a way they best receive and understand. Consider for instance whether they prefer you to show love through words of affirmation and how you can incorporate this into your interactions.

Build unwavering trust

In long-distance relationships, trust becomes the bedrock upon which the connection thrives. It is especially important when starting a new long-distance relationship .

The physical separation inherent in such relationships can amplify insecurities , making trust the foundation that anchors the connection. Trust acts as a stabilizing force, reducing uncertainties and fostering emotional security (Sawai, Sawai, Masdin & Aziz, 2023). 

Therefore, unwavering trust is essential for navigating challenges, preventing unnecessary conflicts, and building a resilient foundation that can withstand the unique pressures of long-distance relationships.

It is important to note that in efforts to develop trust in a relationship, you might end up doing the opposite when being too distrustful.

For example, check-ins are important but should stay within reasonable limits. If your partner has told you they will be busy on a particular day, do not spam their phone with calls and texts wanting to know every detail and then get upset they they do not reply. 

Balance is key so you should aim for a healthy amount of sharing, in whatever way reflects you both and your needs best. 

Common problems that can arise with long-distance trust building are:

• Overly demanding to know their every move and interaction
• Difficulty in conveying emotions effectively through digital means
• Doubts arising from a lack of physical presence and firsthand observations
• Lack of agreement on mutually established boundaries
• Doubts about the partner’s consistency in communication
• Insecurities arising from uncertainties about the partner’s feelings
• Anxiety about potential betrayal due to physical separation
• Verbal reassurances without corresponding actions

Here are some actionable tips to improve your long-distance trust-building barriers:

• Check-in emotionally frequently 
• Encourage independent pursuits
• Address issues promptly and directly
• Share details about your social interactions to maintain transparency
• Discuss any changes in plans or unexpected events promptly
• Express fears, insecurities, and personal challenges
• Be mindful of each other’s comfort levels regarding social interactions
• Revisit and adjust boundaries as the relationship evolves
• Address and rectify any inconsistencies promptly
• Respect their space and do not spam them when they say they are busy

“My boyfriend and I have a rule where if something is going on, we won’t text about it, instead, we call right away or wait to call and text about something else. If something doesn’t feel right, say something!” ‘Cassie’

Make reunions memorable

Reunions in long-distance relationships are the much-anticipated chapters where the physical separation transforms into a shared reality. These moments serve as the highlights in the narrative of separation and togetherness. They also act as opportunities to solidify the emotional connection and create lasting memories. 

Therefore, making reunions memorable is essential for creating shared experiences that sustain the emotional connection and contribute to the overall resilience of the long-distance relationship.

Common problems that can arise with long-distance reunions:

• Misalignment of expectations between partners
• Disappointment due to expecting too much from the reunion
• Feeling rushed during reunions due to time constraints
• Falling into a routine and repeating activities from previous reunions
• Not considering each other’s preferences in planning activities
• Forgetting to commemorate significant dates or achievements
• Neglecting to discuss and plan for future reunions before parting ways
• Feeling pressured or stressed, can impact ability to focus on the reunion

Here are some actionable tips to improve your long-distance reunion barriers:

• Plan special activities together that reflect shared interests
• Designate quality time
• Explore new places or revisit significant locations
• Incorporate surprises to add an element of excitement
• Take photos and videos
• Exchange personalized gifts that hold sentimental value
• Create a reunion playlist with songs that are special to your relationship
• Plan dedicated one-on-one time for deeper connections
• Create traditions that mark the passage of time together
• Discuss and plan for the next reunion before parting ways

Set a shared end goal

Long-distance relationships are often sustained by the prospect of a shared future, a time when the physical separation transforms into shared proximity. Setting a shared end goal is a crucial aspect of maintaining a sense of purpose and direction in the relationship in addition to maintaining satisfaction (Impett et al., 2010).

In the absence of physical proximity, having a common objective helps both partners feel united and committed to a common purpose.

Therefore, setting a shared end goal provides a roadmap for the relationship, fostering unity, commitment, and a mutual investment in a shared future despite the physical distance.

Common problems that can arise with long-distance shared goal-setting are:

• Lack of clarity on what each partner envisions as the shared end goal
• Ambiguity regarding whether the end goal involves relocation, marriage, or other milestones
• Differences in perspectives regarding the appropriate timeline for major life changes
• Lack of preparation for challenges that may arise during the journey
• Rigid adherence to initial plans without room for adjustments
• Failure to communicate about the emotional impact of challenges on the relationship
• Overlooking the importance of smaller achievements in maintaining motivation

Here are some actionable tips to improve your long-distance shared goal-setting barriers:

• Discuss the ideal future living situation 
• Share timelines and milestones for achieving shared goals
• Discuss personal and professional aspirations openly
• Regularly revisit and adjust the timeline as needed
• Make gradual steps towards cohabitation
• Discuss potential obstacles that may arise
• Acknowledge and appreciate each other’s contributions
• Regularly check in on progress and adjust responsibilities as needed
• Plan special moments or rewards for achievements along the way

Transform challenges into growth

Transforming challenges into growth is crucial in long-distance relationships as it cultivates resilience, strengthens the relationship, and contributes to individual and collective well-being.

Facing challenges with a growth mindset allows couples to view difficulties as opportunities for learning and improvement rather than insurmountable obstacles.

Therefore, this process is vital for long-distance relationships to thrive, fostering both personal and relational flourishing despite the physical separation.

Common problems that can arise when trying to turn challenges into growth in long-distance  relationships are:

• Difficulty in initiating conversations about potential difficulties
• Tackling challenges individually without involving the partner
• Repeating the same patterns without learning from past challenges
• Resisting or fearing change and adaptation to evolving circumstances
• Ignoring the need for emotional support during difficult times
• Communication gaps can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations

Here are some actionable tips to improve your long-distance transformation of challenges into growth:

• Turn jealous moments into trust-building lessons 
• Use visits to renew commitment 
• Brainstorm solutions together
• Establish a safe space for vulnerability and honesty
• Use logistics planning as bonding time
• Consider couples counseling or individual therapy
• Seek opportunities for skill development and learning
• Reflect on the progress made, both individually and as a couple
• See challenges as temporary roadblocks on the journey to a stronger relationship

Rituals for Long-Distance Relationships

When couples are physically separated due to travel, work, or other circumstances, rituals take on even more importance to maintain connection. Esther Perel provides examples of meaningful long distance rituals include:

• Leaving something with your partner when you depart (a small gift, item of clothing, note, etc.) so they feel your presence even when you’re not there. This creates a symbolic reminder that you will come back to them.
• Maintaining a private, intimate email that is just for the two of you rather than practical logistics. This separate channel allows more vulnerability, expression of affection, sharing memories or desires, that nourishes the romantic bond. 
• Setting aside intentional video call times for a “show and tell” of old photos. Taking a trip down memory lane together strengthens the sense of a shared story spanning time and distance. Laughing, reminiscing and envisioning the future provides continuity.
• Other rituals that induce a feeling of closeness work too – watching the same movie while video calling, playing online games, reading the same book and then discussing it. 

The central idea is to adapt rituals to the constraints of physical separation by focusing on emotional and psychological bonds. Consider trying out new LDR activities to deepen your connection further, too.

Keeping your intimate life vibrant through these intentional practices ensures the foundation remains solid despite external challenges. Absence makes the heart grow fonder when separation rituals keep fondness alive.

Final thoughts

To conclude, in the realm of relationships, distance can be both a challenge and an opportunity. Long-distance relationships (LDRs) demand a unique set of skills, and in this exploration, we’ve delved into strategies tailored for effective communication, sustained intimacy, unwavering trust, memorable reunions, shared goals, and transforming challenges into growth.

Relationship expert Matthew Hussey highlights the importance of having a team mindset and an “us against and world” mentality. Therefore, in the world of long-distance love, these strategies offer threads of connection, resilience, and growth.

By embracing these insights, couples can cultivate a relationship that not only withstands the trials of distance but also thrives, turning each challenge into an opportunity to strengthen their bond.

Arditti, J. A., & Kauffman, M. (2004). Staying close when apart: Intimacy and meaning in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy , 3 (1), 27-51.

Impett, E. A., Gordon, A. M., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., Gable, S. L., & Keltner, D. (2010). Moving toward more perfect unions: daily and long-term consequences of approach and avoidance goals in romantic relationships. Journal of personality and social psychology , 99 (6), 948.

Matthew Hussey. (2015, August 1). 3 Secrets to Make Your Long Distance Relationship Last [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEWoLoN4wuw

Psychology With Dr. Ana. (2023, May 15). How to make long-distance relationships work [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=160WmACbawg

Sawai, J. P., Sawai, R. P., Masdin, M., & Aziz, A. R. A. (2023). Sustaining long-distance relationship through love, trust, and dedication among married couples. MANU Jurnal Pusat Penataran Ilmu dan Bahasa , 34 (1), 63-80.

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Big life decision: move to a different country to pursue PhD, or stay with my significant other and do my PhD at my undergrad institution? [closed]

I have been agonizing over a decision regarding where I should pursue my PhD in theoretical chemistry. My choices are as follows: university A (US) has the best department in the world for my area of research, and my potential PI would be the perfect fit for my interests and career goals. University B (my undergraduate alma mater in the UK) also has a very good department (ranked 5th in the world), although the advisor fit would be less than ideal, since their group is mostly experimental, with only a few people working in theory. The group at university B is very large (~70 people), so the advisor is able to spend very little time with each PhD student. Both potential PIs are very renowned in their respective fields (h indexes above 60).

Here comes the kicker: I am in a very committed 4-year relationship with my significant other, who is going to start a PhD at university B. He is supportive of me pursuing a PhD with my dream advisor at university A, which would involve starting a 5-year (very) long distance relationship. However, I can't help but feel selfish for putting us both through this ordeal.

What would you do in this situation? Since both of us want to stay in academia long-term, I know that at some point in our relationship we will likely have to face similar choices again, so how does an academic couple balance the two-body problem for every new position they apply for?

• interpersonal-issues
• international
• two-body-problem

• 9 Another thing to consider here is how very different a US and a UK phd experience is. Are you ok with your partner finishing in 3ish years while you take 5+? Are you okay with them starting real research right away while you have more coursework to take? Or take them out of the picture, which style of phd do you prefer? –  GrotesqueSI Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 4:42
• 3 Also, depending on your discipline, it may be quite difficult for you to transition back to the UK or your partner to transition to the US post phd. Networks and job connections won't be in the right place. That's something to ask both potential supervisors about. –  GrotesqueSI Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 4:45
• 2 Why are you the one who has to chose? Can the partner not apply in the US? –  Clumsy cat Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 12:09
• 21 This is unanswerable here. Your question is essentially about how much you should value your career choices vs valuing a relationship with a partner you love. The fundamental issue here has nothing to do with the specifics of academia. You could answer a separate question about the differences between your PhD choices and then you can decide how those differences affect you and how you value them vs your relationship... But that's a deeply personal question. Good luck! –  user2705196 Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 12:12
• 3 You haven't said where in the US your dream school is. The further west you go makes it more difficult and expensive to maintain an LDR. A plane ticket between Boston/New York and UK will be cheaper than LAX and the flight will be much shorter. Also, in addition to thinking about the path of least regret, you may also think long and hard about where you might want to live after the degree. As you are pursuing a PhD, you also make ties to the region where you are. –  bfris Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 18:49

10 Answers 10

If you are academically outstanding you will shine pretty much wherever you go. The harder task is to find someone special who will make you shine as a person, and this you cannot do everywhere you go.

• 2 Agree with this. If you believe your relationship has deep potential, I would hold onto that (as someone who once went with the other option). PhDs are hard and being in the trenches together and supporting each other in a non-co-dependent way can be really affirming. And, to the point of ZeroTheHero, if you have talent you will shine. Ranked first versus fifth is generally a rounding error, and as another commenter noted, the talented PI at the other institution could make for a good external advisor. Also, there are advantages to being a theorist in a largely experimental department. –  Greenstick Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 20:26
• One thing I’d like to caveat re. my last comment. By deep potential I mean both for you and the relationship — be sure that your partner is willing go compromise to help you achieve your goals too, because given a certain reasonable framing, you’d be doing that by not moving. –  Greenstick Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 20:29
• 1 Upvoted, but what about the less than ideal fit with advisor that they have at Uni B? Isn't that something significant to consider? –  justauser Commented Apr 12, 2022 at 1:45

Please consider that the difference between the 5th and the 1st best department in the world is negligible, most likely it exists only in your mind. To be more specific, for what it matters to a PhD student, as long as fundings are granted, they are equivalent with respect to:

• opportunity of building your own network;
• quality of the work you are exposed to and potentially that you can perform.

The difference between the 1st and the 5th would be very relevant at a later stage, when you want to have money to build up that additional research group your tenure depends on ...

Ask yourself: do you want to spend 5 years away from what you have now because of present curiosity/eagerness of discover new things (reg. private life, not in the sense of academic research) or because of some future potential advantages? If it is because of possible future advantages: they will be negligible, since you are already in a good institution, your future, post-PhD chances will strongly depend on what you do during your PhD, not on where you do your PhD.

If your partner is the only reason that you would consider studying in the UK, then I would only recommend it if you are ready to spend the rest of your life with this person, and they feel the same about you. If you aren't sure about that after 4 years, then the relationship isn't one to make big life decisions around.

Making sacrifices of this nature for your spouse/life partner is part of a long term partnership. Sometimes it's you sacrificing, sometimes it's them, and it pretty much works out in the long run provided the relationship is built on a sense of equity and common life goals.

This kind of sacrifice, however, is not for "let's see where this goes" relationships. If that's where you're at, go to your top choice.

• 9 The reverse is also very relevant: Many of us enter a PhD thinking this is what we want to do for the rest of our lives. 3 years later (or maybe after a first post-doc) many of my peers decided to leave academia. In other words: "If your PhD is the only reason that you would consider leaving the UK, then I would only recommend it if you are ready to spend the rest of your life with this research field, and [the funding sources] feel the same about you. If you aren't sure about that after 4 years, then the research field isn't one to make big life decisions around." –  Simon Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 14:30
• 1 @Simon the completed PhD is useful even if they don't stay in academia. They are a chemist, it's not like astronomy, they can be a chemist in industry too. –  Clumsy cat Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 14:49
• 1 To clarify: My main point here is that neither the relationship nor the PhD in this field is necessarily permanent. Therefore we cannot use this to argue that we should sacrifice one for the other. More importantly: For the PhD the choice is between two possibly similar options, whereas the relationship choice is between "something that may not last forever" and "long-distance relationship that is significant risk of breaking". –  Simon Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 15:08
• 1 @Simon I don't think we can assume they will complete the PhD if they don't move. It's never certainl, but odds of completing a PhD significantly improve if they work on what they describe as "the perfect fit for my interests". And relationships don't normally "complete" in that sense, rather we grow out of them. It's a common refrain to talk about a woman's potential future children, and I fear it's reductionist. Most women I know would stop speaking to me if I suggested they factor potential future children into their career plans. –  Clumsy cat Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 15:08
• 1 Also, while we are on the topic of women. Women are not a monolith, and each individual may see things differently. That being said, if this was a woman I would be even more in favor of advising she move to the US, precisely because of the fact that many women suffer career setbacks during childbearing years, accompanied by the gender bias in academia they deal with at every level. Why make such sacrifices now? Why should a male partner do exactly what he wants while a female partner should bend to accommodate at the first opportunity? Nope. –  psithurism Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 15:19

I, who have done my undergraduate, masters, and doctorate in three different countries, think making a choice based only on university and research group is a poor choice. We should think about our social life and the quality of our time spent. Don't think of it as another degree, but rather a 5-year period of your adult life that you should obviously spend with your S/O (supposing a serious relationship), especially on upcoming problems, i.e., anxiety and depression. In short, choice A seems adventurous, and choice B is close to common sense. The purpose of a Ph.D. should not be just research and publications, but a great research experience and quality time spent. Otherwise, life becomes painful.

• 3 Totally agree. You need a strong support network to deal with the stress and emotional issues that a PhD can cause/surface. –  bob Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 15:29

I always thought of it like this: we all publish to the same journals, so ultimately location is immaterial. However, a good mentor is invaluable. Leaving your home university and country for that matter can be just as expansive an experience for your mind as the phd itself. Take the best opportunity while you have the advantage of youth...often it will seem scary but likely this is also potential for most fruitful experience.

• 4 The advantage of youth is that you can make as many mistakes as you want, because you have time to recover, it is not about picking the choice with the assumed best outcome in 5 years from now. –  EarlGrey Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 15:19

I registered so that I could disagree with most answers here, because I really think there's a perspective that's lacking. Let me preface this by saying that I am 4th-year postdoc who moved away from her home country (Germany) and committed partner in 2013 to pursue a Master's degree (followed by a PhD) in the UK. I am still together with that same person and we've been happily married since 2017, even though we have not lived in the same country since 2013 (apart from 10 months during the Covid pandemic). My current postdoc is in the US and I was previously a visiting PhD student in Canada, so I am well-versed in transatlantic long-distance relationships.

Do I sometimes miss my partner and wish we got to spend more time together? Yes, sure. Do I regret any of my time abroad? Absolutely not. In fact, I love being able to switch between my life in a new country (the US is the 5th country I have lived in since first moving abroad) and returning to our apartment in Germany, where my partner still lives in the city where we both started studying. I love showing off my new home to him when he visits, and I love returning to the old one.

Now, I am aware that this is not for everyone, but I really want to put out this perspective. It is by no means impossible -- and not even all that improbable. My social circle is full of people who were apart during their PhD or a postdoc and are still happily together.

About the academic choice: People above have correctly written that whether your department is 1st or 5th in the world is completely immaterial, what counts is your advisor and the working environment . (Let me say this as someone who had a very famous on-paper advisor who was not a good fit subject-wise and who she never ended up working with.) What you have written in your OP sounds like the advisor at A is the much better fit, so that is what anyone making the academic argument should focus on in my view. Yes, it is important that you also have a good social live during your PhD, but you can have that if you move abroad. Making friends during a PhD is very easy. Do not do a PhD with someone whose research topic does not fit your interests and who won't supervise you properly (which is what option B sounds like from what you've written). That way misery lies.

Quite apart from the long-distance issue, I think that moving university for your PhD is generally a good thing to get a broader perspective of your field. Sure, you don't have to, but I have found experiencing different academic environments very enriching.

Edit: Let me add that if you give up what you describe as your "dream advisor" for your current partner, there's a danger that whenever something doesn't go well during your PhD at choice B (and things will go badly at times), you end up resenting your partner for it. That's toxic to any relationship and can just as easily doom it as being long-distance might.

• 2 I'm glad you brought up the aspect that your advisor and working environment does matter quite a lot for whether your PhD will be happy and successful. I wish I could upvote that sentiment more. –  Andrew Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 21:56

Other answers focused on the academic aspects; I'd add, I don't know anyone who managed to pull off a long-term long-distance relationship, and I know a fair few people who failed at it (often in similar circumstances). Richard Feynman is one counter-example, it seems.

So, in your decision process, I think it would be prudent and fair to both yourself and your S/O to accept, at the very least, that there is a very real and significant chance your relationship wouldn't make it if you are pursuing your career far away. Depending on the personalities of the people involved, asking someone to be in a long-distance relationship is also a big ask, which can either, well, topple the relationship, or create a long-term emotional debt, which, again, you'd need to feel comfortable handling.

Good luck with your decision!

• 2 Richard Feynman did fail in quite a spectacular way. His partner succeded, at her own expense, though. –  EarlGrey Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 11:58
• 1 Sorry the multiple comments, here a starting point to dismantle the aura thebaffler.com/outbursts/… (but hey, great physics and great lectures from him, I absolutely agree) –  EarlGrey Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 13:20
• I've known quite a few relationships that successfully weathered being long-distance. I have a friend from grad school who was long-distance with his girlfriend for at least 6 years while he was doing a PhD and she was in med school. My wife and I were long-distance (across an ocean and several timezones) for two years of a postdoc. However, I mostly hated it and couldn't wait until we could live together again (although our visits were fun since travel was easy). –  WaterMolecule Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 14:15

From experience, USA Ph.D. doesn't help you to publish as many papers as you possibly publish in the UK. However, you would have no problem with funding and go to conferences. You would work alone and get a self-esteem boost. When I decided to move to the USA, I had a gf for 7 months. We broke up a week after I moved and she said exactly these words "I cannot do this. I went to a grocery store alone today and had a hard time deciding what to pick. I want my bf around me, I want to do things together even the small ones." so we broke up. Did I try to work out? Yes! Am I still single? Yes! Did I have fun and got good education? also yes! Am I regretting even the 5th decimal place? Hell no! Moving to the USA was the best decision I made. It is hard, it is tiring and it has ups and downs. However, people can make sacrifices and tried to work out. It wasn't for us. I hope the best for you. PS I wasn't moving from the UK so that might make a difference as well.

Stay in the UK if you value your relationship at all

While career-wise, the US is better (not from the #1 vs #5 discrepancy, but because finishing a US PHD will make it way easier to get a US work visa upon finishing and the opportunity pool will be much bigger upon completion), a 5-year, long distance relationship has miniscule chances of lasting the duration.

Consider how many marriages don't survive even a couple years of incarceration and a busy cross-Atlantic PHD schedule leaves less opportunity for personal contact and "conjugal visits" than a non-maximum security prison sentence. Or how many military marriages break up due to multi-month deployments. And those are actual legal contracts that are expensive and tedious to break, made by people who've often been together much longer than 4 years.

• While the author almost undoubtedly has considered these things they may not have put enough emphasis on them. I can't imagine considering a long distance relationship lasting more than 12 to 18 months (and even that would be v hard) –  WestCoastProjects Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 19:35

God, this is upsetting. Some of these answers are terribly naive about process. How many people answering actually are professors or run a lab?

If the relationship is meant to be, it will survive distance. If you want to stay in academia, that is much harder these days especially for theoretical chemistry. I am a professor, because I made a good Ph.D. match that led me to the right projects and the right postdoc and most importantly the right environment to get ideas .

You already know the answer here. Losing the relationship (if it is indeed great, which it sounds like you have support) is less likely than being miserable, uninspired and drowning in a sea of indifference in your PhD.

Furthermore, why do you have to chose? Why not the S/O? Go to America. Get set up for academic life. You can always move to switch to a PhD in the UK. Furthermore, if the relationship is meant to be, no amount of distance will conquer it. Best of luck.

PS. Two-body problems are solved during the later stages of a career/job searches by being so well wanted you basically get your S/O a job. You can't do that if you haven't set yourself up properly.

• 13 "If the relationship is meant to be, it will survive distance" talking about näive... –  EarlGrey Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 13:11
• 1 This also ignores the fact that for many people a PhD is one of the most stressful and emotionally/mentally taxing experiences of their life, and a strong support network is very important. Being separated from one's S/O by a very long distance and non-trivial time zone difference and in a foreign country is not a challenge to take lightly. Doesn't mean OP and the relationship may not thrive in that situation (people do PhDs on foreign soil all the time and long distance relationships can work), but it's important to consider factors beyond simply career. –  bob Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 15:33
• +1. While I don't agree with the entire answer, I think OP should realize the potential costs of turning down the opportunity to work at School A. There's always a chance that things could work out optimally at either school, but it's often the case that people in this situation are effectively choosing between their relationship and their career. It is good to be clear-eyed about this. –  cag51 ♦ Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 18:32
• 1 +1. I get why this would be an unpopular opinion, and I'm not sure it's necessary to call the other answers naive, but I think this is an important perspective. There is a professional cost to doing a PhD at School B since it sounds like it is not a good academic fit. I wouldn't go so far as to say "choose School A for sure," but I would definitely say there's could be a lot of professional costs for going to School B if OP wants a career in academia. –  Andrew Commented Apr 11, 2022 at 22:02

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Long Distance Relationship and a PhD. Do they work?

Have any of you had any experience with long distance relationships while doing your PhD. I have been in a relationship for 3 yrs while both of us have been away doing our degrees but I am now going onto a PhD while partner is doing one year course and then moving back home. I realise this is a very personal and subjective issue to consider but just wanted to hear from you.

Depends how strong you are to deal with it. I'm splitting up with my other half when I move for my PhD because I refuse to do the longdistance thing, but we're both accepting of the fact it wouldn't work for us. But I've seen other people manage quite happily. There is no easy answer. Is it possible to give it a go and see and decide once you've actually tried it ?

I moved to different country than my boyfriend 3 years ago. We are still together, but it is difficult.

Also expect to get some complaints from your supervisor - and learn to ingnore them. If you are doing long distance this will mean not working weekends, leaving early on Friday or taking the odd Monday or Friday off. Don't let these things put you off- if you don't try it certainly won't work. Most people have very intense weekends with their partner which can compensate for a lot. Have you two been living together previously??

No, we have never been living together before. We even cannot meet each others during weekends, because one is in Europe and the other in USA.....:(

I have not seen my girl in almost 2 years. During my PhD we hope to see each other every 3-4 months until it's finished. It's very difficult and frustrating but possible if the commitment and love is there.

My friend lived with his girlfriend while he was studying and they split up because of the stress of the PhD! It works both ways. It will be hard and I think you have to learn to be very honest with each other, but it's worth a shot right?

Do relationships and phds work whaterver the distance?

It depends on how good looking you are... if you are in the top 20 percentile i would think ull be fine.. see how it goes.. if not then hold on to your man with both hands and never let go! Hope that helps

My boyfriend lives 3284 miles away, and we're going strong. Well, guess that says something about my looks ...

hey Cool!!!!!!!!!!!! Its Really hard But u have to take up in ur life...... Me and My boyfriend... TIll now we didnt meet...... But we plan to meet each other after PhD...... So dont worry both of u keep ur mind strong and a days will move as soon assssssssssss

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How to Keep Your Long-Distance Relationship Healthy, Happy, and Hot

As anyone who’s ever been in one can attest, making a long-distance relationship work is challenging—yes, even if you’re super  into each other . But despite what a skeptical friend, family member, or coworker may try to tell you, LDRs  can  last (thrive, even!) when the people involved are excited about being together  and willing to put in the effort required. 

The core ingredients of a healthy long-distance relationship are the same as in-person relationships,  Rachel Hoffman, PhD, LCSW , a therapist and the chief clinical officer at mental health support platform  Real , tells SELF. “You still need the same foundational pillars: trust, communication, and commitment,” Dr. Hoffman says. “The challenge is, you need them tenfold in a long-distance relationship.”

When you first start dating someone who you can see and touch anytime you want, a natural rhythm of date nights,  sex frequency , and leisurely Saturday morning rituals often develops organically; from there, things either evolve into something more serious, or they don’t. “We typically do a lot of relationship building unintentionally,”  Moraya Seeger DeGeare, LMFT , in-house relationships expert for couples app  Paired , tells SELF. “But with long distance, every single action is very much a choice.” 

Maybe you’re hoping to take your relationship from LDR to  IRL romance within a year. Or perhaps you or your partner has to temporarily relocate for a new job and you’re determined to make it work. No matter your circumstances, these expert long-distance relationship tips will help you navigate this tricky new frontier with clear eyes and an open heart. 

Make a plan you both feel good about.

“Your levels of uncertainty and insecurity can rise when you don’t have your person next to you on a daily or weekly basis,” Dr. Hoffman says. Without the constant reassurance you get from regular in-person intimacy—hugs, hangouts,  sex , etc.—it’s harder to build trust and feel secure in your relationship. To feel more connected to your partner from afar, Dr. Hoffman recommends “making a plan and getting very clear on the schedule and the habits of your relationship.”  

Here’s a starter list of questions Hoffman and DeGeare recommend for getting on the same page at the outset:

• How often will we talk?
• Do you prefer phone or video calls?
• What do you imagine our sex life looking like?
• Are you open to phone sex or sexting?
• How often can we afford to see each other in person?
• Who will be visiting who? 
• If we’re in different time zones, will we talk when I’m headed to work and you’re going to bed? 
• Will we talk on the phone in the morning or send good morning texts instead?
• How quickly can I realistically expect you to respond to messages?

It might take some compromise to agree on these LDR plans, but once you’ve started to put them into practice, Dr. Hoffman recommends a regular state-of-the-union conversation (once a month, say) to talk about which habits need tweaking. Maybe trying to squeeze in prework Skype chats is more stressful than you anticipated, or the  phone sex is getting a little boring. This is an ongoing, collaborative process, Dr. Hoffman says. Discussing how you’re each feeling about your communication habits, sex life, and IRL plans can keep you feeling close, despite the physical distance.  

Discuss your endgame too. 

Does every successful long-distance relationship end with one half of the couple deciding to move for love? Not necessarily; both DeGeare and Dr. Hoffman have clients in LDRs who are happy to dwell in separate cities with no defined end point. While DeGeare believes that couples do need a certain amount of time and shared experience together to maintain the emotional connection and keep a relationship going strong, “that amount can vary depending on what season of life you’re in,” she says.

That said, expecting to wind up reunited for good is far more common, particularly if having kids someday is among your goals. If your relationship is just a few months old or you’re even starting off as long distance, it may feel too soon to ask the other person to commit to an in-person life together down the line. The point isn’t to pressure anyone into a set-in-stone plan, but to gauge whether you’re generally on the same page. You might ask your long-distance partner something like, “If this goes well, do you hope we’ll make a life together in the same place one day?” 

“It just can’t be a situation in which one person assumes you’ll end up living together while the other person thinks living separate lives is ideal,” Dr. Hoffman says. It’s also possible that one of you will change your mind down the road. In a healthy long-distance relationship, Dr. Hoffman adds, you’ll feel comfortable telling your partner if your desired endgame changes over time. That way you can revisit the plans you’d discussed previously and decide together if you’re both still game for this vision of the future.  

Voice your jealousy and insecurities. 

You and your significant other’s schedules have felt impossible lately—you can’t even remember your last great late-night talk. Meanwhile, they keep going on about Rory, their awesome research partner who gets to eat lunch with them in person and looks hot in the tagged social media photos you just found. AND Rory plays the drums?! You’re officially spiraling.

The problem is not Rory, Dr. Hoffman says, but a lack of trust and security in your relationship. The solution is to share those feelings as soon and as clearly as possible:  I feel jealous of Rory. “By looping your partner in, it doesn’t turn into, ‘I’m not going to text them for the next 48 hours because I want them to feel what I'm feeling,’ or, ‘I’m gonna find my own Rory,’” Dr. Hoffman says. “When things play out in these passive-aggressive ways, long distance becomes problematic quickly—because you don’t have the ability to say, ‘Let’s talk this over face-to-face.’” 

Sharing your feelings, instead of bottling them up and developing your own bad-faith narratives about what might be going on, can head off unnecessary arguments. “When people don’t find a way to communicate that they’re feeling insecure, they tend to blame their partner instead,” Dr. Hoffman says. “It becomes, ‘You're avoiding me,’ or ‘You're not answering my calls,’ instead of identifying what the real issue is.” 

It’s your partner’s job to help you figure out what will make you feel reassured (up to a reasonable point—more on that below). “One of the most important questions in any relationship is, ‘When I need you, are you able to respond in a way that says you understand me, that you care about me?’” DeGeare says. You might require deeper conversations or more sexual connection going forward in order to feel secure, for example. Words of affirmation from your partner, such as “you’re the only one that I want to be with,” can help, says DeGeare, who also suggests repeating mantras to yourself that reinforce those feelings of trust and security (“We’re in this relationship because we want to be”).

Make sure you’re not overcompromising.

Sacrificing your own needs can happen in any relationship, but Dr. Hoffman sees this play out much faster with long-distance couples because people are eager to agree to whatever it might take to make it work. “You'll start to say stuff like, ‘I said I needed to talk before bed—but it’s okay that they don’t call me back at night,’” she says. 

Again, the ability to compromise is a  relationship green flag , but there’s a difference between meeting the other person halfway and giving up on the things you value entirely. Ceding your needs little by little can bring on  anxiety symptoms like insomnia, tightness in your chest, and intrusive thoughts, Dr. Hoffman says. Left unaddressed, she adds, this anxiety can spur an insatiable need for reassurance that no affirmation or amount of phone calls will satisfy, which in turn leads to tension and arguments. 

If you find that the compromises you’ve made have slowly led you to feel physical symptoms of anxiety, or you simply feel more bad feelings than good ones when you’re talking with your significant other or thinking about your relationship, you may need to  consider breaking up . There’s no shame in saying, “I love you, but a long-distance relationship isn’t working for me,“ DeGeare says. 

Don’t stay just because you made that aforementioned plan.

When one of you has crossed agreed-upon boundaries—cheating, not talking to the other for days on end—that’s obviously a  flashing sign that things aren’t working. But DeGeare says she’s seen many LDRs meet a quieter death that both partners are reluctant to acknowledge. 

“It’s very easy to drag out a long-distance relationship, especially if you’re not fighting,” she says. Letting a stagnant relationship continue happens within in-person relationships too, of course. But in DeGeare’s experience, it’s much easier to do when you’re not in each other’s faces every day, and you may not have realized how easy it’s become to put the other person out of mind when you’re not on the phone together. 

It’s possible that you still enjoy the abstract idea that you’ve got someone waiting at the end of this long-distance period—but do you still actively want that, and with this person? “It’s tempting to avoid a heartbreak and just power through because you’ve got a vacation in Mexico planned,” says DeGeare, who recommends periodically evaluating whether you’re still all-in. Similar to Dr. Hoffman’s state-of-the-union recommendation above, DeGeare says it’s a good idea to regularly check in with yourself, too, about how your relationship makes you feel—like in a journal entry or during a long walk.

Try to enjoy the ride.

Figuring out how to be there for each other on a consistent basis when you’re in different cities, time zones, or even countries demands planning, vulnerability, and no small amount of faith. But that doesn’t mean it has to be a slog. 

Long-distance love comes with lots of opportunities to get to know each other better in-depth through late-night conversations that wind into the wee hours as your phone gets hot on your ear. You can cultivate a deep curiosity for the other person’s life as they send you pictures of the people and places they love there. And, as you  support each other while you pursue goals on separate paths that’ll one day (hopefully) converge, your love may grow even deeper. 

“You might create such a secure base that, 10 years down the road, you’ll say to each other, ‘We didn’t just make it through; we learned how to communicate in a way that might have taken a couple years in person,’” DeGeare says. “‘And we chose to do it. I love us for that.’” DeGeare knows firsthand that a long-distance relationship can “end” well: Like me, she was in an LDR that ultimately turned into a marriage and, today, a happy family. If you and your person are able to talk through the rough patches—when it’s been too long since the last visit, when you can’t seem to stop playing phone tag, when you haven’t quite hammered out where you’ll both end up—I’ll be the first to tell you that a successful long-distance relationship isn’t just possible; it’s worth it. 

• My Partner and I Sleep in Separate Twin Beds and It Saved Our Sex Life
• How to End a Relationship Without Being a Total Jerk  
• Having an Avoidant Attachment Style Isn't a Relationship Death Sentence

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Long-distance texting: Text messaging is linked with higher relationship satisfaction in long-distance relationships

Susan holtzman.

1 Department of Psychology, University of British Columbia, Kelowna, BC, Canada

Kostadin Kushlev

2 Department of Psychology, Georgetown University, Washington, DC, United States

Alisha Wozny

Rebecca godard, associated data.

Supplemental Material, sj-pdf-1-spr-10.1177_02654075211043296 for Long-distance texting: Text messaging is linked with higher relationship satisfaction in long-distance relationships by Susan Holtzman, Kostadin Kushlev, Alisha Wozny and Rebecca Godard in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships

Due to the widespread use of smartphones, romantic couples can connect with their partners from virtually anywhere, at any time. Remote communication may be particularly important to long-distance relationships (LDRs), compared to geographically close relationships (GCRs). The goals of the current research were to examine differences between LDRs and GCRs in (1) the patterns of remote communication (video calls, voice calls, and texting), and (2) how frequency and responsiveness of remote communication are related to relationship satisfaction. Data were drawn from an online survey of emerging adults ( n = 647) who were in a relationship or dating someone (36.5% were in an LDR). Participants in LDRs engaged in more frequent video calling, voice calling and texting, compared to those in GCRs. Long-distance relationship participants also perceived their partners to be more responsive during video and voice calls, compared to GCR participants. More frequent and responsive texting predicted significantly greater relationship satisfaction among participants in LDRs, but not GCRs. Meanwhile, frequency of voice calls was associated with greater relationship satisfaction in GCRs, but not in LDRs. The use of video calls was not significantly related to relationship satisfaction in either group. Overall, study findings add to a growing literature on remote communication in romantic couples and suggest a uniquely positive role of texting within LDRs. Further research is needed to examine the ways in which LDR and GCR couples can best capitalize on different forms of remote technology to maintain their relationships during periods of separation.

Long-distance relationships (LDRs) make up a significant and increasing proportion of romantic relationships in our society ( Statistics Canada, 2019 ). While there is no universally agreed upon definition of an LDR, they are often defined by a lack of in-person contact due to geographical distance ( Jiang & Hancock, 2013 ; Maguire & Kinney, 2010 ; Pistole & Roberts, 2011 ). As recently as the 1990’s, couples relied heavily on landlines to communicate during periods of separation ( Carter & Renshaw, 2016 ). However, due to the widespread adoption of smartphone devices ( O’Dea, 2020 ; Anderson, 2019 ), romantic couples can now connect from virtually anywhere, at any time. Although people in LDRs may use video-chat, voice calls, and text messaging more often out of necessity, these forms of remote communication have also become commonplace in geographically close relationships (GCRs; Boyle & O’Sullivan, 2016 ; Morey et al., 2013 ; Schade et al., 2013 ). Indeed, people in GCRs also experience periods of physical separation, albeit for shorter periods of time and without the same barriers of physical distance ( Merolla, 2012 ; Pistole et al., 2010 ).

Despite the widespread use of mobile technologies to maintain close relationships ( Brody & Peña, 2015 ), emerging research has yielded contradictory findings regarding the resulting costs and benefits for relationship outcomes. In response to these mixed findings, there have been calls for a greater consideration of the contexts in which mobile communication occurs ( McFarland & Ployhart, 2015 ), and in romantic relationships in particular ( Norton et al., 2018 ). Contrary to popular belief, people in LDRs tend to report similar levels of relationship satisfaction compared to people in GCRs ( Billedo et al., 2015 ; Dargie et al., 2015 ; Goldsmith & Byers, 2020 ; Roberts & Pistole, 2009 ). However, the factors that contribute to a satisfying romantic relationship may be somewhat different ( Lee & Pistole, 2012 ). Therefore, the overarching goal of the current study was to investigate LDR status as a key contextual factor that may influence the frequency and perceived responsiveness of remote communication, as well as the impact of frequent and responsive remote communication on relationship satisfaction.

The Use of Remote Communication in LDRs and GCRs

A number of theories have been put forth to increase our understanding of the role of computer-mediated communication (CMC) in the maintenance of interpersonal relationships. Merolla’s model of relationship maintenance ( 2010 ; 2012 ) holds particular relevance to the current study because of its focus on LDRs. According to this model, LDR couples cycle through periods of physical copresence and non-copresence and the ways in which couples maintain continuity over time have implications for relationship satisfaction. Merolla (2010) defined three key periods [prospective (leading up to separation), introspective (during separation), and retrospective (after separations)] and three categories of cognitive and behavioral strategies [dyadic (e.g., mediated partner communication), intrapersonal (e.g., having imagined interactions), and network (e.g., telling friends funny stories about one’s partner)] in this process. Within Merolla’s model, remote communication between romantic partners can be categorized as dyadic and introspective. These remote interactions may serve to maintain the relationship, regardless of whether partners have that explicit intent ( Dainton & Stafford, 1993 ; Lee & Pistole, 2012 ; Stafford, 2003 ).

From the perspective of Media Multiplexity Theory (MMT), close ties are expected to use a greater number of media to communicate ( Haythornwaite, 2005 ) and to use media more frequently ( Taylor & Bararova, 2018 ), compared to weak ties. In romantic relationships, Merolla (2010) has argued that LDR couples are especially motivated to engage in frequent mediated communication because of the lack of opportunities for in-person interaction. Consistent with this idea, people in LDRs (vs. GCRs) have been found to engage in more frequent dyadic relationship maintenance behaviors during periods of separation ( Goldsmith & Byers, 2020 ). In a daily diary study that directly compared communication in people who were in GCRs versus LDRs, those in LDRs engaged in longer and more frequent video calls, voice calls, and text messaging ( Jiang & Hancock, 2013 ). Other studies have found evidence that video calling is more common in LDRs than GCRs, but that phone calls and digital messaging are used with similar frequency across LDRs and GCRs ( Janning et al., 2018 ; Stafford & Merolla, 2007 ). Taylor and Bazarova (2018) documented more frequent media use in GCR couples compared to LDR couples, but this could be because they included face-to-face communication in their measure of media frequency.

In sum, few studies have directly compared people in LDRs and GCRs in terms of how often they use specific types of remote communication. Those that have are based on data collected in and before 2013, limiting the conclusions we can draw today given a rapidly evolving communication technology landscape ( Anderson, 2019 ; Heimlich, 2010 ; Lenhart, 2012 ). Thus, the first aim of the current study was to test for differences between people in GCRs and LDRs in terms of how often they use remote communication to interact with their romantic partners. Drawing from Merolla’s model ( 2010 ; 2012 ) and past empirical research, we hypothesized that participants in LDRs would report more frequent texting, voice calling, and video calling compared to those in GCRs, with the biggest difference expected for video calling.

Perceived responsiveness of remote communication in LDRs and GCRs

To fully understand the impact of remote communication on relationship outcomes one must consider partners’ perceptions of the quality of these interactions ( Ledbetter et al., 2016 ). Thus, the current study builds on MMT ( Haythornwaite, 2005 ) and Merolla’s (2010 ; 2012 ) model by addressing the perceived responsiveness of partners during remote interactions. Broadly speaking, perceived partner responsiveness refers to a way of responding that communicates understanding, validation and warmth—long considered a critical ingredient for intimacy and satisfaction in close relationships ( Laurenceau et al., 1998 ; Reis & Shaver, 1988 ). From this perspective, frequent remote communication would not be enough to foster a strong relationship if partners are not judged to be responsive during those interactions.

Romantic couples tend to expect a higher degree of responsiveness from their partners when communicating via mediated channels compared to other close relationships (e.g., close friends, family; Forgays et al., 2014 ). Since remote communication plays such an integral role in the maintenance of LDRs ( Aylor, 2003 ), expectations for partner responsiveness may be even higher in this context. Previous research supports the idea that people in LDRs may experience better communication quality ( Stafford & Merolla, 2007 ) and greater perceived responsiveness ( Jiang & Hancock, 2013 ) during remote communication. However, on a more practical level, LDR couples are also more likely to be leading asynchronous lives (e.g., different schedules, time zones), making it difficult to meet partners’ expectations for responsiveness.

These conflicting scenarios provided the rationale for our second study aim, which was to test for differences between people in GCRs and LDRs in terms of how responsive they perceive their partners to be via remote communication. Due to the conflicting research and theory on this topic, we put forth two competing hypotheses: (1) that higher expectations and commitment to remote communication in LDRs will create more positive perceptions of partner responsiveness and (2) that higher expectations may set LDR couples up for disappointment, leading to lower satisfaction with partner responsiveness.

Different associations between remote communication and relationship satisfaction in LDRs and GCRs

Ample research supports the notion that frequent and responsive communication can have a strongly beneficial impact on relationship satisfaction among romantic couples ( Rehman & Holtzworth-Munroe, 2007 ; Vangelisti & Huston, 1994 ). However, the vast majority of this research has been conducted prior to the rise of mobile and smartphone technologies and presumes physical presence during couples’ interactions. Recent extensions of MMT suggest a positive reciprocal relationship between the frequency of media use and relational closeness ( Taylor & Bazarova, 2018 ). For LDRs in particular, relationship maintainance behaviors that occur via remote communication during periods of separation have been shown to have significant associations with relationship satisfaction ( Merolla, 2012 ). Of the various forms of remote communication available to romantic couples, voice calls have been most consistently tied with positive relationship outcomes, including feelings of love, connection, and relationship certainty ( Dainton & Aylor, 2002 ; Goodman-Deane et al., 2016 ; Hertlein & Chan, 2020 ; Jin & Peña, 2010 ).

The potential costs and benefits of newer communication technologies for romantic relationships are less clear. There are some indications that video-chatting is related to greater relationship satisfaction ( Goodman-Deane et al., 2016 ; Hampton et al., 2017 ; Janning et al., 2018 ), but research remains in its infancy and positive effects are not always found ( Hertlein & Chan, 2020 ). Some studies have found that more frequent texting is linked to greater relationship satisfaction ( Luo & Tuney, 2015 ), ratings of partner accessibility and engagement ( Schade et al., 2013 ), and lower conflict in face-to-face interactions ( Novak et al., 2016 ). Texting a romantic partner to provide assurances, express affection, and communicate emotions has also been shown to have positive associations with overall relationship satisfaction ( Brody & Peña, 2015 ; Coyne et al., 2011 ; Slatcher et al., 2008 ). However, other studies have reported null or even negative effects of frequent texting ( Goodman-Deane et al., 2016 ; Jin & Peña, 2010 ; Luo, 2014 ).

One explanation for the mixed findings in past research may be that the association between remote communication and relationship satisfaction differs based on LDR status. Indeed, frequent texting as a strategy to cope with physical distance among romantic partners has been linked with positive relationship outcomes ( Sharabi et al., 2019 ). According to the theory of electronic propinquity ( Korzenny, 1978 ), mediated communication has the capacity to generate feelings of psychological closeness (i.e., electronic propinquity) even though communicators are geographically distant from one another. Among the major propositions of this theory is that when communicators have fewer channel choices, they will experience more propinquity. In support of this theory, a lab experiment showed that texting was significantly more satisfying when people did not have any other options with which to communicate ( Walther & Bazarova, 2008 ). In fact, when participants had only one channel available to them, there was no difference in ratings of propinquity and communication satisfaction between the text-based, voice, video, or face-to-face conditions. First and foremost, then, remote communication may have a more positive impact among LDR couples because they are typically using it out of necessity, not out of choice. Another reason for more beneficial effects among LDR couples is that they may use remote communication more intentionally to create a feeling of being together in physical space ( Kolozsvari, 2015 ; Oh et al., 2018 ). For example, through qualitative interviews, Greenberg and Neustaedter (2013) found that LDR couples would often run a video-conferencing platform in the background while engaging in other tasks to help create a “virtual co-presence” and enhanced feelings of intimacy.

Thus, the third and final aim was to examine the association of the frequency and responsiveness of remote communication with relationship satisfaction, and to determine whether this association may vary based GCR or LDR status. We hypothesized that greater frequency and responsiveness of all three forms of remote communication would be related to higher relationship satisfaction and that greater frequency and responsiveness would be more strongly linked to relationship satisfaction within the context of LDRs, compared to GCRs.

Procedure and participants

A large sample of emerging adults ( N = 1496) completed an online survey investigating mediated communication and well-being. Emerging adults were recruited via a psychology research subject pool at a mid-sized university in Kelowna, Canada and received course credit for participating. A focus on emerging adults is well-justified given that (1) the highest prevalence of LDRs is among university students and emerging adults, with estimates ranging from 30% to 50% ( Aylor, 2003 ; Roberts & Pistole, 2009 ; Waterman et al., 2017 ) and (2) emerging adults are among the highest users of mediated communication ( Forgays et al., 2014 ). Data for the current study were collected between March 2017 and April 2018, with a stopping rule of the end of the school year. To be eligible, participants were required to (a) be between the ages of 18–25, (b) own a cell phone, (c) have sent and/or received a text from that cell phone during the past 7 days, and (d) be fluent in English. To be included in the current study, participants were also required to be dating someone or in a relationship. Participants who were married/common law, separated/divorced or single (i.e., not dating someone or in a relationship) were excluded from the analyses presented here.

The final sample consisted of 647 emerging adults. Sensitivity analyses showed that our sample size gave us 80% power to detect small effect sizes (ρ = .11). The mean age of the sample was 19.75 (median = 19, SD = 1.55, range = 18–25). Approximately three-quarters (73.6%) of the sample reported being female and the remaining 26.4% reported being male. All participants were students living in Canada at the time of data collection and were predominantly (78.3%) Canadian-born. The majority reported a European/White ethnicity (71.9%), followed by East or Southeast Asian (12.7%), South Asian (8.7%), Aboriginal or Indigenous (4.6%), African (2.8%), Latin, Central, or South American (1.9%), Arab (1.4%), Caribbean (0.5%), and other ethnicities (5.3%). Approximately three-quarters (76.7%) of the 647 participants were in a relationship, and 23.3% were dating someone. Relationship duration was available for a subset (36%) of the sample. The mean relationship duration was 23.31 months ( SD = 17.46) and 16.72 months ( SD = 15.18) for those in a relationship and dating someone, respectively. The majority of the sample identified their sexual orientation as heterosexual (93.7%), and the remainder identified as gay/lesbian (0.9%), bisexual (4.0%), and other identities (e.g., pansexual, heteroflexible; 1.4%). Over one-third (36.5%) of the sample was in a long-distance relationship, which we defined as “unable to see each other, in-person, on a frequent basis due to geographical separation.” Participants who self-identified as being in an LDR reported seeing their partner (in-person): less than once/month (32.6%), once/month (33.1%), 2–3 times/month (19.9%), once/week (4.2%), and more than once/week (10.2%). In contrast, the vast majority of participants in GCRs (92.7%) reported seeing their partner (in-person) more than once/week. The remainder reported seeing their partners once/week (4.9%), 2–3 times/month (1.2%) and less than once/month (0.2%).

Participants completed a battery of questionnaires about their use of digitally mediated communication, social relationships, well-being, and demographics. Only those measures included in the current study are described below.

Participants were asked to indicate how often they communicate with their romantic partner using video calls (e.g., Skype, FaceTime), voice calls, and text messaging using a six-point Likert scale, ranging from never to very frequently. Participants also indicated how responsive their partner is when communicating through video calls, voice calls, and texting using a six-point Likert scale, ranging from not at all to extremely. The Relationship Assessment Scale (RAS) was used to measure overall relationship satisfaction ( Hendrick, 1988 ). It consists of seven items, each rated on a Likert scale from 1 to 5 (possible total score ranging from 7 to 35), with higher ratings reflecting higher relationship satisfaction. The RAS is considered appropriate for use in a variety of different types of romantic relationships and has demonstrated excellent reliability and validity in past research ( Vaughn & Matyastik Baier, 1999 ). Cronbach’s alpha for the RAS was .87 in the current study. Demographic information, including age, gender, sexual orientation, relationship status, ethnicity, and country of birth was also collected from participants. All study analyses were conducted using SPSS Version 24.

Preliminary analyses

For both long-distance and geographically close relationships, text messaging was the most frequently used form of remote communication, followed by voice calls and then video calls (for descriptive statistics and correlations, see Table 1 ). An initial examination of the distribution statistics for the study variables revealed five outliers on the relationship satisfaction variable and four outliers on the texting frequency variable (defined as z ≥ 3.29). To determine whether these had a significant impact on the main study findings, we ran the main analyses (bivariate analyses and multiple regression) after adjusting the outlying data points to the next highest value in the sample ( Tabachnick & Fidell, 2019 ). Likely owing to our large sample size ( Field, 2018 ), there was no meaningful difference in the results obtained using these adjusted values (see Tables S1 and S2 in the Supplemental Online Materials). Therefore, all analyses presented below were conducted using the raw, unadjusted data.

Descriptive statistics and correlations among study variables ( N = 647).

a Long-distance relationship (LDR) = 1, geographically close relationship (GCR) = 0. Correlations are Pearson’s correlations except for those involving LDR status, which are point-biserial correlations.

* p < .05, ** p < .01, *** p < .001.

Main analyses

Aim 1: to test for differences between ldrs and gcrs in frequency of remote communication.

To test Hypothesis 1, we examined point-biserial correlations between LDR status (LDR vs. GCR) and the frequency of video calling, voice calling, and texting (see Table 1 ). Consistent with our hypothesis, participants in LDRs used all three remote communication modes more frequently than participants in GCRs. This effect could be considered large for video calling, and small for voice calling and texting ( Funder & Ozer, 2019 ).

Aim 2: To test for differences between LDRs and GCRs in perceived responsiveness of remote communication

To test the hypothesis that people in LDRs perceive their partners to be more responsive in remote communication, we examined point-biserial correlations between LDR status and perceived responsiveness during video calling, voice calling, and texting (see Table 1 ). Consistent with our hypothesis, there were significant positive correlations between LDR status and both video calling and voice calling, indicating that participants in LDRs (vs. GCRs) view their partners as more responsive when using these two remote communication modes and these correspond to small effect sizes. However, contrary to expectations, there was no significant association between LDR status and texting responsiveness.

Aim 3: To examine the association between remote communication and relationship satisfaction and the moderating role of LDR status

First, we conducted a multiple linear regression analysis using relationship satisfaction as the outcome variable and LDR status (LDR = 1, GCR = 0), frequency of remote communication (texting, voice calling, and video calling; mean centered), and three interaction terms (LDR status x centered frequency variables; Aiken & West, 1991 ) as predictors (see Table 2 ). Model 1 contained a non-significant main effect of LDR status (partial r = −.03). Model 2 contained significant main effects for texting frequency (partial r = .10) and voice calling frequency (partial r = .09), but not video calling frequency.

Effects of frequency of remote communication and LDR status on relationship satisfaction.

Note. LDR = long-distance relationship; GCR = geographically close relationship.

* p <.05, ** p <.01, *** p <.001.

In Model 3, we added the interaction terms between LDR status and frequency of the three types of remote communication. In line with our hypotheses, all three interactions were significant (video calling: partial r = .08, voice calling: partial r = −.08, texting: partial r = .09), suggesting that the association between frequency of remote communication and relationship satisfaction varied significantly based on LDR status. However, the specific nature of the interactions was not all as anticipated. Simple slopes plots (see Figure 1 ) revealed that higher texting frequency was associated with greater relationship satisfaction in LDRs ( b = 1.46, SE = .47, p = .002, partial r = .20), but not GCRs ( b = .10, SE = .33, p = .75 , partial r = .02). In contrast, more frequent voice calling was associated with greater relationship satisfaction in GCRs ( b = .83, SE = .24, p = .001, partial r = .17), but not LDRs ( b = −.01, SE = .33, p = .99 , partial r = .00). Finally, video calling was not significantly related to relationship satisfaction in either LDRs ( b = .46, SE = .40, p = .11 , partial r = .11) or GCRs ( b = −.26, SE = .21, p = .22 , partial r = −.06), although the relationships were in opposite directions.

Simple slopes plots for interactions between LDR status and frequency and responsiveness of remote communication on relationship satisfaction.

A parallel set of analyses tested the role of partner responsiveness. A multiple linear regression analysis included relationship satisfaction as the outcome variable and LDR status, responsiveness during remote communication, and the three interaction terms as predictor variables (see Table 3 ). Model 1 contained a non-significant effect of LDR status (partial r = −.03). In Model 2, perceptions of greater responsiveness when communicating through video calls (partial r = .09) and voice calls (partial r = .18) were related to significantly higher relationship satisfaction. However, there was no significant main effect of texting responsiveness (partial r = .08).

Effects of responsiveness during remote communication and LDR status on relationship satisfaction.

* p <.05, *** p <.001.

After adding the interaction terms in Model 3, a significant interaction emerged between LDR status and texting responsiveness (partial r = .10). A simple slopes analysis (see Figure 1 ) revealed that greater responsiveness during texting was associated with higher relationship satisfaction in LDRs ( b = 1.03, SE = .40, p = .01 , partial r = .17), but not GCRs ( b = .11, SE = .27, p = .67 , partial r = .02). Thus, similar to texting frequency, texting responsiveness had a stronger association for LDRs. However, unlike the results for video and voice calling frequency (and contrary to our hypotheses), the interactions between LDR status and video calling responsiveness (partial r = −.03) and voice calling responsiveness (partial r = −.02) were non-significant.

A growing reliance on smartphone technologies for social interactions has triggered a flood of research into the social and mental health implications for individuals ( Liu et al., 2019 ). Meanwhile, the empirical literature on mobile communication in romantic relationships remains sparse ( Murray & Campbell, 2015 ; Norton et al., 2018 ). Although LDR couples have been finding ways to cultivate satisfying relationships long before the dawn of smartphones, results from the current study provide evidence for a uniquely beneficial role of frequent and responsive text messaging for people in LDRs (but not GCRs). These results run contrary to a substantial literature suggesting a null or even negative impact of frequent texting for relationships ( Goodman-Deane et al., 2016 ; Jin & Peña, 2010 ; Luo, 2014 ) and highlight the critical need for researchers to consider the situational contexts in which couples use remote communication ( Tong & Walther, 2011 ).

Remote communication in LDRs versus GCRs

Participants in LDRs reported more frequent texting, voice calls, and video chatting to communicate with their romantic partners, compared to participants in GCRs. These findings are consistent with our hypothesis that LDR couples will compensate for a lack of in-person interactions by using remote communication ( Merolla, 2012 ) and replicate prior work in this area ( Jiang & Hancock, 2013 ; Goldsmith & Byers, 2020 ). While Janning and colleagues ( 2018 ) also found a difference in video calling, not all studies have found a difference in the use of phone calls and digital messaging ( Janning et al., 2018 ; Stafford & Merolla, 2007 ). These discrepancies could be related to our larger sample size (which provided the statistical power to detect small effects), as well as the more widespread use of smartphones at the time of our data collection.

Video calling is currently the only (widely available) technology that allows couples to interact face-to-face during periods of separation. Thus, it is not surprising that there was a large effect size for the association between LDRs status and video calling frequency. The greater use of phone calls also likely reflects LDR couples’ attempts to compensate for their lack of in-person interactions. Although text messaging does not provide the same visual and auditory cues afforded by video and voice calls, people in LDRs may still use texting to help mimic the types of in-person interactions they would otherwise be having if they were living in close proximity. For example, sending short messages to say “good morning” and “good night” and sharing the mundane details of day-to-day experiences may serve to enhance the perception that one’s partner is present and included in their daily lives ( Masuda & Duck, 2002 ; Tong & Walther, 2011 ).

As anticipated, and in line with past research ( Jiang & Hancock, 2013 ; Stafford & Merolla, 2007 ), we also found significant differences between LDRs and GCRs in terms of perceived partner responsiveness during remote communication. Similar to the findings for communication frequency, the differences between LDRs and GCRs were greatest for video calling, followed by voice calls. Particularly among LDR couples, there may be an implicit or explicit agreement regarding the importance of being responsive when using remote communication. However, contrary to our expectations, ratings of text messaging responsiveness did not differ between participants in LDRs and GCRs. Due to the quick, convenient, asynchronous nature of texting, the number of messages that a couple could conceivably exchange in a day is virtually limitless. Therefore, perceptions of text message responsiveness may be driven more by partners’ similarity in texting preferences, rather than whether or not they are in an LDR ( Ohadi et al., 2018 ). Satisfaction with texting responsiveness may also be influenced by individual difference variables, such as gender ( Kimbrough et al., 2013 ; Schade et al., 2013 ; Wardecker et al., 2016 ) and attachment style ( Morey et al., 2013 ).

The link between remote communication and relationship satisfaction

In the current study, we found partial support for our hypotheses that the frequency and responsiveness of remote communication would be differentially related to relationship satisfaction, depending on whether participants were in an LDR or GCR. This was most evident for text messaging. Specifically, more frequent and responsive texting was associated with significantly greater relationship satisfaction among participants in LDRs, but not GCRs. Although the correlational nature of our data prevents causal inferences, the specific association between texting frequency (but not calling frequency) with relationship satisfaction in LDRs (but not GCRs) is difficult to explain solely by the effect of satisfaction on frequent texting. These findings were significant even after controlling for other forms of remote communication (i.e., video and voice calls), which adds further weight to the possibility of a uniquely positive role of text messaging within LDRs. People in LDRs (compared to GCRs) who use high levels of texting are more likely doing so in an attempt to compensate for a lack in-person interactions ( Merolla, 2010 ), and as our findings suggest, this is linked with higher relationship quality. Similarly, Sharabi and colleagues’ ( 2019 ) found that university students in “textual relationships” (i.e., texting as the primary means of communicating) who were using texting specifically as a strategy to cope with distance reported higher relationship quality.

Although we did not capture the content of text messages, we suspect that couples in LDRs may also be more likely to use texting in ways that will enhance intimacy and emotional connection, such as expressing positivity and appreciation ( Brody & Peña, 2015 ), sharing about a wide range of topics ( Boyle & O’Sullivan, 2016 ), and sharing about the mundane details of daily life ( Duck & Pittman, 1994 ). In contrast, since GCR couples tend to engage in more shared tasks and responsibilities ( Pistole et al., 2010 ), the brief and convenient nature of texting may lend itself to be used more for practical matters (e.g., requesting information, coordinating social plans, discussing joint responsibilities), which may not have the same relational benefit. Almost two-thirds of our LDR participants saw their partners (in-person) once a month (33.1%) or less than once a month (32.6%). Text messaging may afford unique benefits to couples who are separated for long periods, by allowing them to reminisce about a partner by re-reading texts ( Carter & Renshaw, 2016 ), providing a sense of virtual co-presence ( Greenberg & Neustaedter, 2013 ), and maintaining relationship continuity over time. For example, couples are able to exchange messages from the moment they separate (e.g., “miss you already”) to the moment they reunite again (e.g., “almost there, can’t wait to see you!”).

A significant association between perceived partner responsiveness during voice calls and relationship satisfaction emerged for both LDRs and GCRs in our sample, suggesting this could be a more general marker for strong romantic relationships. Contrary to our study hypotheses, a positive association between frequent voice calling and greater relationship satisfaction was found only for GCRs. Couples in GCRs who are willing and able to make the time to talk on the phone may be reaping the established benefits of voice communication ( Dainton & Aylor, 2002 ; Kraus, 2017 ; Schroeder et al., 2017 ; Seltzer et al., 2012 ). However, a reverse association may also be true. That is, GCR couples who are more satisfied in their relationship could be more likely to crave the emotional closeness afforded by a phone call. Recent work by Ruppel and colleagues ( 2018 ) highlights that dyads use communication technologies in complementary ways to meet different relationship needs. In the context of the current study, people in satisfying GCRs may be more likely to use phone calls as a complement to texting because they already have opportunities for face-to-face contact. On the other hand, frequent voice calls may fall short at helping LDRs compensate for a lack of in-person contact because of their lack of visual cues. Hampton and colleagues ( 2017 ) similarly failed to find an association between frequent phone calls and relationship satisfaction in LDRs. Further research in needed to explore the ways in which LDR and GCR couples use voice calls to complement other communication strategies ( Caughlin & Sharabi, 2013 ), the function that voice calls serve ( Ruppel et al., 2018 ), and general attitudes towards voice calling ( Forgays et al., 2014 ).

Of the three forms of remote communication, video calling had the weakest links with relationship satisfaction. Contrary to our hypothesis, perceptions of partner responsiveness during video calls were not significantly related to relationship satisfaction for either LDRs or GCRs. However, in partial support of our hypothesis, the association between frequent video calling and relationship satisfaction was significantly different for LDRs versus GCRs. The effects were in opposite directions, but neither reached statistical significance. For GCRs, video calls may be perceived as redundant or unnecessary. For LDRs, the small, positive effect size for video calling (partial r = .11, p = .11) is consistent with previous research describing the relational benefits of video calls for LDRs ( Hampton et al., 2017 ). However, technical difficulties, scheduling challenges, and less frequent use may limit its ability to impact relationship satisfaction over and above other forms of remote communication ( Greenberg & Neustaedter, 2013 ). The weak effects may also signal the presence of moderating effects, such as gender and personality factors.

Theoretical and clinical implications

Our study results have several important theoretical and clinical implications. In line with MMT ( Haythornthwaite, 2005 ), more frequent use of remote communication was related to greater relationship satisfaction, but LDR status provided an important context in which to interpret these results. That is, text messaging and (to a lesser extent) video chatting were more strongly and positively linked with relationship satisfaction in LDRs, compared to GCRs. These results support electronic propinquity theory ( Korzenny, 1978 ), which proposes that CMC will result in more positive outcomes when partners lack alternative means of communicating (c.f., Kushlev & Leitao, 2020 ; Kushlev et al., 2019 ). A growing discourse in the field of CMC relates to the extent to which smartphones may be displacing versus complementing in-person interactions with close others ( Kushlev & Leitao, 2020 ; Lieberman & Schroeder, 2020 ). When higher levels of remote communication are used in the context of LDRs, we can be more confident that it is being used to supplement (not replace) in-person interactions. The weak findings for videochatting and relationship quality video calls contradicts the cues-filtered out theories ( Culnan & Markus, 1987 ), which argue that the effectiveness of social interactions should increase as the number of available verbal and non-verbal cues increase. As Tong and Walther (2011) have pointed out, “lightweight tools” such as text messaging may actually be more appealing and effective than phone calls or video calls because they enable users to engage in frequent relationship maintenance without investing a great deal of time or cognitive effort. Clearly, not all forms of mediated-communication are created equal ( Hampton et al., 2017 ). Our findings make a strong case for unpacking Merolla’s (2010) concept of introspective dyadic communication to consider the specific modes of remote communication that are used during periods of separation. Significant associations between perceived responsiveness during remote communication and relationship satisfaction also suggest that Merolla’s model could be extended to consider how dyadic maintenance behaviors are perceived and evaluated by the other person in the relationship.

Given correlational nature of our data and small effect sizes for the third aim, it is premature to conclude that an increase in remote communication such as texting could generate meaningful increases in relationship satisfaction. However, recent experimental research suggests that sending positive text messages to romantic partners can lead to small but significant increases in relationship satisfaction for the sender ( Luo & Tuney, 2015 ). As argued by Funder and Ozer (2019) , small effect sizes should not be discounted, especially when estimated from larger samples. Frequent smartphone interactions have become normative in the daily lives of emerging adults in LDRs and GCRs, and thus even small effects could have a cumulative effect over time. As we deepen our understanding of the types of maintenance behaviors that can contribute to perceptions of responsiveness and relationship quality during remote interactions, we will be able to increase the power of interventions ( Perlman, 2001 ).

Strengths, limitations, and future directions

The present sample was comprised of 647 emerging adults (36.5% of whom were in an LDR), which allowed for a powerful comparison between GCRs and LDRs. Indeed, we would have arrived at much different conclusions about the patterns and relationship correlates of remote communication had we not taken LDR status into account. Our findings also highlight the importance of examining the unique and independent effects of different communication channels, rather than lumping diverse media into a single index. Despite these strengths, the correlational nature of our data precludes causal inferences. Experimental research is necessary to establish causality, and longitudinal research will help ascertain the long-term effects on relationship satisfaction and longevity. Our sample was limited to emerging adults enrolled in an undergraduate-level psychology course, and the majority were female, heterosexual and European/White ethnicity. The generalizability of our findings to groups with different norms and expectations for remote communication requires further investigation. Additionally, we did not collect information regarding participants’, socioeconomic status or disability information, which should be examined in future research. Despite making the important distinction between GCRs and LDRs, we did not take into account other potentially important relationship characteristics, such as whether couples met online, communication preferences, jealousy, and relationship certainty. The current study also included relationship satisfaction as its only outcome. Although frequent and responsive remote communication had a generally positive association with relationship satisfaction, it is possible that couples who are highly engaged with their romantic partners over their phone may do so at the expense of in-person relationships ( McDaniel et al., 2018 ; Sbarra et al., 2019 ). Building on recent work that extends MMT, further research is needed to understand how couples transition between offline and online interactions and the extent to which couples integrate (vs. segregate) certain conversational topics across communication channels ( Caughlin & Sharabi, 2013 ; Wang et al., 2019 ).

From a measurement standpoint, we did not assess the content of couples’ remote interactions and assessments were limited to the perspective of one member of the dyad. We also relied on single-item self-report to measure frequency of remote communication. Previous research has demonstrated only small to moderate correlations between subjective and objective measures of smartphone use ( Ellis et al., 2019 ). While future research should incorporate objective measures, our findings do suggest that partners’ perceptions of how often they communicate remotely holds importance in romantic relationships, even if these perceptions systematically over- or underestimate actual remote communication. Our measure of perceived responsiveness was also a single-item for each communication channel, and we did not explicitly define responsiveness for participants. Emerging research provides examples of factors that might impact perceptions of responsiveness when communicating via text, such as response time ( Atchley & Warden, 2012 ) and similarity in the use of emojis ( Coyle & Carmichael, 2019 ), but research remains in its infancy. The impact of video and voice messages, GIFs, memes, and photos on perceptions of responsiveness during text message exchanges also warrants future consideration.

Conclusions

Consistent with past research, LDR and GCR participants reported almost identical levels of relationship satisfaction in the current study ( Billedo et al., 2015 ; Dargie et al., 2015 ; Goldsmith & Byers, 2020 ). In contrast, we identified striking differences between LDRs and GCRs in terms of the association between remote communication frequency and responsiveness, and relationship satisfaction. Broadly speaking, our findings highlight the need for further research into the ways in which LDR and GCR couples can best capitalize on remote technology to maintain their relationships during periods of separation. There are new communication technologies on the horizon, such as virtual reality and holograms, but these are not yet available for widespread use ( Maloney & Freeman, 2020 ). It remains to be seen how increasingly advanced and complex technologies will compete with a simple and well-timed text saying, “I’m thinking about you.”

Supplemental Material

Acknowledgements.

The authors wish to thank the study participants for their time, and Elouise Rivor for her assistance in the earlier stages of this project.

Funding: The author(s) disclosed receipt of the following financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article: This research was supported by an Insight Grant from the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada [435-2017-0781] to the first author.

Open research statement: As part of IARR’s encouragement of open research practices, the authors have provided the following information: This research was not pre-registered. The data used in the research are available. The data can be obtained by emailing: [email protected] . The materials used in the research are available. The materials can be obtained by emailing: [email protected] .

Supplemental material: Supplemental material for this article is available online.

Susan Holtzman https://orcid.org/0000-0002-1530-1653

Kostadin Kushlev https://orcid.org/0000-0003-1025-3258

Alisha Wozny https://orcid.org/0000-0002-9627-3868

Rebecca Godard https://orcid.org/0000-0003-0752-6737

• Relationships

The Benefits of Long-Distance Relationships

The strengths associated with long-distance relationships..

Updated June 25, 2024 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

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• People in long-distance relationships report higher levels of relationship quality and dedication.
• Long-distance relationships often result in greater independence and deeper communication.
• Those in long-distance relationships can benefit as a result of connections to two or more communities.

Consider a hypothetical couple, Joe and April, who have been together for two years, a year and a half of which has been long-distance. Six months into their relationship, Joe moved across the country when he was offered a work promotion. Most of April’s friends told her to break up with Joe, as they believed that it would be too challenging and too time-consuming to maintain a long-distance relationship. Not deterred by her friends, April decided to make it work and has been pleasantly surprised by how wonderful being in a long-distance relationship has been.

Despite a commonly held belief that long-distance relationships are too challenging, there are many benefits. Researchers Kelmer, Rhoades, Stanley, and Markman (2013) found that people in long-distance relationships report higher levels of relationship quality and dedication to their relationships than those in close proximity. Additionally, those in long-distance relationships felt less constrained.

Below are some benefits of long-distance relationships.

Greater Independence

April has always had a large circle of friends and a busy work schedule. She has found that she has been more present in her friendships and able to take on new, demanding tasks at work. This is because she can maintain her schedule as a result of her long-distance relationship.

Being in a long-distance relationship allows partners to retain a separate identity and an increased level of independence. People can get involved with the community, seek out volunteer opportunities, or spend more time with friends and family members, without worrying that they aren’t saving enough time for their partner at home.

Creative Communication

Not only have April and Joe become excellent communicators, as they are more intentional about keeping up with one another, but they have also gotten more creative about how they connect. They text throughout the day to discuss what’s on their minds, which leaves their evening chats to focus on deeper conversations about their feelings and thoughts. They also get creative when it comes to their sex lives, using some of their video chats to deepen their intimacy .

Benefits of Two Communities

April and Joe treasure the time they spend together and look forward to sharing the cool spots they found during their time apart from one another during their visits. They find the role of tour guide fun and exciting even though they are now familiar with and settling in at both locations.

For couples in long-distance relationships who spend time traveling to see one another, partners may benefit from being able to explore two different communities and forming roots in both. An added benefit is that the person hosting gets to share their home base and introduce their partner to their favorite eateries, shops, etc., which can be a fun bonding experience. Having a partner in a different location may expand both of your horizons in unique ways, affording you the opportunity to be in an area you otherwise may not have even visited.

To have a successful long-distance relationship, clear communication and advanced planning are very important. While navigating a long-distance relationship can present unique challenges, there are many benefits. These include personal growth as a result of autonomy over one’s schedule and needs, the deep emotional connection gained as a result of creative communication, and the ability to connect with two communities and enhance your social networks. As a result, long-distance relationships foster a loving bond that can enhance the lives of the individuals involved.

Facebook image: David Prado Perucha/Shutterstock

Kelmer, G., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S., & Markman, H. J. (2013). Relationship quality, commitment, and stability in long‐distance relationships. Family Process , 52 (2), 257-270.

Marisa T. Cohen, Ph.D. , is a psychology professor, relationship researcher, and author of From First Kiss to Forever: A Scientific Approach to Love .

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These Long Distance Relationship Tips Will Help Keep You Emotionally Connected

Even if you're separated by a pandemic.

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We’re not going to mince words. Long distance relationships are difficult. You miss your partner, you might often find yourself lonely, and you don’t have anyone to Netflix and... nap with. You may be wondering, “Can long distance relationships last?” The good news is that, with plenty of communication (and the occasional thoughtful gift ), it is possible for them to thrive. In fact, a 2015 study from Queens University suggested that distance can actually lead to a deeper connection and a more fulfilling relationship overall. Awesome, right?

And while we couldn't tell you for sure what percentage of long distance relationships actually last, because each one is so unique, Dr. Zhana Vrangalova , NYU professor of Human Sexuality says the most important thing of all is that you believe your relationship can stand the test of time. “Cultivate positive attitudes in yourself and your partner about your relationship's success and satisfaction can come."

So if you find yourself feeling anxious about what the future might bring, read on. Physical distance doesn’t mean you can’t experience a world of adventure, laughter and pleasure together—especially now at a time when Zoom dates and virtual happy hours are so much more commonplace. In fact, you might venture to emotional depths that you wouldn’t have otherwise. We summoned relationship experts for their best long distance relationship tips to help keep you emotionally connected despite the miles between you.

First, long distance relationships can work.

That is, as long as each partner is willing to put in the elbow grease. “Every relationship is different, so you need to clearly communicate your values and what is most important to you," says clinical sexologist Lucy Rowett .

“In recent research , those in long distance relationships reported higher levels of love for their partner, said they had more fun, better conversations, more dedication to their relationships, and lower levels of feeling trapped than couples in more local relationships," she says.

But, success requires communication and intimacy.

In order to stay emotionally connected you need to be...literally connected, which means speaking a few times a day, even if it's over a simple text.

“Be consistent and include the person in your everyday life. We already get the ‘highlights’ reel on social media so it's valuable to set aside time to chat about what's going on,” says Pam Shaffer , a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Sharing the good and the bad helps to build intimacy with your partner and gives them the insider view of your world even when you're far away.”

Marriage therapist Jenni Skyler, PhD, agrees that keeping up with communication is a vital component of healthy relationships. “Even though it seems like a lot, I like to encourage couples to FaceTime at least once a day." Use these sessions like you would any other scheduled date. “This can help foster security in your relationship, which will also come in handy when you're in the same geographic location,” says Shaffer.

Send each other (actual) mail.

Acts of love are a great way to bring a smile to your partner's face while increasing intimacy and bonding. Send your partner “care packages” as a way to remind them how much you love them.

“Since much of life revolves around our phones, it's nice to get a surprise in the mail,” says Dr. Kristie Overstreet , PhD., a board certified sex therapist and psychotherapist. “Whether it's a card, letter, or package, it shows that you took the time to think about them.”

And there's always...sexting.

Though it may not come natural to you—at all—explaining exactly what you want to do to your partner, whether it’s inspired by a romance novel or a real life past sexual experience, is a simplified way to ease into dirty talk without feeling awkward. Vrangalova suggests describing a steamy dream you had, too.

If you're up for something live action, when it comes to FaceTime, experiment with different camera angles. Before your "date," figure out how to place the phone so you feel confident.

Take it slow. Start with sharing a fantasy , and go from there. Remember, this isn’t a race. It takes time to ease into this.

Anne Hodder-Shipp , ACS, sex and relationships educator, suggests setting up a confidential WhatsApp account so you can send each other fantasies on a whim—without the risk of accidentally texting your parents or boss. Plus, she adds, “It can feel a little naughtier this way and up the turn-on ante.”

And, get creative with toys.

“You can try writing your own erotica of what you want to do to your partner and emailing it, texting it, or telling them on the phone. Or you could order a pretty sex toy online and have it delivered to them,” Rowett suggests.

Today, companies are making toys that are specifically designed for long distance partners. The We-Vibe Sync has an app that allows your partner to control the vibration of the toy from anywhere, letting them tease you from far away. OhMiBod has similar haptic sex toys for long distance play, with additional app features specially designed for sexting. The app is compatible with most OhMiBod vibrators , so you can pick and choose.

Other toy options include Lelo's Smart Wand, LOKI Wave prostate toy, and the INA Wave , a rabbit toy for both internal and external stimulation. These toys don’t have remote capability, but all come in larger sizes, perfect for video chatting.

If that's a little advanced, you could always inspire intimacy by sending a sultry snap. And yes, it can be of your face.

Keep things exciting by experimenting with theme date nights.

Tina Wilson, founder of Wingman dating app , suggests breaking up the monotony by occasionally introducing themes into your virtual dates and sexting rendezvous. For example, you could stage a romantic Parisian date night with a virtual tour of the Louvre , a shared playlist of French love songs , and a candlelit spread of cheese, warm baguettes, and wine. Or, seeing it as an opportunity to learn new things about the other’s history, you could take turns crafting a menu and selecting a movie or two inspired by your childhood favorites. Then, come together over a Netflix Party or the HBO browser extension that allows you to stream (and chat) simultaneously.

Regardless, whether elaborately executed or something as simple as a sexy dance party in your pajamas, you and your partner could have a blast celebrating your different interests.

Livestream something funny.

You don’t need to be in the flesh to bond over a good giggle. Recent studies have shown that laughing with your partner has a potent effect on relationship-building, so don’t let the distance stop you from experiencing its benefits.

Compile a list of your favorite feel-good comedy series or uproariously crude films, and slowly go through them together. Or, as Wilson suggests, explore iconic stand-up archives or catch a live-streamed show ( Stand Up NY is one of many great options).

Go stargazing "together."

Make a romantic date with the cosmos. Spread a blanket out across your patio or find a secluded spot. If you’re living in the same area of the globe, you can guide each other through trying to locate your favorite constellations or simply marvel at the crescent moon. But, if your daytime is your partner’s nighttime, you could take turns painting a visual of your current view of the world. Most importantly, remember that, despite the miles preventing you from being in each other’s arms, the same sky always hangs above you.

Make plans for the future.

In most cases long distance is a temporary situation that will be resolved eventually. And if that's the scenario, make a timeline so your significant other knows that things are moving forward and that the time spent apart, missing each other, will be completely worth it. If it's not temporary, put some travel plans on the calendar so the two of you have something to look forward to.

“Plan what you’re going to do the next time you’re together, as well as what you want to do in the more distant future,” says Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want . “This not only gives you something to look forward to and helps to build anticipation, but research has found that couples who make future plans are more committed to one another and have longer-lasting relationships.”

Have some friendly (or, ahem, sexy ) competition.

A little light-hearted competition never hindered anyone’s love life. Wilson suggests checking out apps like Jackbox that boast a fun collection of games, allowing users to compete against each other via Zoom. And if a romp with twisted humor is your idea of a solid date night, you and your partner could always play Cards Against Humanity online for free. Or, check out some of these fun online game options .

Feed your emotional intimacy by asking deeper questions.

While keeping the playfulness alive is beneficial to your relationship, so is going deeper. In the 1990s, psychologist Arther Aron teamed up with a few colleagues for a study of intimacy in relationships , and determined that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness and love. The result was a list of 36 questions designed to build exactly that. So, grab your digital devices and take a deep dive into each other’s psyche. You might be delighted by what you discover about someone you think you already know so well.

Hodder-Shipp says to keep in mind that deep exploration of your partner’s dreams, ideas and longings about the future could accomplish more than you might imagine, perhaps serving as the ultimate aphrodisiac—even from afar. “Emotional connection is an important part of a strong sex life,” she says.

Make an effort to stay in tune with your partner’s surroundings.

Stay informed about their local news and weather forecast. Be aware of any exciting events or festivals happening in their city or town. Tap into their neighborhood scene and memorize the activities and places they most enjoy frequenting. This will give your partner the feeling that you’re with them in spirit—dodging the rain, being blasted by the sun or navigating the traffic.

Surprise your long distance love by “showing up” unexpectedly.

Whether a gorgeous bouquet of flowers, a chocolate croissant from a neighborhood bakery, or their special triple-shot morning latte, you could find something within your budget and send it straight to your partner’s door. This will let them know how much their happiness is always on your mind.

Or, you could simply drop them a text message or an email that says, “I hope you’re enjoying your smoothie right now!” or “I’m right there with you, cheering you on through your entire presentation.” Regardless, find ways to either physically or digitally “pop in” and announce your love, support and thoughtfulness. Hodder-Shipp says it’s crucial to remember that long distance relationships experience the same struggles as same-city relationships, which is why it’s vital to “get creative with ways to meet each other’s needs from afar.”

Share in each other’s self-care rituals.

For one, you could help each other sweat… from the other side of your screens. With so many streaming workout options available, Wilson suggests you and your long distance love take the same class remotely. One week you might try meditative yoga or barre, and the next you could sign up for something that appeals to your partner. While it's not the same as going for a walk, or run together, you'll both still benefit from the serotonin boost.

Or, if you prefer to work out solo, you and your partner could introduce each other to various aspects of your self-care practices—whether listening to a motivational podcast or virtually engaging in a spiritual practice.

Don’t forget the fun of double-dating…even if via Zoom.

Studies have shown that spending time with other couples may amplify the attraction and passion within your relationship. So whether you and your plus one live in separate cities or are physically separated for other reasons, Wilson suggests asking another couple to join your next virtual happy hour . “Long distance relationships can sometimes feel isolating since you don’t necessarily share the same social network,” she says. “So inviting friends or other couples along on virtual double dates can help bring your long distance partner into more facets of your life.”

And remember that couples therapy works virtually, too.

Amy Cirbus, PhD, LMHC, LPC, Director of Clinical Content at Talkspace says that couples in long distance relationships most commonly initiate counseling “to break through communication barriers or find ways to maintain their feelings of connection and intimacy while apart.” So if you feel like you need the voice of an expert to guide you, it’s not at all a signal of impending long distance doom.

Cirbus adds that, for newer couples, commitment level is the most shouted concern, but for couples who have a long history together and are forced apart for new circumstances, there is often a natural urge to seek a third party to advise them on how to stay in each other’s daily lives and “maintain their bond without the proximity and rhythm that they're used to.”

In essence, it’s about leveraging technology to stay emotionally connected.

Cirbus emphasizes that whether you decide to cook dinner over Zoom, go on a virtual voyage across the globe, or take up couples counseling with your partner, achieving long distance relationship success is essentially about channelling the same effort and energy that you would otherwise give to them in person, and executing it virtually. “Simply transfer what you would normally do together into the online space and have fun,” she says.

A healthy, fulfilling relationship is about quality over convenience.

“Distance is not what makes relationships deteriorate; complacency and lack of communication play more of a role in that than mileage,” says Hodder-Shipp.

Wilson adds that, while the majority of her app users are most inclined to search for a mate who is ‘GD’ (geographically desirable), “more than two-thirds of them are open to the possibility of dating someone who lives 300 or more miles away—especially if the chemistry and compatibility are off the chart.”

And, in some cases, the distance might make you even closer.

“According to our feedback, 80 percent of our app users in long distance relationships admit that time apart makes them miss each other even more,” says Wilson.

Hodder-Shipp’s observations are aligned with that finding, believing that absence truly can make the heart grow fonder. She stresses that when we are constantly breathing the same air and bumping up against each other, that lack of personal space can serve as a spotlight to our most unflattering quirks. “That sense of mystery and distance can help build desire and excitement for a partner. As long as you’re both committed to being a team and open to exploring, there are so many ways to connect, keep it fun and strengthen the relationship.”

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Lacey Johnson is a writer and editor whose has contributed to Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Woman’s Day, POPSUGAR and others, and is the founder of The Wonder Report. She feels most at home in airports, and is a radical seeker of engrossing conversation. Also a coffee connoisseur.

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• CAREER COLUMN
• 29 April 2021
• Correction 18 May 2021

How we embarked on a long-distance relationship on behalf of our research career

• Gidiane Scaratti 0 &
• Rafael Kenji Nishihora 1

Gidiane Scaratti is a postdoctoral researcher at the National Institute of Technology in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

You can also search for this author in PubMed   Google Scholar

Rafael Kenji Nishihora is a postdoctoral researcher at the Federal University of ABC in São Paulo, Brazil.

We are Brazilian chemical engineers interested in research careers in academia or industry. Because we’ve chosen these careers, we have spent approximately three years of our eight-year relationship far apart from each other.

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doi: https://doi.org/10.1038/d41586-021-00985-1

This is an article from the Nature Careers Community, a place for Nature readers to share their professional experiences and advice. Guest posts are encouraged .

Updates & Corrections

Correction 18 May 2021 : An earlier version of this story gave the wrong years for when Gidiane Scaratti and Rafael Kenji Nishihora earned their PhDs.

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