essay on fight between two friends

• PRO Courses Guides New Tech Help Pro Expert Videos About wikiHow Pro Upgrade Sign In
• EDIT Edit this Article
• EXPLORE Tech Help Pro About Us Random Article Quizzes Request a New Article Community Dashboard This Or That Game Forums Popular Categories Arts and Entertainment Artwork Books Movies Computers and Electronics Computers Phone Skills Technology Hacks Health Men's Health Mental Health Women's Health Relationships Dating Love Relationship Issues Hobbies and Crafts Crafts Drawing Games Education & Communication Communication Skills Personal Development Studying Personal Care and Style Fashion Hair Care Personal Hygiene Youth Personal Care School Stuff Dating All Categories Arts and Entertainment Finance and Business Home and Garden Relationship Quizzes Cars & Other Vehicles Food and Entertaining Personal Care and Style Sports and Fitness Computers and Electronics Health Pets and Animals Travel Education & Communication Hobbies and Crafts Philosophy and Religion Work World Family Life Holidays and Traditions Relationships Youth
• Browse Articles
• Learn Something New
• Quizzes Hot
• Happiness Hub
• This Or That Game
• Train Your Brain
• Explore More
• Support wikiHow
• About wikiHow
• Log in / Sign up
• Relationships

The Expert-Backed Guide to Dealing With Fighting Friends

Last Updated: November 14, 2024 References

Letting It Be

Separating yourself, managing with an ex-couple.

This article was co-authored by Tala Johartchi, PsyD . Dr. Tala Johartchi is a Clinical Psychologist based in the Los Angeles, California metro area. With expertise and advanced training in Evidence-Based Practices and therapeutic/behavioral frameworks, Dr. Johartchi specializes in working with individuals, couples, and families experiencing Substance Disorders, Love Addiction and Codependency, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as well as common co-occurring disorders such as Depression, Anxiety, and Relational/Attachment difficulties. She earned an MA and PsyD in Clinical Psychology from The American School of Professional Psychology at Argosy University, San Francisco. There are 8 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been viewed 94,707 times.

Have you ever been in the position when you have two friends that are fighting, and neither seems right or wrong? This can be especially stressful to manage, especially when they are both close friends of yours. For some tips on getting through it, start with step 1, below.

Things You Should Know

• You can choose to not get involved, or even try mediating between your two friends.
• Make it clear that you won’t take sides; let your friends know that their fighting is stressful for you, and you need some distance until it’s resolved.
• If your friends have just broken up, try to help them get over one another and make sure they know you’re still there for them.

• You may feel like a jerk. That's okay; as long as you are fair and don't try to be a jerk, they will probably respect you more for being wise enough to see through your own emotions and solve the problem.
• If your friend starts to engage in reckless behavior (cutting and other self harm, using drugs or drinking alcohol underage, cutting class or skipping work, breaking the law, doing dirty things with people or trying to commit suicide) you should not do this. Take their side and try to help them either by reminding them that you are there for them and helping them stop cutting/doing drugs/etc, or telling a trusted adult like a caring parent, doctor or guidance counselor. Make sure they feel loved and cared for, before trying to help them solve the problem. It's more important for them to be safe than for them to stop fighting.
• If the problem continues, you should try a different approach. This one is only good for small problems. Long-term problems and friends who had been dating have different types of problems, which you can find advice for later. For long term fights, see the next two methods.

• Soon, you will end up not actually caring. This might prompt your friends to realize that their fight is kind of stupid and not worth working about. However, it depends on the person and some friends might feel betrayed by you or angry, in which case it's best to tell them that you do care about them, just have no interest in the fight.

• Depending on how hard your two friends are pulling on you, you may want to separate yourself from them personally or from the problem, rather than trying to help them fix it. It's best to let things that last for so long come to their own completion than trying to help fix it, because things like this are only able to be solved by the two competing parties. This particular one is about separating yourself from the other people. This is emotionally very difficult, but it may decrease a lot of the stress in your life.
• It may be necessary to reevaluate these friendships. If all the discussions are leaving you feeling disappointed and unfulfilled, maybe these relationships aren't healthy for you.
• Being always ready to rescue the friendship or feeling constantly needed to manage fights and discussions can take a toll on you. In most cases, this should be considered a red flag that there's something wrong.

• Sometimes, the guilt factor alone can speed them to fix it themselves, in which case your friends are good people and you should hang on to them, rather than continuing on. This step takes a while to work, so make sure you tell them both and give them time to work it out or not before continuing.

• Make sure you're not just getting close to spite your other friends. They should be people who you actually enjoy being around or your friendship will feel forced and fake, and you will end up alone and sad after they realize you were using them.

• If they are trying, stop getting away from them and give them time to work it out. Support them as they try, because sometimes if you have been in a fight with someone for years it's actually more comfortable to be in that fight than to end it. This sounds crazy, but status quo is a very easy place to be mentally and it will take your friends some getting used to if they finally start to ease the tensions between them.

• Don't totally cut off communications, but you should definitely not hang out with them any more. Be civil, as that is very important, but don't go out of your way to say hi or anything. Remember, they are not your friend at this point but someone who doesn't care enough about you to try to keep you at least a little happy. (Realize that this step comes like three months after step 3, just to put that into perspective. That's a very long time).
• It's always weird when two of your close friends start going out and then break up, badly or otherwise. However, if they did have a bad breakup, they might get mad at you for hanging out with the other person. Just keep in mind that they have plenty of good reasons not to like one another, but they have no business getting you into their problem (unless you hit on their ex or helped their ex cheat).

• If you drop everything to help them, you will only make it worse. (It's like if you broke your arm, and after it healed someone still carried all your stuff and wrote for you, you still wouldn't be able to use your arm.) Make sure that they can still take care of themselves.

Quiz Pack: We’ve handpicked these quizzes just for you.

Community Q&A

• Make sure you give your friends time to work it out on their own. Don't just do all the steps in like a half a day and expect it to be done. Thanks Helpful 3 Not Helpful 0
• Remind them how nice it feels to not have enemies and stuff. Make sure that they know why they should stop fighting and give them more incentive than "I'll abandon you unless you knock it off!" Thanks Helpful 2 Not Helpful 0
• Be nice, but assume your friends don't want to stop fighting. Try not to give in for no reason. Thanks Helpful 2 Not Helpful 0

• Your friends might not be as close for a little while after this. That's normal. Thanks Helpful 5 Not Helpful 0
• You might feel like a jerk, but you have to remember that this is actually going to help your friends. Fighting is not fun. Thanks Helpful 5 Not Helpful 0
• Try not to get tangled up in the drama or this cannot work, hands down. Thanks Helpful 5 Not Helpful 0
• These tips might not work perfectly. Keep that in mind. Thanks Helpful 4 Not Helpful 0
• If your friend starts to fight with you because you are trying to stop them from fighting, that's absolutely ridiculous. Let them know that you think so and don't participate in fighting. Passive aggressiveness works very well in times like those. Thanks Helpful 2 Not Helpful 0

You Might Also Like

• ↑ https://www.huffpost.com/entry/friends-are-fighting_l_5cad0fdbe4b0e833aa3278aa
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201610/how-avoid-attending-someone-elses-pity-party
• ↑ https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/ten-things-stop-caring-about-you-want-happier.html
• ↑ https://www.businessinsider.com/a-psychologist-identifies-7-signs-its-time-to-let-go-of-a-friendship-2017-4
• ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/making-good-friends.htm
• ↑ https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/25-simple-and-creative-ways-cheer-someone.html
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/changepower/201410/9-ways-be-there-friend-without-giving-advice
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201402/4-ways-be-good-friend-during-friends-breakup

About This Article

• Send fan mail to authors

Reader Success Stories

Lilliana K.

Did this article help you?

Featured Articles

Trending Articles

Watch Articles

• Terms of Use
• Privacy Policy
• Do Not Sell or Share My Info
• Not Selling Info

Get the best dating & love tips

wikiHow's Relationships Newsletter

How to Handle Friendship Conflicts Like an Adult

Friends are the best. Having people who are there for you, support you, inspire you, and send you relatable memes (“lol it’s us”) is one of life’s greatest treasures. But that doesn’t mean you’ll never experience some tension (or, worse, a full-blown fight) with your friends. And that can be a major stressor in our lives, especially since most of us aren't experts at how to handle conflicts in our friendships .

If you’d rather stick your hand in an ant hill than bring up a conflict with a friend, we get it. Our culture tends to emphasize being “cool” and letting things slide. But that’s probably not helping your bond. 

“When we turn toward avoidance, we turn away from healthier connections,” says Miriam Kirmayer, PhD , clinical psychologist and friendship expert. “The healthiest, closest friendships are ones where people will say, ‘Yeah, we have had disagreements, we've had arguments, and we've been able to work through those together.’”

Not to mention that addressing and resolving friendship issues is great practice for other areas of your life too. Navigating sticky friend situations can help you develop the skills to get through relationship issues with partners, colleagues, and even children, says Dr. Kirmayer. 

But addressing problems with friends maturely and calmly takes practice, and you might feel a little (or a lot) uncomfortable at first. Take a deep breath, be brave, and try one of these techniques.

What to do if: You don’t feel like your friendship is being prioritized.

As with most beefs, you don’t want to assume you have all the information or that you know exactly what your friend is going through. One technique that therapist Chase Cassine, LCSW , recommends for these conversations: “Name the situation, say how you're feeling, and explain how you want to resolve it,” he says.

In the case of feeling like your friend isn’t showing up for you, that might look like: “Last week we had plans to hang out and you canceled. That’s happened a few times recently, and I’m feeling hurt. Can we talk about it?”

Most Popular Stories

• 25 Books That Actually Changed People’s Lives
• What Is the Gray Rock Method?
• How to Actually Be a Happier Person

If this is a problem that’s been bothering you for a while, it might be worth getting a little more vulnerable about how it’s affecting your view of the friendship. Dr. Kirmayer recommends a phrase like, “The story I’m telling myself is…” 

For example: “The story I’m telling myself is that you don’t want to see me.” This allows space for you to share what you’re feeling, while also admitting that your truth is only half of the story. This way, you’re inviting them to respond just as honestly without judgment. 

What to do if: The friendship feels competitive.

If you both enjoy a little competition, then no biggie. Maybe they’re the Paris Geller to your Rory Gilmore and it just works. But if not, Dr. Kirmayer says to start with a little self-reflection. Again, it helps to hone in on the story you’re telling yourself, she says. Is there actual evidence that you two are competing in some way? Or are you maybe comparing yourself to your friend more than you should? You might just need to work on your own self-talk rather than confronting your person.

But if it does feel like an interpersonal issue—your friend can’t seem to hear your good news without trying to one-up it with her own accomplishments—address the problem as a dynamic rather than blaming your friend. “Frame it as something that's co-constructed,” Dr. Kirmayer explains. For example, you might say: “I've noticed that some of our conversations can take on a layer of competitiveness. Have you noticed that? Or does it surprise you that I’m saying it?” Your next move will depend on how your friend responds. For example, maybe your friend might explain that they’re not trying to compete with you at all—they’re super, truly, and genuinely happy for you, and they brag about how amazing you are all the time. Hopefully that helps you reframe the crummy feelings you’ve been having about it, so next time it feels less like competition and more like mutual sharing. Or maybe they explain what’s happening on their end, and you find that you’ve been playing into the dynamic too (whoops). In that case, you can brainstorm possible solutions together, like making an effort to give words of affirmation or congratulations before diving into your own good news. 

What to do if: Your friend’s comments feel judgemental or harsh lately. 

First, avoid generalizing, which is a really easy thing to do when feeling hurt. Generalizing looks like, “You’ve been really mean to me lately,” or, “You’re always saying negative stuff.” Instead, get specific and try to keep your tone calm , Cassine says. 

He recommends something like, “I want to talk to you about something that’s been bothering me. Last time we hung out, you said X. You may have meant it as a joke, but it really affected me.” The goal isn’t to punish your friend but to give concrete examples rather than being vague or passive-aggressive, Cassine says. Your friend might have questions or want to explain what they meant. To avoid a constant back-and-forth of you-said-no-you-said, try to keep the conversation geared toward the future rather than rehashing the past more than once. After you’ve both said your peace, how can you avoid these kinds of comments (or misunderstandings!) in future convos? Maybe you agree to skip sharing feedback on something that you feel a little insecure about—or you just avoid that topic altogether. 

What to do if: Your interests and opinions kinda conflict sometimes.    

Hey, friends don’t always agree on everything. Maybe it’s about what you like to do for fun (the party friend and the introvert friend), where you enjoy living (the city friend and the suburb friend), or how you approach finances (the friend who drops thousands on concert tickets and the friend who…doesn’t). When you have mismatched interests in these areas, it can be awkward to work out, and you might both end up feeling like the other one is criticizing your choices whenever they don’t align.  

Dr. Kirmayer’s recommendation: Don’t take their preferences personally, and remember that neither of you is wrong—or, rather, you’re both right. “Whatever tension arises isn't something that the other person is doing to you, it's something that they're doing for themselves,” Dr. Kirmayer says. Next comes compromise—but don’t freak out. Most people assume that compromise means one person totally loses out on what they’re looking for, says Dr. Kirmayer. But that’s a bad deal. Instead, compromise should be about brainstorming ways you can both get as much of what you want as possible.  

Let’s imagine you’re on vacation and you want to spend all your time at the beach while your BFF wants a museum buddy. There are lots of ways to solve for this that involve both of you winning. Maybe you split your time evenly, or maybe you come up with a third idea that hadn’t been on either of your radar—like a guided walk that gets you out in the sun and your friend immersed in culture. Or you can try to look at the history of the friendship and see whose “turn” it might be to pick the plan. “The important thing is that you talk about not just what the solution is but how you're coming to that solution together,” Dr. Kirmayer explains.

What to do if: You fundamentally disagree on something major. 

You probably have some friends that feel like they’re an extension of you walking around with a copy-and-paste of your exact brain. And then there are friends that you love and appreciate despite not being on the same page about some big things—like politics, religion, science, whatever. It’s absolutely possible to have friends with different viewpoints on these subjects, but if those viewpoints or actions feel discriminatory or unsafe for you or your loved ones, that can be a lot harder to work around. 

Depending on how extreme the situation is, you might be able to preserve the friendship by upping your boundaries . This might look like agreeing to avoid a certain topic, or it might mean deprioritizing the friendship so that you’re only seeing each other in larger group settings and keeping conversations more surface-level, says Dr. Kirmayer. 

But friendship should feel chosen, reminds Dr. Kirmayer, who offers a few key indicators that it might be time to choose to step away: “When the friendship comes at the expense of your well-being, when it’s a clash in values that leads you to feel chronically unsafe or unseen, [and] when you have done all you feel you can do and there doesn’t seem to be a change.” If that sounds like your situation, it might be time to let the friendship go . We’ll be blunt here: These conversations are rarely easy. Dr. Kirmayer recommends explaining what feels broken about the friendship and why the subject of this disagreement is important to you. Remember, the goal isn’t to convince the other person that your viewpoint is correct. You’re offering your perspective, acknowledging that they may have a different one, and expressing how you feel about the state of your friendship in those circumstances. 

What to do if: You’re caught in the middle between friends. 

Social media and buddy comedies might make big friend groups look ideal, but they come with their own set of issues. Like… if two of those friends are fighting, and you’re having to hear all about it. 

The good news? It’s a great time to practice boundaries, Dr. Kirmayer says. First, you’ll want to figure out what’s making you uncomfortable. Are they asking for advice? Are they forcing you to (or implying that you should) pick sides? Is it that they’re sharing information not meant for you? Is it that you just don’t feel comfortable hearing about it at all?

Once you figure that out, it’s time to tell your friends—probably separately. Be sure to remind them that you support them both and are neutral in this matter. Then explain what you are and aren’t comfortable with. For example,“I know you’re going through a hard time right now, but I’m not comfortable giving advice about our mutual friend.” Or you might say, “I love you both and I’m really not comfortable being in the middle, so I’d prefer we didn’t talk about what’s going on between you two.”

Your friends might have follow-up questions, and together you can navigate what is and isn’t on the table. For example, one friend might want to know if they can talk more generally about the falling out (like that they’re feeling betrayed or isolated or lonely, but not giving you a play-by-play), and you’ll have to decide whether you’re OK with that.

You might have to remind your friends a few times what you are and aren’t comfortable with before it sinks in, and that’s OK, Dr. Kirmayer says. “Set and reset” boundaries, she says. “The truth is it often takes people a few times to not just hear something but really listen and be able to follow.”

Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.