my child hates homework

Blog Post > “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” Here’s How to Stop the Struggle

• “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” Here’s How to Stop the Struggle

Over the past few weeks I have had many frustrated parents in my office discussing issues that they were having with their child refusing to do homework. Most of the parents I talked to described homework taking hours and ending with everyone frustrated and upset. This is a nightly occurrence and both the child and parent struggle with a solution. The following article from www.empoweringparents.com by Janet Lehman, MSW has some helpful hints that might just end this nightly struggle. — Megan Yaraschuk, M.Ed., PCC

“My Child Refuses to Do Homework” Here’s How to Stop the Struggle by Janet Lehman, MSW

Do you get sucked into a fight over homework with your child every night? So many parents tell me that this is one of their top struggles with their kids. If you’re dealing with this now, you probably dread saying the words, “Okay, time to do your homework,” because you know what’s coming next — screaming, stomping, book-throwing and slammed doors. Or it might simply be hours of dealing with your complaining, whining or non-compliant child or teen who just hates to do the work. Even though you reason, lecture, nag and yell, nothing seems to change — and each night turns into a battle with no victors.

Trust me, I get it. I have to admit that dealing with my son’s homework was one of my least favorite experiences as a parent. It felt overwhelming to me; often, I just wasn’t equipped to offer the help he needed. Our son struggled with a learning disability, which made the work and the amount of time required feel unending at times — both to him and to us. My husband James was much better at helping him, so he took on this responsibility — but even with this division of labor, we had to make adjustments to our schedules, our lives and our expectations to make sure our son turned it in on time.

They Don’t Call It “Homework” for Nothing

Here’s something I learned along the way: homework is work, and there’s no getting around that fact. It’s a chore for both the child and parent. It’s important to understand that schoolwork is often the most difficult part of your child’s busy schedule. Helping your kids manage it despite all the other activities they would rather be doing can be challenging at best. Remember that it’s your child’s job to go to school and learn (including getting homework completed) and your job to provide for your kids, run the house and offer love and guidance to your children.

I know from experience how easy it is to get caught up in power struggles over homework. These struggles begin for several reasons, but the most common one is because your child would rather be relaxing, playing, texting with friends, or doing almost anything else. Know that if you deal with their frustration by losing it and getting mad out of your own frustration, it will be a losing battle. Some kids are even able to manipulate parents this way, because they know the battle over homework may result in your giving up on expectations to get it done.

Here’s the truth: letting your child off the hook for their work will ultimately create problems in their lives. Instead, focus on the fact that as a parent, you need to teach your child how to follow through on expectations and be accountable. All the more reason to take control and make homework just another part of your child’s daily responsibilities.

Here’s my advice for reducing homework hassles in your home:

• Try to stay calm : Try to avoid losing your cool and yelling and screaming, arguing about the right answer for the math problem or the right way to do the geography quiz, ignoring the homework altogether or being inconsistent with what you expect, being overly critical, or giving up and just doing the work for your child. The first step is to try to stay as calm as you can. If you get frustrated and start yelling and screaming at your child, this sets a negative tone and is likely not going to help them get the work done.
• Set clear expectation around homework time and responsibilities. Let your children know that you expect them to get the work done on time and to the best of their abilities; the most important thing is that they try their best. Set aside the same time each afternoon or evening for them to do their work. Understand that kids are all different in how they feel about and approach homework. Some may find English easy, but get really frustrated with math. Another may be a science whiz, but have no patience when it comes to writing. It’s important to know your child: their strengths and struggles, and how they learn. Some kids need small breaks throughout a session, while others may need the task to be broken down into smaller pieces and then varied. While there are some children and teens who are self-directed and able to complete homework without assistance, most require some type of guidance and/or monitoring, depending on their age. This makes it especially challenging for parents, because it means you need to perform different functions with each child you have, depending on their needs.
• Have a relationship with your child’s teacher. Try your best to build a good relationship with your child’s teacher. Start off at the beginning of the school year and stay in touch as the year progresses. Your relationship with your child’s teachers will pay off during the good times as well as the challenging times.
• Play the parental role most useful to your child. Some kids need a coach; others need a “monitor,” while others need more hands-on guidance to complete tasks. Try to match your help with what is most needed. Remember also that your child is doing the homework as a school assignment. The teacher will ultimately be the judge of how good or bad, correct or incorrect the work is. You’re not responsible for the work itself, your responsibility is to guide your child. You can always make suggestions, but ultimately it’s your child’s responsibility to do his or her assignments, and the teacher’s job to grade them.
• Keep activities similar with all your kids. If you have several kids, have them all do similar activities during homework time. Even if one child has less homework or finishes more quickly, they need to be respectful of their siblings by doing quiet, non-disruptive activities.
• Set up a structured time and place for homework. Choose a time and place and stick to a routine as much as possible. Consider adding in break times for kids with shorter attention spans. They might work on their spelling words for 15 minutes, and then take a 5 minute break, for example. Offer snacks to keep kids “fueled” for the work. Keep the house generally quiet for everyone during homework time—turn off the TV (or at least keep the volume down). Make sure your kids have a “space” for doing their work. For some kids this will mean a large work space like a kitchen table to spread out their papers and books, and for others it may mean a small quiet area in their room.
• Start early: Start early with your young children setting up “homework” time, even if it’s just some quiet reading time each night. This helps get them used to the expectation of doing some “homework” each night and will pay off as the actual work gets harder and more time-consuming.
• Offer “Hurdle Help”: Some kids need what we call “hurdle help.” Let’s say your child has big test to study for, but can’t seem to get started. You can help out by running through the first few problems, for example, until he gets the hang of it. Or you might brainstorm with your teen to help her choose a topic for the big paper she has to write. You’re not doing the work for them, rather, you’re helping them get going so the task doesn’t seem so daunting.
• Choose the best person for the job: If you are part of a couple, consider that one of you might be better at “teaching” and then let that person take on the homework monitoring responsibilities. It will likely help the routine become more consistent and effective for your child. If you are a single parent, you might have a friend or family member (an older cousin who’s good at math, or a neighbor who’s a writer, for example) who would consider helping your child from time to time.
• Offer empathy and support. If your child is really struggling, give them some support and guidance and show some empathy. Kids are expected to do some difficult work, and your child may sincerely be struggling with it. If you have a child who is really having a hard time, it’s important to have communication with the teacher to see if this is typical for all kids, or if it’s unique to your child. If your child also has these problems in class, know that there are different approaches to helping them learn that can be useful. The teacher may recommend some testing to see if there are learning problems. While this can be hard to hear as a parent – as if something is wrong with your child – it’s important to find out how your child learns best and what your teacher and you can do to support their learning style.
• Use positive reinforcement and incentives: It’s always important to reinforce positive behavior, and that may mean offering some kind of incentive for completing homework or getting good grades. Most kids get personal satisfaction out of getting good grades and completing their work, and that’s what we’re aiming for. But, it’s also helpful to offer some incentives to encourage them. Rather than money, I would recommend offering rewarding activities for your child’s academic successes. This could include going shopping for some “goodie” the child has really wanted, renting their favorite movie and having “movie night” at home, or other ways of spending special time with a parent. These things can become more meaningful than money for most kids and they get to experience their parent in a loving, supportive and reinforcing role.

Most kids will never really “enjoy” homework, and for some it will always be a struggle. Our children all have different strengths and abilities, and while some may never be excellent students, they might be great workers, talented artists, or thoughtful builders. While it would be easier if all children were self-motivated students who came home, sat down and dug into their homework, this just isn’t going to be the case with most kids. As James often said to parents, “We need to learn to parent the child we have – not the child we’d like them to be.” Our role is to guide our children, support them through the challenging tasks, and teach them about personal responsibility.

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How to motivate a child who refuses to do homework (7 tips that work!)

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If you ask me what the toughest part of parenting is, I would say it is making the kids do what they don’t want to do. 

But when we also know that it’s something they need to do, it becomes every parent’s nagging problem. 

Homework is one such thing. 

If your child is intrinsically motivated to learn and do homework, you are lucky. 

But for many parents, getting their child to do their homework is a struggle. 

The key is in making kids internally motivated and making homework a habitual thing, so they know it is something they have to do. 

Why do kids hate homework?

Many kids refuse to do homework because, after long hours at school, they simply don’t have the energy or interest to study again.

And kids are missing out on their free time which they could spend playing with their friends or engaging in the hobbies they like. 

As they say, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”. It’s no wonder if children are unmotivated to do homework if they have a lot of workloads. 

And as a parent, you can voice your concern with teachers if kids are bearing a lot of workloads. Especially if teachers don’t coordinate with each other on the homework given to kids, it can be troublesome for kids. 

I know many schools do this. Hence I chose a school for my daughters where learning is made to happen more through fun and engaging activities and elementary kids are not given homework on most days. 

Even if they get homework, it’s something that can be done quickly. 

But I found that as kids get older, they find it hard to get to terms with doing homework regularly. And sometimes they are unmotivated also as they don’t see the value in doing homework. 

Homework can be helpful for kids to reinforce what they learned at school. It also helps them to get further practice in subjects like math that always need more practice.

So homework is not all bad. It has its pros and cons. The problem is making kids understand the pros and also become interested in doing them promptly.

So here are some tips to help kids be motivated about their homework and make everyone’s lives easier. 

TIPS TO ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILD TO DO HOMEWORK 

1. BUILD INTRINSIC MOTIVATION IN KIDS TO STUDY

Unless kids develop an interest in learning, not only homework but also attending school can become a tedious task. 

Even if kids(and parents) hate homework, it’s a part of the educational system right now. So our focus should be on how we can make it as interesting as possible for kids. 

Here are some ways to do that:

• Focus on the learning process and not on the rewards. 
• Help them see how they become smarter when they learn new things and how they can understand the world around them more when they learn new things and become more self-dependent. 
• Explain to them about the possible bad experiences they can have if they don’t gain a proper education. That being said, I don’t think a lack of higher education means they are failures in life. There are lots of people who drop out and then go on to become successful in the fields they choose. But even if you want to be more skilled and knowledgeable in any field of your liking, education will only help you. 
• Help kids figure out (even elementary kids) what they want to become in life. The ideas at this age can change all the time, but help them understand the effort required to become what they want and how learning empowers them to achieve their goals. 

Intrinsically motivated kids become genuinely interested in learning . So focusing too much on rewards may not always work if they don’t get the rewards all the time. 

Instead, let them be motivated for the sense of accomplishment which may or may not show results instantly. 

It is the proud feeling that he did what he aimed to do today. You can encourage him for his effort rather than the end result and focus more on what he was able to do when he tried.

This helps to grow their sense of accomplishment and it will reflect later in their interest to do things as well. 

You can also build intrinsic motivation by talking about your experiences and how it has helped you to learn new things and have new experiences in life. 

2. INCORPORATE FUN

Why should homework be always boring? If it’s possible, try to incorporate fun in homework sessions in the best possible way. 

• Help them turn hard-to-memorize portions into songs 
• Make them learn through activities to help them memorize faster and understand the concepts. You can browse online for ideas to teach different concepts through activities. 
• Different kids learn in different ways. Try to appeal to their different senses by finding out appropriate activities that help them learn better.
• Homework buddy: Kids learn better when they are with their friends. Organize homework playdates with their friends if they live nearby. It will be a fun experience for them and also learning gets done without much fuss. 
• Use learning apps: All screen time is not bad. If your child is struggling with any concept, try to find educational apps that help kids grasp the concept quicker. When learning is executed in a fun way, homework time can become less tedious too. 

Here are some apps to get started with.

3. HELP THEM DEVELOP A ROUTINE 

My daughter used to struggle with homework time before, especially last year when they were forced to learn through online classes. 

But I helped her write a daily routine checklist where I asked her to create a schedule for herself. I let her decide the break times and the time during which she wanted to write her homework and study the notes. 

Since I took her opinion into consideration, it became easier to get co-operation too. 

The beauty of having a routine is that they know what is coming. And they get used to the idea of doing homework or studying every day at the same time. 

So, as time goes on, there will be less frustration on their part. 

You can also help them plan their study week by breaking subjects into easy portions. Kids usually do not know much homework they have and how to allot time to each subject to finish them on time. 

They also do not have a sense of time, so they are carefree and don’t know how to finish work on time. 

So help them break their study portions into manageable chunks and help write a to-do list based on it. And also teach them how to set up deadlines to make sure they get it done on time. 

Also, make sure they get homework-free days when they can just relax and do all their favorite activities. 

4. UNDERSTAND THEIR STRONG AND WEAK AREAS 

Talk with your child and try to sit with them (not the entire session) and try to understand which subjects they are good at and which ones they need more help with. 

When creating a schedule, you can develop a routine by focusing more time on harder subjects. 

5. SET UP A HOMEWORK FRIENDLY AREA AT HOME 

To get into the routine easily, and to be able to do their work with more focus, set them up a homework-friendly area. 

This study station should have all the necessary supplies needed for them to do homework peacefully in order to avoid running around during study time to look for things and waste time. 

This also helps them to be organized with studying and get into study mode easily. Encourage them to clean their desk daily and keep it uncluttered so that they can focus on their studies properly. 

Keep this area technology-free and away from the noise so that kids do not get distracted by noises coming from other family members.

Also, make sure to set up different spaces according to the number of kids you have so as to avoid sibling squabbles. 

If you have space constraints, try to set up different time schedules for kids to do their homework. 

6. HELP THEM FOCUS ON STUDYING

Many kids have trouble sitting in one area for long hours. The longer they have to do work, they get tired and there is more resistance to finishing the work.

The Pomodoro technique is a great technique to teach kids. It requires you to set a timer for 25 mins and then take a short break for 10 minutes. This can be repeated 3 more times and then take a longer break of 15 minutes. 

Ask kids to stay focused when the timer is running and if they have any distracting thoughts or impulsive ideas to do something else, keep a notepad and pen ready beside them to note down the distractive thoughts so that they don’t forget them later. 

Another thing to note is that everyone else at home should try to cooperate with their study hours by not turning on music or playing TV shows which will make them distracted. 

You can also take your work or other administrative tasks and turn them into work-study hours by sitting with them. Everyone can work on their job independently by not distracting others.

This also helps to motivate kids to do their work as they have company. 

7. DON’T BE TOO INVOLVED

Some parents tend to be worried about their kids’ homework more than the kids. Stop hovering around the kids nagging and bribing them. 

In other words, stop being a helicopter parent. If we become too much involved or stressed about kids’ homework, they learn to rely on you to remind them of their responsibilities. 

In order to raise independent kids who can take care of their stuff on their own, implement the tips said above. 

Refrain from bribing and nagging. 

Bribing kids for doing homework sends a wrong message. It takes away the intrinsic motivation to do things and succeed on their own. 

Nagging prevents kids from doing things of their own will and they learn to procrastinate because they know you are going to be there to remind them of all the tasks. 

So what to do when they are not willing to do homework on their own?

• Let them experience natural consequences

Instead of being a nagging parent, you can be an encourager and facilitator. 

You can remind your kids of the consequences of not doing the homework and build expectations by telling them you will check their homework at a scheduled time. 

A natural consequence would be to let them experience the consequence from their teacher. If they forget to turn in the homework on time or forget their books at school, you do not need to spend hours solving their math problems. 

Instead, let them do it, or if they don’t let them experience the consequence at school. 

A logical consequence would be to cut hours from their screen time and playtime because they are most probably getting away from doing homework doing these. Or any consequence related to the situation you experience. 

• Never do your child’s homework or write notes for them

This is inviting trouble for yourself in the future.

Remind your kids that you are there for them to help, but they are the ones who would be writing and doing the homework.

They should know that they are the ones responsible for their work and they can never expect anyone else to do it on their behalf.

If they fail to do it they are the ones experiencing the consequences as well. 

It is hard for parents to see kids struggle when they have a lot of workloads. When kids complain about studies or homework maintain a positive demeanor.

You can say “I get you and I know it’s hard”. But don’t go overboard by blaming teachers or the education system.

If you have complaints, you can discuss them privately with the concerned teachers. But blaming them in front of the kids can bring on a negative attitude in kids towards their teachers. 

And with kids, establish clear expectations of how they are expected to do with studies. It may take a while to get them adjusted to the routine and develop time management skills , but once they get used to the idea, there will be less complaining. 

Complaining and bickering about studies are normal. Just lend empathizing attention to them, do what you can to help by implementing the above tips, and leave the rest to them. 

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Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework

By debbie pincus, ms lmhc.

Parents often feel it’s their job to get their kids to do well in school. Naturally, you might get anxious about this responsibility as a parent. You might also get nervous about your kids succeeding in life—and homework often becomes the focus of that concern.

But when parents feel it’s their responsibility to get their kids to achieve, they now need something from their children—they need them to do their homework and be a success. I believe this need puts you in a powerless position as a parent because your child doesn’t have to give you what you want.

The battle about homework becomes a battle over control. Your child starts fighting to have more control over the choices in their life, while you feel that your job as a parent is to be in control of things. So you both fight harder, and it turns into a war in your home.

Over the years, I’ve talked to many parents who are in the trenches with their kids, and I’ve seen firsthand that there are many creative ways kids rebel when it comes to schoolwork. Your child might forget to do their homework, do their homework but not hand it in, do it sloppily or carelessly, or not study properly for their test. These are just a few ways that kids try to hold onto the little control they have.

When this starts happening, parents feel more and more out of control, so they punish, nag, threaten, and argue. Some parents stop trying altogether to get their children to do homework. Or, and this is common, parents will over-function for their kids by doing the work for them.

Now the battle is in full swing: reactivity is heightened as anxiety is elevated—and homework gets lost in the shuffle. The hard truth for parents is that you cannot make your children do anything, let alone homework. But what you can do is to set limits, respect their individual choices, and help motivate them to motivate themselves.

You might be thinking to yourself, “You don’t know my child. I can’t motivate him to do anything.” Many parents tell me that their children are not motivated to do their work. I believe that children are motivated—they just may not be motivated the way you’d like them to be. Keep reading for some concrete tips to help you guide them in their work without having to nag, threaten, or fight with them.

Also, keep in mind that if you carry more of the worry, fear, disappointments, and concern than your child does about their work, ask yourself, “What’s wrong with this picture, and how did this happen?” Remember, as long as you carry their concerns, they don’t have to.

Stop the Nightly Fights

The way you can stop fighting with your kids over homework every night is to stop fighting with them tonight. Disengage from the dance. Choose some different steps or decide not to dance at all. Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Stay focused on your job, which is to help your child do their job. Don’t do it for them.

If you feel frustrated, take a break from helping your child with homework. Your blood pressure on the rise is a no-win for everyone. Take five or ten minutes to calm down, and let your child do the same if you feel a storm brewing.

Create Structure Around Homework Time

Set limits around homework time. Here are a few possibilities that I’ve found to be effective with families:

• Homework is done at the same time each night.
• Homework is done in a public area of your house.
• If grades are failing or falling, take away screen time so your child can focus and have more time to concentrate on their work.
• Make it the rule that weekend activities don’t happen until work is completed. Homework comes first. As James Lehman says, “The weekend doesn’t begin until homework is done.”

Let Your Child Make Their Own Choices

I recommend that your child be free to make their own choices within the parameters you set around schoolwork. You need to back off a bit as a parent. Otherwise, you won’t be helping them with their responsibilities.

If you take too much control over the situation, it will backfire on you by turning into a power struggle. And believe me, you don’t want a power struggle over homework. I’ve seen many kids purposely do poorly just to show their parents who’s in charge. I’ve also seen children who complied to ease their parents’ anxiety, but these same kids never learned to think and make choices for themselves.

Let Your Child Own the Consequences of Their Choices

I’m a big believer in natural consequences when it comes to schoolwork. Within the structure you set up, your child has some choices. They can choose to do their homework or not. And they can choose to do it well and with effort or not. The natural consequences will come from their choices—if they don’t choose to do their work, their grades will drop.

When that happens, you can ask them some honest questions:

“Are you satisfied with how things are going?”

“What do you want to do about your grade situation?”

“How can I be helpful to you?”

Be careful not to be snarky or judgmental. Just ask the question honestly. Show honest concern and try not to show disappointment.

Intervene Without Taking Control

The expectation is that homework is done to the best of your child’s ability. When they stop making an effort, and you see their grades drop, that’s when you invite yourself in. You can say:

“It’s my job to help you do your job better. I’m going to help you set up a plan to help yourself, and I will check in to make sure you’re following it.”

Set up a plan with your child’s input to get them back on their feet. For example, the new rules might be that homework must be done in a public place in your home until they get their grades back up. You and your child might meet with the teacher to discuss disciplinary actions should their grades continue to drop.

In other words, you will help your child get back on track by putting a concrete plan in place. And when you see this change, you can step back out of it. But before that, your child is going to sit in a public space and you’re going to monitor their work.

You’re also checking in more. Depending on your child’s age, you’re making sure that things are checked off before they go out. You’re adding a half-hour of review time for their subjects every day. And then, each day after school, they’re checking with their teacher or going for some extra help.

Remember, this plan is not a punishment—it’s a practical way of helping your child to do their best.

“I Don’t Care about Bad Grades!”

Many parents will say that their kids just don’t care about their grades. My guess is that somewhere inside, they do care. “I don’t care” also becomes part of a power struggle.

In other words, your child is saying, “I’m not going to care because you can’t make me. You don’t own my life.” And they’re right. The truth is, you can’t make them care. Instead, focus on what helps their behavior improve. And focus more on their actions and less on their attitude because it’s the actions that matter the most.

Motivation Comes From Ownership

It’s important to understand that caring and motivation come from ownership. You can help your child be motivated by allowing them to own their life more.

So let them own their disappointment over their grades. Don’t feel it more than they do. Let them choose what they will do or not do about their homework and face the consequences of those choices. Now they will begin to feel ownership, which may lead to caring.

Let them figure out what motivates them, not have them motivated by fear of you. Help guide them, but don’t prevent them from feeling the real-life consequences of bad choices. Think of it this way: it’s better for your child to learn from those consequences at age ten by failing their grade and having to go to summer school than for them to learn at age 25 by losing their job.

When Your Child Has a Learning Disability

I want to note that it’s very important that you check to see that there are no other learning issues around your child’s refusal to do homework. If they’re having difficulty doing the work or are performing below grade-level expectations, they should be tested to rule out any learning disabilities or other concerns.

If there is a learning disability, your child may need more help. For example, some kids need a little more guidance; you may need to sit near your child and help a little more. You can still put structures into place depending on who your child is.

But be careful. Many times, kids with learning disabilities get way too much help and develop what psychologists call learned helplessness . Be sure you’re not over-functioning for your learning disabled child by doing their work for them or filling in answers when they’re capable of thinking through them themselves.

The Difference Between Guidance and Over-Functioning

Your child needs guidance from you, but understand that guidance does not mean doing their spelling homework for them. Rather, it’s helping them review their words. When you cross the line into over-functioning, you take on your child’s work and put their responsibilities on your shoulders. So you want to guide them by helping them edit their book report themselves or helping them take the time to review before a test. Those can be good ways of guiding your child, but anything more than that is taking too much ownership of their work.

If your child asks for help, you can coach them. Suggest that they speak with their teacher on how to be a good student and teach them those communication skills. In other words, show them how to help themselves. So you should not back off altogether—it’s that middle ground that you’re looking for. That’s why I think it’s essential to set up a structure. And within that structure, you expect your child to do what they have to do to be a good student.

Focus on Your Own Goals

When you start over-focusing on your child’s work, pause and think about your own goals and what do you need to get done to achieve those goals. Model your own persistence and perseverance to your child.

Believe In Your Child

I also tell parents to start believing in their children. Don’t keep looking at your child as a fragile creature who can’t do the work. I think we often come to the table with fear and doubt—we think if we don’t help our kids, they’re just not going to do it.

But as much as you say, “I’m just trying to help you,” what your child hears is, “You’re a failure; I don’t believe you can do it on your own.”

Instead, your message should be, “I know you can do it. And I believe in you enough to let you make your own choices and deal with the consequences.”

Related content: What Can I Do When My Child Refuses to Go to School? “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork

For more information on the concept of learned helplessness in psychology and behavior, we recommend the following articles:

Psychology Today: Learned Helplessness

VeryWell Mind: What Is Learned Helplessness and Why Does it Happen?

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

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Frank My daughter Nina just turned 8 (Feb 11). She does not like to do homework one bit. Her teacher gives her homework every day except Friday. She loves Fridays because she doesn't like homework. She always hides her homework under her bed, refuses to do her homework, and in the More morning she tells her teacher "I lost it last night and can't find it!". She feels homework is a waste of time, yes, we all feel that way, but poor Nina needs to learn that homework is important to help you stay smart. She needs to start doing homework. How can I make her 2nd-grade brain know that homework is actually good? Is there a way to make her love, love, LOVE homework? Let me know.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. In addition to the tips in More the article above, it may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing these particular issues with your cousins, such as their doctor or their teachers. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach I hear you. Homework can be a challenging, frustrating time in many families even under the best of circumstances, so you are not alone. When kids struggle with a subject, it can be even more difficult to get assignments completed. Although you didn’t indicate that your daughter More has ADHD, you might find some helpful tips in Why School is Hard for Kids with ADHD—and How You Can Help . Author Anna Stewart outlines techniques that can be useful to help make homework more interesting for kids with a variety of learning challenges in this article. You might also consider checking in with your daughter’s teacher, as s/he might have some additional ideas for engaging your daughter in her homework. Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family. Take care.

So, after reading this I get to say…GREAT…You really do not know my child.  We have done 100% of everything listed in this article.  In the end, my son has utterly declared “I DON’T CARE, AND I DON’T NEED SCHOOL”.  We have attempted a “reward” system as well, and that doesn’t work.  He cares about 3 or 4 things.  Nintendo DS, Lego, K’Nex, TV…all of those he has lost over the past year.  Now he reads, ALL the time.  Fine, but that doesn’t get his homework done.  It also doesn’t get anything else he needs to do done.  We’ve done “task boards”, we’ve done “Reward Systems”, we’ve done the “What is on your list to complete”.  EVERYTHING is met with either a full fledged meltdown (think 2 year old…on the floor, kicking and screaming and crying).  His IMMEDIATE response to ANYTHING that may interrupt him is “NO” or worse.  If something doesn’t go his way directly he throws a fit INSTANTLY, even if the response is “Give me a second” it’s NOW OR I’M DESTROYING SOMETHING.  He’s been suspended multiple times for his anger issues, and he’s only 10.  Unfortuantely we have no family history as he was adopted from Russia.  His “formal” diagnosis are ADHD and Anxiety.  I’m thinking there is something much more going on.  BTW: He did have an IQ test and that put him at 145 for Spacial and Geometric items, with a 136 for written and language.  His composite was 139, which puts him in the genius category, but he’s failing across the board…because he refuses to do the work.

Interesting article and comments. Our son (6th grade) was early diagnosed as ADHD and for the first 3 years of elementary school several of his teachers suggested he might require special education. But then the school counseling staff did a workup and determined that his IQ is 161 and from that point forward his classroom antics were largely tolerated as “eccentric”.  He has now moved to middle school (6th grade) and while his classroom participation seems to be satisfactory to all teachers, he has refused to do approximately 65% of his homework so far this school year. We have tried talking with him, reasoning with him, removing screen time, offering cash payments (which he lectures us as being unethical “bribes”), offering trips, offering hobbies and sporting events, and just about anything we can think of. Our other children have all been through the “talented and gifted” programs, but he simply refuses to participate in day-to-day school work. His fall report card was pretty much solid “F” or “O” grades. He may be bored out of his mind, or he may have some other issues. Unfortunately, home schooling is not an option, and neither is one of the $40,000 per year local private schools which may or may not be in a better position to deal with his approach to school.  Do “learning centers” work for kids like this? Paying somebody else to force him to do his homework seems like a coward’s solution but I am nearly at the end of my rope! Thanks..

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport 12yokosuka Many parents struggle with staying calm when their child is acting out and screaming, so you are not alone.  It tends to be effective to set up a structured time for kids to do their homework and study, and they can earn a privilege if they comply and meet More their responsibilities.  What this might look like for your daughter is that if she studies, she can earn her phone that day.  If she refuses, and chooses to argue or scream at you instead, then she doesn’t earn her phone that day and has another chance the next day.  You can read more about this in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/.  If you are also looking for resources to help you stay calm, I encourage you to check out our articles, blogs, and other resources on https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/parenting-strategies-techniques/calm-parenting/.  Please let us know if you have any additional questions.  Take care.

Scott carcione 

I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you are experiencing with your

son.I also hear the different

approaches you and your ex are taking toward parenting your son.While it would be ideal if you were able to

find common ground, and present a consistent, united response to your son’s

choices, in the end, you can only https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-after-divorce-9-ways-to-parent-on-your-own-terms/.At

this point, it might be useful to meet with the school to discuss how you can

work together to hold your son accountable for his actions, such as receiving a

poor grade if he refuses to do his work.Janet Lehman discusses this more in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/when-your-child-has-problems-at-school-6-tips-for-parents/.Take care.

It can be so challenging when your child is acting out at school, yet does

not act that way at home.One strategy I

recommend is talking with your son at home about his behavior at school.During this conversation, I encourage you to

address his choices, and come up with a specific plan for what he can do differently

to follow the rules.I also recommend

working with his teachers, and discussing how you can assist them in helping

your son to follow the rules.You might

find additional useful tips in our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/acting-out-in-school-when-your-child-is-the-class-troublemaker/.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your son.Take care.

I hear you.It can be so challenging

when your young child is having outbursts like this.A lot of young children tend to act out and

have tantrums when they are experiencing a big transition, such as starting a

new school or adjusting to having a younger sibling, so you are not alone.Something that can be helpful is to set up

clear structure and expectations around homework, as Janet Lehman points out in

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-child-refuses-to-do-homework-heres-how-to-stop-the-struggle/.I also encourage you to set aside some time

for you to have https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/attention-seeking-behavior-in-young-children-dos-and-donts-for-parents/ with your daughter as well.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your family.Take care.

JoJoSuma I am having the exact same problem with my 9 year old son. His grades are quickly falling and I have no idea why or where to begin with helping him turn things around. When he applies himself he receives score of 80% or higher, and when he doesn't it clearly shows and he receives failing scores. He, too, says that he doesn't do or want to do the work because it is boring, or that he "Forgot" or "lost it". He has started to become a disruption to the class and at this rate I am afraid that he will have to repeat 5th grade. I am also a single parent so my frustration is at an all time high. You are not alone and I wish you and your family the best.

Thank you so much for these tips RebeccaW_ParentalSupport because I SERIOUSLY had nowhere to turn and no clue where to begin. I have cried many nights feeling like I was losing control. I will try your tips and see where things go from here.

It’s not uncommon

for kids to avoid doing homework, chores or other similar tasks.  After

all, homework can be boring or difficult, and most people (both kids and adults

alike) tend to prefer activities which are enjoyable or fun.  This does

not mean that you cannot address this with your daughter, though. 

Something which can be helpful for many families is to set up a structured

homework time, and to require that your daughter complete her homework in order

to earn a privilege later on that evening.  You can read about this, and

other tips, in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/. 

Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and

your daughter.  Take care.

Thestruggleisreal I'm just now signing up for these articles, I'm struggling with my 12 year and school work, she just doesn't want to do it, she has no care I'm world to do, she is driving me crazy over not doing, I hate to see her More fail, but I don't know what to do

FamilyMan888 

I can hear how much your

daughter’s education means to you, and the additional difficulties you are

facing as a result of her learning disabilities.  You make a great point

that you cannot force her to do her work, or get additional help, and I also

understand your concern that getting her teachers to “make” her do these things

at school might create more conflict there as well.  As James Lehman

points out in his article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stop-the-blame-game-how-to-teach-your-child-to-stop-making-excuses-and-start-taking-responsibility/, lowering your expectations for your daughter due to her

diagnosis is probably not going to be effective either.  Instead, what you

might try is involving her in the https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/, and asking her what she thinks she needs, and what she will do

differently, to meet classroom expectations.  Please be sure to write back

and let us know how things are going for you and your family.  Take care.

tvllpit Very effective to  kids age of 5, 7, and 11 years old. Thank you for sharing your idea.

Thank you for

your question.  You are correct that we recommend setting up a structured

time for kids to do homework, yet not getting into a power struggle with them

if they refuse to do their work during that time.  It could be useful to

talk with your 11 year old about what makes it difficult to follow through with

doing homework at that time, and perhaps experimenting with doing homework at

another time to see if that works more effectively.  In the end, though,

if your child is simply refusing to do the work, then we recommend giving a

consequence and avoiding a power struggle.  Megan Devine details this

process more in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/. 

Please let us know if you have any additional questions.  Take care.

jovi916 I'm a mother to a 10 year old 5th grader. Since 3rd grade I've been struggling with homework. That first year, I thought it was just lack of consistency since my children go between mine and dad's house. I tried setting some sort of system up with More the teacher to get back on track, but the teacher said it was the child's responsibility to get the hw done. This year has been esp. Difficult. He stopped doing hw, got an F, so I got on him. He stared turning half done work, but same grades so I still got on him. Grades went up, I loosened up, then he stopped with in school work. Now it's back to not turning anything in, even big projects and presentations. He had never really been allowed to watch tv, but now it's a definite no, I took his Legos away, took him out of sports. Nothing is working. He's basically sitting at the table every night, and all weekend long in order to get caught up with missing assignments. I'm worried, and next year he'll be in middle school. I try setting an example by studying in front of him. My daughter just does her homework and gets good grades. Idk what to do.

I can hear your concern. Academic achievement is important

to most parents and when your children seem to be struggling to complete their

work and get good grades, it can be distressing. Ultimately, your childrens’

school work and grades are their responsibility. You shouldn’t have to quit

your own studies in order to help them improve theirs. The above article gives

some great tips for helping motivate your children to complete their homework.

We do have a couple other articles you may also find useful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/10-ways-to-motivate-your-child-to-do-better-in-school/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/sinking-fast-at-school-how-to-help-your-child-stay-afloat/. We appreciate you

writing in and hope you find the information useful. Take care.

RNM I have the exact same issues with my 8 year old. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. He's a smart kid, he just doesn't seem to care to do his homework let alone if he gets a bad grade as a result. He hates reading, but does More very well in spelling and science. Homework is an issue nightly and the teacher pulled me aside today to tell me again how much he talks in class and that now he isn't writing down his assignments and is missing 3 assignments this week. SMH, I don't know what to do anymore other than to coach him (some more) and take away basketball if he doesn't do his homework.

What?  "Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Refuse to get pulled in by the school.."  I do not see the logic or benefit of this advice.  Homework, by definition, is the responsibility of the student and parent (NOT the teacher).  The teacher does not live at the student's home or run the house.  

In my opinion, the lack of parental involvement with academics often causes the low student performance evident across the U.S.  I do not agree with advocating for even LESS parental involvement.

I completely agree with you. Parental, or adult, engagement at home can be a deal-maker/breaker when it comes to student performance. I subscribe to theories that differ from the author's.

First, if an adult is involved with the child and his activities, then the child will commonly react with "hey, somebody cares about me" leading to an increased sense of self-worth. A sense of caring about one's-self leads to caring about grades and other socially acceptable behaviors (Maslow).

Secondly, I am a FIRM believer in the techniques of behavior modification through positive reinforcement (Karen Pryor). It's up to an invested adult to determine what motivates the student and use those motivators to shape and reinforce desirable behavior such as daily homework completion. A classroom teacher has too many students and too little time to apply this theory.

Letting a child sink or swim by himself is a bad idea. Children have only one childhood; there are no do-overs.

And yes, children are work.

Many experience similar feelings of being at fault when

their child fails, so, you’re not alone. Truth of the matter is, allowing your

child to experience natural consequences of their actions by allowing them to

fail gives them the opportunity to look at themselves and change their

behavior.  We have a couple articles I think you may find helpful: When You Should Let Your Child Fail: The Benefits of Natural Consequences & 5 Natural Consequences You Should Let Your Child Face . Good luck to you and

your family moving forward. Take care.

hao hao It is so true, we can't control our children's home. It is their responsibility. But they don't care it. What can we do it?

indusreepradeep

How great it is that you want to help your brother be more

productive with his homework. He’s lucky to have a sibling who cares about him

and wants him to be successful. Because we are a website aimed at helping

parents develop better ways of managing acting out behavior, we are limited in

the advice we can offer you as his sibling. There is a website that may be able

to offer you some suggestions. http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/

is a website aimed at helping teens and young adults figure out ways of dealing

with challenges they may be facing in their lives. They offer several ways of

getting support, such as by e-mail or text, through an online forum and chat,

and also a call in helpline. You can check out what they have to offer at http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/. Good luck

to you and your family moving forward. Take care.

Kathleenann indusreepradeep

Thank you so much for your humble support....

It sounds like you have done a lot

of work to try to help your daughter achieve her educational goals, and it’s

normal to feel frustrated when she does not seem to be putting in the same

amount of effort.  It can be useful to keep your focus on whether your

daughter is doing her work, and to keep that separate from whether she “cares”

about doing her work.  Ultimately, it is up to your daughter to do her

work, regardless of how she appears to feel about it.  To that end, we

recommend working with the various local supports you have in place, such as

her therapists and others on her IEP team, to talk about what could be useful

to motivate your daughter to do her school work.  Because individuals with

autism can vary greatly with their abilities, it’s going to be more effective

to work closely with the professionals who are familiar with your daughter’s

strengths and level of functioning in order to develop a plan to address this

issue.  Thank you so much for writing in; we wish you and your daughter

all the best as you continue to address her difficulties with school. 

is there a blog for parents that went to Therapeutic boarding schooling for their adolescent?

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

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• 4. Young Kids in School: Help for the Top 4 Behavior Problems
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Homework Is Stupid and I Hate Everything

How to get your child unstuck, re-glued, and doing their work.

Posted September 4, 2014

“I can’t do this! I can’t do anything! This is stupid! I’m stupid. Everything is stupid, I quit!”

We’ve all witnessed these moments of utter frustration when kids feel daunted by an assignment, or even just the idea of homework, often even before the work comes out of the backpack. Their unhelpful, pessimistic sixth sense tells them that this really is impossible, then comes the melt down, the shut down, the collapsing into a heap at the kitchen table, the tears, the anger . The mess.

What’s a parent to do?

If you’re like most parents, what you do starts out nicely enough: calmly reassuring, then coaxing, then pleading, then as your child’s resistance mounts, you quickly devolve into exasperation. The tough-love comes out and it’s not too pretty (or effective).

We could launch into an escalating match of dueling catastrophizers (Why can’t he do this? If he can’t even handle 15 minutes of homework, how is he ever going to get through school, get a job—deal with life?! I can’t take it!), but thankfully, there are other choices!

While it seems like your child is being cranky, spoiled or just needs to toughen up—that’s missing the point (and you certainly won’t advance the cause by mentioning it).

Kids in these moments would love things to be different; they don’t want to act or feel this way—but their internal yikes button has been pushed, they are in amygdala overdrive, their brain has detected a threat and they are going to fight or flee, but in no way sit down and work. So caught up in their emotions and quick-assessment of the impossibility of their work, they’re stumped, they feel trapped, and they don’t know how to get out.

Kids have probably never loved homework, so that’s not new, but thanks to our fast-paced, immediate gratification culture, kids today think that learning and everything else that’s mildly challenging and not fun, shouldn’t be. The resilience and perseverance they show when playing videogames or looking for the perfect outfit is unavailable to them when it comes to schoolwork. They think that learning should be like voila! Instant success. No fuss, no muss. And when it’s not, they are convinced that their struggle is undeniable proof of their inadequacy and lack of intelligence — they can’t do it, they’ll never be able to do it, and… they’re stupid.

What’s our job? How do we reset the yikes button?

To begin with, we need reverse our children’s learning about learning. We need to teach kids that a little bit of struggle is a normal and expected part of anyone’s climb on the learning curve. Everyone. Yes, every single person. Very smart people go through the same thing—a lot. In fact. that’s how they get smarter. They just aren’t talking about it so kids don’t witness it, but it happens to "smart kids" too.

Struggle is not a sign of a problem, it’s a sign that new growth is ahead! A sign that mastery is on the other side of this struggle and that means that in a little bit they are going to know even more than they do right now. And when it comes to knowledge—more is more.

If kids knew to expect the struggle, and viewed it as temporary and manageable, and that on the other side of it is the aha moment of success and pride—well, they wouldn’t be so set on avoiding their work fearing that it will gobble them (and their self-esteem ) up; they’d head in knowing that they will emerge triumphant soon (like they always do).

Great. But how do you teach this to a child who is falling apart on the floor?

Empathy, and a plan to do it differently next time. Job number one is to help your child get into the right mindset about work and learning and mistakes, but also creating a plan with your child to get into good work habits and patterns for success. Here are ideas to get you started.

Reflect and Empathize Rather than Convince, Using the Red Pen Edit : Resist the urge to just “fix” or “downplay” your child’s distress. Instead, empathize with your child’s frustration—this doesn’t mean you agree with the reasons they are feeling the way they do. Your empathy will free them up to hear other points of view. Take the “I can’t! ” and edit in some qualifiers: “You’re feeling really frustrated right now .” “This looks really hard right now .” “You’re not feeling like you want to do this right now .” “This feels really overwhelming to you, right now .” “Your mind is telling you right now that this isn’t going to work.” Notice how these edits take away the authority of the negative thinking . “I can’t” sounds like a fact, irrevocable. Putting in the qualifiers shows how these ideas are just temporary—they are one interpretation among many possible alternatives.

Words like this get your child nodding in agreement, and that base of connection will provide the springboard for collaborating on your next move together. Without it, there’s no springboard; there’s just the gravity of your child’s resistance pulling you both down.

Relabel the Bad Guy: Rather than saying things like: “Why are you being so negative (or difficult)? Help your child get distance from their own feelings and don’t confuse your child with their negative exaggerating brain. Instead, help your child step back and say: “Your worry is really trying to take over,” or, “Your worry mind is really trying to make this hard for you; that’s not fair to you.” This also helps your child know that you are working with them, not against them.

Get Specific and Think in Parts: Anxious thinking supersizes small problems and makes them seem monumental, permanent and unchangeable. Help your child narrow down the problem from the “everything” that is wrong, and identify the one thing that’s really feeling daunting. Negative thinking speaks in absolutes. The antidote is using the word some : “Tell me some parts that are hard, some parts that are perhaps easier.” “This feels really big, right now what feels like the hardest part? What’s the part that you think will be the toughest?What part do you think you could tackle first?

Once you break through the tyranny of all or none thinking, some things feel more approachable. The door is open.

Ask Your Child to Time the Process: Children hate homework, but adding an hour of resistance to the 15 minutes it often takes to complete the work is just extending the misery. Challenge your child to see how much more efficiently they can get their work done when there’s minimal grumbling. Be a neutral, agenda-free encourager of your child’s data collection. Have your child time their actual work time vs. start up time each day for a week. When they see how much time they’re wasting on start-up, the result will sell itself. (Don’t ruin the project by saying things like—“see, I told you it would be faster if you didn’t complain.” Best if your child discovers that for himself).

Use Grandma’s Rule As An Incentive: First comes dinner, then you get to eat dessert. Heading into homework time, ask your child what they want to do after their work is done. This will help get the momentum going.

Create a Routine: Rather than fight the homework battle anew each day, discuss a plan with your child for when and where homework will be done every day, so after a few weeks (it takes about three weeks to establish a new routine), your child will know the drill and get with the program, and won’t argue about it (especially if they were involved in the creation of the plan). Have your child write down the schedule and hang it on the fridge, so if there are questions, you don’t have to be the bad guy, just point to the schedule.

Destigmatize Mistakes Some of the homework drama comes from kids being afraid they won’t know how to do something and they don’t want to be caught in that moment. Take the pressure off. Yes, there is often a right or wrong answer in school, but in life, kids need to learn how to try things when they are not exactly sure how they will go. Link mistakes with courage and learning rather than embarrassment and failure. Focus on the process—what they can learn from it—rather than the fact of the mistake. Have your child identify a “fallible hero” or “famous failure” such as Michael Jordan being cut from his high school basketball team, or Thomas Edison requiring 10,000 trials before he made a successful light-bulb. Success is about perseverance; mistakes are the stepping stones.

Don’t Talk about the Future in Negative Ways Keep the—“you need to be able to do this for college!, or, “Every grade counts!”—orientation out of your nightly homework routine. What matters is the “trend” of your child’s work ethic and performance, not every single moment. The best predictor of future success and confidence is current success and confidence. Don’t pull the rug out from under your child by holding the future over her head, instead build confidence by encouraging your child’s efforts now.

Normalize! Show the Seams of How Learning Works Many children believe that intelligence is fixed—you either have it or you don’t. Parents and educators need to actively promote the idea that intelligence is acquired through experience and experience isn’t always neat and tidy. Introduce the idea of a learning curve , let children know that concepts are hard at first , that they have not mastered them yet (not that it is a now or never endeavor). Use examples of your own learning process with new challenges to show the trial and error process of gaining competency. It is not about Presto! It’s about effort.

Stay tuned for more blog posts about homework success. Next topic: Strategies for Preventing Homework Procrastination .

Want to learn more about how to help your child overcome worry and negative thinking? Check out my new book, Freeing Your Child from Anxiety: The Revised and Updated Version: Practical Strategies to Overcome Fears, Worries and Phobias from Toddlers to Teens and Be Prepared for Life! Harmony Books, 2014.

©Tamar Chansky, Ph.D., 2014. No part may be copied without permission from author.

Tamar Chansky, Ph.D., is a psychologist dedicated to helping children, teens, and adults overcome anxiety.

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Deborah Tillman: when your child says, “I hate homework!”

by: Leslie Crawford | Updated: June 15, 2017

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“Often times, parents go negative,” warns Deborah Tillman, star of America’s Supernanny . “The child says, ‘I’m not doing my homework!’ The parent says, ‘Yes you are doing the homework!’ Then it’s back-and-forth and arguing. Cut that out! What I do is: homework time for the whole family; everybody’s going to do something. When I’m going around the country working with children, I’ve actually put all the children at the table: a preschooler, an eleventh grader, a middle schooler. Everybody’s doing homework at homework time. Then it’s a lot easier because they feel like they’re not alone.

“What you want to do is to motivate, but you want to make sure a child understands that homework is nonnegotiable. You’re not going to have this long philosophical conversation with the child. They need to know: ‘Homework is nonnegotiable, because you’re in school and it’s your job to do the homework. Mommy and Daddy will help you as much as we can, but you have to do your homework. There’s no such thing as not doing your homework if you live in the house. We’re not going to have a battle about homework.'”

Here’s how 4 other parenting experts say to respond…

Adele Faber The famed How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk author offers her expert advice on exactly what to say to a homework-hating child. Format: Article  

Christine Carter The Raising Happiness author and child development expert explains two surprising things kids need to focus on their homework. Format: Video (2:09)  

Madeline Levine When it comes to homework troubles, the famed psychologist and The Price of Privilege author cautions parents against coming to your child’s rescue. Format: Video (1:20)  

Sara Bennett If your elementary schooler is unhappy about her nightly workload, the author of The Case Against Homework says it’s OK to do the unimaginable. Format: Article  

Get more tips and advice from America’s Supernanny Deborah Tillman .

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Help, My Child Hates Doing Homework!

Why you should agree with your kids when they tell you they hate doing their homework.

The great debate over homework is a struggle many parents face. The challenge probably looks similar across many homes. The child says, “Ugh, I hate doing my homework!” Followed by the parent saying, “Well, you have to — that’s part of your responsibilities.” This might be met with some type of schedule where the parent helps the child adhere to a more organized and structured way to complete his or her homework for the day. The arguing continues with the child asking to take a break every five minutes. 

By the time the homework is finished, everyone is exhausted. 

What if we explored this from the perspective of the child? She’s tired from her school day, and now she has to lug everything out of her backpack and spend more time doing the exact thing that has exhausted her in the first place. What if we validated how she felt and agreed? Meaning, every time they start to say they don’t like doing homework, instead of giving into to our kneed jerk reaction to stop the complaining, we say, “I understand, and I get how you’re feeling. I don’t blame you for not wanting to do your homework.” Agreement does not mean she doesn’t have to do it.

When my son was in middle school he came home and started to complain about an assignment he needed to complete at home. This particular year he had a teacher who was very “worksheet” happy. He started to complain, and I immediately tried to stop it. “Don’t complain, just focus and get your work done…you can do it!” 

Now, can you imagine if every time you complained to your spouse, partner or friend about something, they just shut you down quickly?

Before I launched into my “don’t complain” pep talk, I walked over to see my son’s assignment. He was right. It was a worksheet that asked him to color different shapes based on the answer of each math equation. For example, it asked him to color all the shapes with the number 2 blue, color all the shapes with number 10 yellow, and so on. By the way, he was 12. 

He had completed the math problems; he just didn’t feel like coloring. His complaint was fair, and here I was unwilling to acknowledge that. Instead, I said to him, “I totally get it. You’re right. That would annoy me too if I had to spend all this time coloring. Also, I know you’re tired, and when I feel tired the last thing I want to do is dive into more work.” 

The minute I agreed with him and told him I understood what he was feeling, he stopped complaining. He felt heard. There was no gain for him to keep fighting me.  

Once I agreed with him, I offered him a plan with an incentive. “Whether we agree with the assignment or not, it seems like in order for you to get credit for doing the work, you need to complete the coloring. Let’s do this, I’ll set a timer. It shouldn’t take you longer than 20 minutes to color this thing. Once you’re done, I will give you 15 extra minutes on your Xbox tonight.” 

It’s OK to give incentives here. When you are trying to establish a new behavior, your children may need some additional motivation at first.  

The minute I joined his team, and validated the way he felt, the arguing and complaining completely stopped. He knew I was there to hear him out. 

Once you agree that homework is a drag — because it is — you will want to come up with a plan together. For some children, homework may be challenging because it’s hard. You want to figure out why they’re avoiding it. It will help inform the way you move forward with your plan. 

For example, if math is challenging, tell your child you will do the first two problems with him. Then explain to him that you have to tend to something else and let him work independently on the rest. Don’t say you’re walking away so he can do it alone — you have to seem like you’re busy with something else, but that he’s got this. This will force him to work through some of the challenges independently. 

Here is how I was able to use PARR with my son when he complained about doing his homework (pause, acknowledge, respond, reflect).

He begins to complain about homework. 

I pause. I sense myself getting agitated. I can see that I’m about to respond automatically — stop complaining and get your homework done . Personally, I know I have to pause because I can physically sense that I’m agitated. My body tenses, my breathing quickens, my jaw tightens, etc. This physical response cues me to pause and breathe. 

I acknowledge that I feel triggered and bothered. Remember in this step I’m recognizing that I’m about to react from a triggered place, nothing else. I stop my automatic reaction.

I respond. Instead of the usual script that I had been using night after night, I decide to walk over and take a look at his homework while fully listening to his complaint. Not in a judgmental and annoyed way, but from an honest desire to understand his point of view. I wanted to make sure he knew I was listening. Once my response shifted and I was no longer responding from a triggered place, I was present. When this happens the solution or answer is much easier to identify. In this case, it was clear he needed an ally, and I was that for him. Also, we had to come up with a plan to decide how he was going to complete his homework. 

For every child and situation this plan will look different. Tune in to what your child needs. 

I reflect . Why does it bother me so much that he hates doing his homework? What personal fear is being exposed in this moment? If my child does not do his homework, he’ll become irresponsible. School will be difficult, and he will always struggle. We have years of schooling left. Is this what homework will always feel like? What if he doesn’t succeed in school? What does that say about me? Why can’t he just do the homework as he’s told? 

What I also realized is that we live in a culture where conformity is revered. Nothing illustrates this more than our schools. The minute children make choices that do not align with their expectations, they’re deemed a problem. My true fear was: What happens to the kids that don’t conform? This is a bigger reflection that requires a lot more work. But at the end of the day, this one parenting moment helped me tap into to something much bigger, both in me and culturally. 

By using PARR I could clearly see what my son needed and reflect on my own underlying insecurities. Take these opportunities and dig deep. You’ll be surprised to see what you’re holding onto.

Hi, I'm Albiona!

I have over 20 years of experience working with children and families, first as an early childhood educator and currently as a pediatric speech and language pathologist. I’m also a mom of two amazing humans, a writer, and life long learner. My hope is to help parents reframe the way they interpret their child’s behavior while reflecting on their parenting journey.

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Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

• Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help.  Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring. 
• Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain.  In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information.  Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
• Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has.  Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too.  He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.  
• Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.  
• Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).  
• Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life.  Along with this comes getting good grades.  All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
• instructions are unclear
• neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
• the assignments are often too hard or too easy
• the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
• you can't provide needed supplies or materials 
• you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
• your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
• your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them
• Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
• What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
• Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
• Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
• Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
• Does your answer make sense to you? 
• Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
• Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment? 
• How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

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What to Do When Your Child Hates Homework

It’s not uncommon to have a child who hates homework. No child out there enjoys doing homework they get from school. Many children just get it done and move on with their other activities, but some children really struggle to get their homework done.

Homework phobia is real condition and does affect a large number of children. They have fear and anxiety about doing their homework, and parents do not know where to turn for help.

Why a Child May Not do Their Homework

Some children do not want to do the assignments because they do not understand the material. They may be having trouble keeping up with the rest of the class and do not want anyone to know they are falling behind. The child may be embarrassed and feel that someone is going to think they are stupid if they do not understand the information. This can lead to fear and anxiety about completing assignments independently without the guidance of a teacher.  A parent may think the child is lazy when they really do not understand what is being taught to them.

Is There a Learning Disability?

If the child is resisting doing their homework, they may have an undiagnosed learning disability. A child who is dyslexic or has a specific learning disability may not want to do work on their own. They may be having trouble and will not tell anyone the extent of their difficulties. Children with ADD or ADHD may also have trouble staying focused long enough to get their homework completed.

The best thing to do, in this case, is speak to the teacher and see if any of these behaviors are happening in school. If so, the child may benefit from diagnostic testing for special education services to help them learn and provided accommodations to help them with their schoolwork.

How Parents Can Help?

There are some things that a parent can do to help their child increase their homework completion and reduce the amount of anxiety they have about completing homework assignments. The parent should sit down and look over the homework assignment with the children. They can look up on the internet different ways to explain the information that is being covered. They can also ask the teacher for assistance is going over the information in a new way.

If the student is still struggling with the homework assignments, look for a tutor or some kind of peer help group that may be offered through the school. The child may be able to get additional assistance with homework by these means.

Set Up a Structured Place for Homework

Children need structure, and they need to know what is expected of them. While they are never going to admit to this, children need rules and expectations. When the child or the parent gets home the first thing they should do is ask the child if they have homework. They can also look through the folders and the backpack.

Many schools have online systems that allow parents to check grades and homework assignments. This will help with older children that may not be truthful all the time when it comes to homework. The parents should expect that the homework assignments are done before any friends are over or anything fun is done. They should be a quiet space for the child to complete the homework that is free of distractions. There should not be a television on. If homework is done consistently at the same time each day, the child will learn that it is part of their routine and become less resistant to completing these assignments.

Yelling and screaming at the child to get their homework done is not going to help the problem or help them learn. Try to explain to the child why homework is important and how not doing homework can have a negative effect on their grades and learning. Explain the consequences of not completing work, both in school and at home. Offer to help the child with any questions they may have regarding the assignment.

Acknowledging their stress and anxiety will help the child deal with their fear and hopefully with the help of their parents find ways to overcome this fear and anxiety.

Ella James is pursuing Health Services Administration degree from St. Petersburg College. She also enjoys reading articles related to Health, Fitness, and Technology. She specializes in writing articles about Pregnancy, Parenting, Health, and Beauty Skin Care , to be precise she loves to share her years of experience in Women’s health category. She is contributing to Consumer Health Digest since 2013. Connect with her on Facebook and Twitter .

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How Can You Help a Child that HATES Homework?

Wondering how to help a child that hates homework? Check out a list of homework time tips from a Special Education teacher (and mom of a homework hater!) in this list of homework strategies. 

So your kid hates homework? Mine too. My daughter fights me about it almost every day. As a teacher, it’s bizarre to me. And a little embarassing. And, if I’m being honest, infuriating (for both of us).

But you know what? We still get it done every single day . Whether we want to or not.

It takes a little creativity, and a lot of energy, but there are ways to take the battle out of homework time. If you find yourself looking for a way to help a child that hates homework, here are some strategies you can try.

This post contains affiliate links. You can read more details at our legal page . Thanks for supporting The Salty Mamas!

Break the time up.

Sometimes, little bodies just aren’t meant to sit still for so long. Consider building in breaks to your homework routine. Maybe they complete spelling, then take a snack break before starting in on math. 

While we want to get homework over with quickly, this might not work best for your child. Experiment until you find the length of time they seem able to attend to a task, and then go from there.

Take it Outside

There’s no hard and fast rule that you need to do homework at a desk or the kitchen table. Sure, routines are great- but sometimes they are the very thing getting in your way.

So if your child is fussing about their homework, why not take the homework outside ? Give them the option to complete it at the picnic table in the backyard, or even head to the park and do it. That playground will offer a great incentive to stop stalling and start working – especially if you tell them they can play when the homework is done.

Change Up Preferred and Non-Preferred Assignments

Allow your child to choose what assignment they’ll do first. I know it makes sense to us to get the hard one out of the way, but your child may feel differently. Putting them in the driver’s seat can take away some of the battle.

You can also break the homework into chunks and let them take turns completing something they like (like drawing) and something they don’t (writing).  Kids get fatigued with tasks over time, and it’s nice to change it up when this happens.

Bribery gets a bad rap in the parenting world, but I am here to tell you- a little bribery is fine . I’m not saying to use this one every day, but on a bad day? Break out the gummies and quarters- this assignment is getting DONE.

Sometimes I’ll give my daughter a sticker after each section she completes. Others, I’ll pay her a quarter when the whole thing is finished. And on one particularly bad day that I remember, I literally fed her a goldfish for each letter she wrote. The bottom line is that reinforcements WORK . Don’t be afraid to use them.

“ But Jaymi, won’t my kid expect a reward every time they do something?” Well, I don’t know. You know your kid better than I do , so you need to plan for YOUR child. For Lila, some days we need reinforcements, but most days we don’t.

The trick is to keep it sporadic , and to treat it as a special occurrence. Sometimes you can tell homework is going to be a battle before you even start- and THOSE are the best days to use this.

You also don’t want to connect the reinforcement with bad behavior.  You can’t reward a full tantrum with the promise of a quarter. My daughter hasn’t yet connected the reinforcement to her hesitance to do homework (read: “If I act naughty, she’ll bust out the crackers.”). If/when this happens, we’ll be done with bribery. But until then, occasional rewards for work are ok with this teacher-mom.

Use Different Materials

We routinely complete my daughter’s homework with crayons, or even mom’s “fancy pens.” As long as your teacher doesn’t have a policy against it, changing up the writing instrument can make a big difference in your child’s willingness to work.

The same goes for other tasks, as well. Maybe instead of drawing out pictures for their math work, they could use stickers instead . You can ask your child’s teacher if this is a problem, but frankly, I never do. It’s not a huge deal, and your child’s teacher is unlikely to make it one.

Challenge Them

My daughter hates drawing. Like, HATES. So whenever a dreaded drawing assignment comes up (and this is kindergarten, folks- it comes up a LOT), we draw together . I draw a body on my paper. She draws one on hers. I draw two eyes. She draws two eyes. And so on.

This strategy works in two ways. First, it helps structure a task that your child perceives as being “too hard.” Second, if your child is competitive, they might get a kick out of trying to make their picture better than yours , or by trying to get more math problems right.

Work Alongside Them

Once in a while, I’ll hear that “it’s not fair” that my daughter has homework when no one else does.  When this happens, I remind her that we all have work . Often, I’ll even break out a task of my own and work on it while she’s getting hers done. It’s a good reminder that we all have things we need to do, and this is hers.

On other days, I’ll duplicate my daughter’s homework (either by doing the same thing or actually making a physical copy) and I’ll “race” her to get it done .  This works especially well on things that are meant to be completed quickly (think spelling words, timed reading or timed math practice).

It adds a little extra fun to an otherwise boring assignment, and we knock it out quickly.

Need More Help for a Child That Hates Homework?

If you’ve tried everything and your kid is still struggling to complete the homework, it might be time to talk to the teacher . I recommend sending them a nice note requesting a quick meeting. Keep the tone light and blame-free, and focus on working together to solve the problem.

There are several ways that homework can be modified for kids who are struggling .  Ask the teacher if they would be willing to accommodate your child’s need by adjust the quantity, time, or format of the work. Let your teacher know the specific tasks your child is struggling with, and ask (politely but firmly) how the teacher can accommodate for your child’s needs.

Be specific here. Saying the homework is “too long” or “too hard” is not going to help you much. It’s likely to make it look a lot more like you think your kid is a “special snowflake” instead of someone with an actual struggle in need of help.

Providing concrete examples and data is crucial to getting a teacher on board with modifying assignments. Saying that your child really struggles with assignments longer than seven questions, that homework takes them an average of 90 minutes per night, or that they struggle with the written portion of spelling practice can go a long way to showing your child’s teacher what needs to be done to solve the problem.

While the rest of the class might do ten math problems on a given night, perhaps your child can do five instead.  Ask your teacher if your child can complete even or odd numbers , or if they’re willing to reduce the spelling work from writing five times each to three times each. 

Find a way to reduce the amount of homework they are doing without reducing the skills being practiced.

This suggestion is similar to quantity, but sometimes teachers find it more agreeable. Instead of reducing the amount of work a child does, you can ask that they be given more time to work on it . If most kids turn in the homework on Friday, ask that your child be allowed to turn it in on Monday instead.

That will give you extra time to work on it, without asking for a  reduction in workload.

Think outside of the box on this one, and see if you can get your child’s teacher to do the same.  Ask if they would be okay with your daughter practicing her spelling words out loud instead of writing them out. See if you can let them dictate responses to questions while you type them out.  Ask if your child can give a book report in front of the class instead of writing it all down.

The response you get from your child’s teacher is likely going to depend on how far you stray from the assignment’s purpose. So if they’re going to be receiving a writing grade, the teacher is probably not going to be okay with your child  not writing that paper. But if the point is to learn how to spell words, the way they learn it might not matter too much.

Skipping Assignments:

Only ask for this one if your kid is REALLY on the struggle bus with homework. But say your kid is a genius when it comes to spelling, and has more difficulty with math. Ask the teacher if your child might be allowed to skip the spelling homework for a few weeks while you try to get the math challenges under control.

It’s a hail mary, but think how much easier your life would be with a little less on your plate. And you’ll never know what’s possible unless you ask. Why not give it a try?

And if they say yes, thank them profusely and then head straight to Starbucks so their next coffee is on you. That is a high quality teacher right there, and you want them to know that their understanding is appreciated.

It isn’t always easy (and it’s DEFINITELY not always fun), but with a few routines and few tricks up your sleeve, helping a child that hates homework can be a LOT easier than it is now.

What worked for your kiddo? We’d love to hear your tips and tricks in the comments!

Looking for more learning-based help? Head here next-

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5 thoughts on “How Can You Help a Child that HATES Homework?”

I feel like this is going to be me one day! I mean…I can’t even get him to look at a darn book.

Fingers crossed he loves it!

He hates everything lol

Avid homework hater here! These tips are awesome…even for me haha! I do all of these things for myself . I hate meal prep because its lonely, so I arrange a bunch of girls to come over and we prep for the week. I schedule little treats (massages usually) for accomplishing hard tasks, and with my most hated of responsibilities, I usually find a new tool is in order. Awesome advice for all kinds of homework!

Oooh, excellent point. Totally setting a timer next time I have to do the dishes ?

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Psychology Explains 5 Reasons Why Kids Hate Doing Homework

Having kids is a full-time job; each period of their life has different struggles. When they are babies, they take up all your time and energy. Then, as they grow up, they become more independent. Because of that, things should become easier in time, right? But all parents know that’s not the case. So, as the children mature, they may develop an aversion to extra schoolwork.

They start having trouble with friends or even dealing with little crushes. But one of the most challenging aspects of a kid’s life is managing school work. In the first few years, it’s fun and easy. Kids can draw, read entertaining stories, learn the basics and make friends. But then, the dreaded homework comes into their lives.  

Even you dreaded having to do the extra work the day you went to school. And your kids hate it just as much, if not more, because of the added pressure on them. If you don’t believe this to be a fact, you should look at all the psychological data supporting it. So, here are five psychological reasons why kids hate doing homework.  

5 Reasons Why Kids Hate Doing Homework

1 – they are already tired and don’t want more schoolwork.

Contrary to popular belief, school work shouldn’t be a full-time job. But society still treats it as such. As a result, all students, especially high school students, are busy with schoolwork for at least thirty hours a week. And that’s on the lower end. In the first few years of school, kids have four to five classes daily, often followed by after school.

They start taking six to seven classes daily, extracurricular activities, and homework as they grow older. Hardworking students can study for up to 70 or 80 hours a week. This is crazy when you think that a high paying nine to five job only takes up 40 hours of someone’s week. And they are adults who work to earn money, not just little kids.

Even adults experience this. When they get home from work, they don’t want to hear anything about work for the rest of the day. So, why are we so surprised when kids don’t want to deal with any extra work after a  full day ? It’s insane to think that kids have to spend as much time as a full-time job (or more) to keep up with school. They are young and should have the time to be kids and live their lives.

As a parent, you need to ensure they don’t work themselves to exhaustion. Help them with homework when they are too busy and allow them to relax after school.  

2 – Making Time to Do Their Homework Is Hard

As a kid, you don’t still have enough life experience to know how to be organized. When people start throwing more and more work at a kid, they’ll likely collapse under pressure. Even if your kid is academically inclined, it still doesn’t mean it’s easy for them to juggle doing everything. They might have even liked doing homework at some point when it was easy and short. But, as kids grow up, they will inevitably start hating homework.

3 – Homework Can Be Very Boring

Let’s face it; many kids find homework useless and boring. And, in many cases, it can be. Maybe your kid is sure they want to work in a science field, like medicine. But, then, what’s the point of them writing a five-page history essay? Sure, you could argue that it’s for their general knowledge. But that’s not a strong argument, especially when you think they could be doing better things with their time.

But they will after having to spend ten hours working on a project about it. Sometimes, too much homework can make kids hate a subject they used to love. For example, they could be fascinated by how the universe works but still refuse to do their physics homework. If that’s the case, you, as a parent, should consider that they find their schoolwork  boring . In that case, please make an effort to make it interesting for them. Or at least give them rewards for doing that tedious work. 

4 – Homework Doesn’t Usually Incentivise Creativity

A kid who is a great painter might hate doing science homework. But that doesn’t happen to everyone. But what is more common is kids feeling like they can’t be  creative . Teachers think that good homework follows all the rules. But that means that kids who do things their way will never earn a reward. Worse, they might feel shame about going off the beaten path. For example, if they were asked to do an essay and did a beautiful video presentation, they would get an F.

5 – Homework Isn’t Actually About Learning

Homework should be a way for kids to understand concepts they learned in class. If a kid struggles to do homework, the teachers should take the time to help them. Not knowing how to do their schoolwork shows that the kids are struggling and need extra help. Instead, homework is just a significant source of anxiety for most kids.

Homework is often just a way for some teachers to assign extra grades instead of being a learning tool.  As a parent, don’t be surprised if your kids hate doing it. Remember that they are probably just scared of messing up. Instead, it would help if you took some time to help them overcome what they’re struggling with.  

Final Thoughts on Some Reasons Why Kids Hate Doing Homework

There are many psychological reasons why kids hate doing homework. The most common one is that they are already tired after going to school for the day. So, the extra work is nothing but a burden that might not even help them. Not only that but doing it means sacrificing other activities. And, to be honest, homework can be very dull. Kids would much rather do something more interesting, like investing time in their hobbies.

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5 Tips to Help When Your Child Hates Homework and it Takes Too Long

I may not have a popular opinion on homework. But I’m an expert in the field who strongly believes

1- There’s too much homework.

2- It’s not always serving a good purpose.

I don’t think it’s any surprise that the Texas teacher’s “No Homework” letter  went viral. It becomes a hot topic because people feel passionately about it on both sides.

I believe students would perform the same- if not better – without additional worksheets or writing definitions a fter a school day.

While this may not be the most popular opinion, I have yet to find current research that proves otherwise, especially for younger students.  

A Stanford University researcher did a study on the effects of too much homework and concluded that it led to higher stress, health issues and less time for extracurricular interests. 

However…

I do believe homework is purposeful for:

• reading (a book of choice)
• exploration of a topic of interest
• review for tests
• making up missed assignments

When homework is purposeful, it helps reinforce learning and develops good study habits.  

Regardless of how you or I feel about homework, it’s important to support a teacher and his or her policies. As parents, we all want our children to have a great school experience and be successful. If we feel that homework is hurting and hot helping our children, then we should have an open conversation about it to work towards a reasonable solution.

So what can you do when your child hates homework and it takes too long? 

While I don’t have a perfect “one size fits all” solution, I can offer these 5 top tips to help when your child hates homework and it takes too long.  

1. When it’s taking too long, reach out to the teacher… asap. 

How long is too long?  

While every assignment is different and kids work at different paces, you can generally compare the amount of time it should take to their grade level/age as a rule of thumb, such as:

• Kindergarten/1st grade- 10 minutes
• 2nd grade- 20 minutes
• 3rd grade- 30 minutes
• 4th grade- 40 minutes 
• 5th grade- 50 minutes 

and so forth.  

Some kids work at a slower/faster pace so this is just a guide, but if you have a 3rd grade child who is taking 2 hours or longer each evening to do homework, that’s way too long . That’s going to quickly cause burn out for you and your child.  

Don’t wait. Talk to the teacher.  

Ask the teacher about how long, on average, the daily homework assignments should take.  

If you and the teacher agree that the assignments are taking longer than they should, then come up with some solutions together.  

If you can pinpoint that it’s a certain assignment or subject, ask for an alternative.  

Ask if an assignment can be shorter or done in a different way for your child’s unique learning needs (for example, the choice to type responses instead of writing them.) 

It’s important to talk to the teacher to see if your child also needs more than the average time in the classroom.

These conversations could lead to discovering another underlying issue, such as attention deficit disorder , or a specific learning disability such as dysgraphia or dyslexia.  

If you think this might be a possibility, the website  Understood.org  is a great starting place for more information and resources. 

If your child already has a diagnosed medical condition that impairs their ways of learning (sensory disorder, ADHD, migraines, etc) there are state and federal laws that can help when it comes to flexibility with school and homework assignments.  

The article below, from Understood.org , gives an overview of one of the federal laws called the 504 plan.  

https://www.understood.org/articles/en/the-difference-between-ieps-and-504-plans

2.  Stay positive and encouraging when it comes to time to do homework. 

Find the most motivating things you can come up with when it comes time to get homework done.

Even if it’s cheesy and your teenager is not buying it, positive words of encouragement are going to put them in a better frame of mind.

Think of the boss who gives the same assignment to two different groups of her team members. She tells one group “I know this will be hard but we’re prepared and we can do it.” To the other group she says “ Corporate just sent another thing we have to do as if we don’t have enough already. ”  

Even if they both need to get the same results, one is clearly a more motivating way to approach the assignment! 

Our words can have a drastic impact on our kids’ mindset! 

I’ve stated above that I’m not a fan of homework, but I don’t make this known in front of my five year old ( who, yes, has homework already! ) When it comes time to do his assignments I try my best to stay positive… and a lot of #3. 

3.   Get creative and negotiate to get it done.  

One of our son’s ongoing weekly assignments is to review the sight words they are learning in class.   Instead of using flash cards or pulling them out every night for review, we simply write them on the bathtub that week with a dry erase marker.  

I’ll make up silly sentences or try to turn it into a game.  

You could try using a timer and giving an incentive to play a game/iPad/computer after homework is done with older kids.  

Kids will usually negotiate and ask if they can have more time if they get it done sooner. My response to that would be… as long as it’s complete and neat, go for it! 

Some kids (ages 6-12) work better when you set an incentive together and monitor it with check marks or stickers until they meet their goals. 

4.  Set up a homework environment that works best for your child’s personality.  

I’m going to go against the advice you’ve probably always heard here to set up a quiet, distraction-free place for your child to do his or her homework.  

That is perfectly fine if that’s where and how your child learns best.  

If your teenager is more productive when attached to ear buds… go with it! 

Some kids (and adults too) do their best work with noise in the background. 

Your child may do his or her best work outside on the patio table. 

Adapt the environment to one that works best for your child’s personality… whatever works!   

5.  Establish homework routines.  

Establish some consistent routines when it comes to homework such as:

• Where to find homework supplies
• Times that will/will not work with your family’s schedule
• Putting completed homework where it goes in the backpack/folder

Homework supplies can easily be kept in a small plastic bin for quick access and time saved instead of looking for what is needed. 

 A few routines in place will make it easier to reduce homework frustration and make it more manageable.  

Please share any tips you’ve found to help when your child hates homework and it takes too long!

We’re always looking for ways to make life easier and getting homework done quickly- with no tears or complaints- is definitely going to make life more enjoyable  🙂 

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My Child Hates Homework! What to do…

When the kids get home from school, the last thing on their minds is more schoolwork . However, most teachers assign homework in order to reinforce what they’ve learned in the classroom and to perfect their skills. If your child actually looks forward to doing their homework, you are one lucky parent! For the majority though, it’s a chore to get your child to do their homework when they’d rather be playing with friends or vegging out in front of the TV. If your child hates homework, you are not alone, but there are ways to get him to get it done with a smile. Here are some tips to make homework time happy time.

Offer a Snack

Most kids come home from school with a grumbly tummy, so make snack and homework time a simultaneous activity. Prepare a tasty snack that’s easy to pop in the mouth like frozen grapes, mini cookies or crackers, or trail mix. Make sure it’s nothing that can drip onto his papers creating a sticky mess. While noshing, your child will better concentrate on his work and will be more willing to stick with the homework through completion. He won’t be distracted by hunger pangs, and once the snack and work are completed, he can go out and play or relax in his room.

Do it With Him

If you sit with your child as he does his work, he may feel more confident and comforted that he can get it done. Allow him to show you his work as he completes each task, and offer help when he’s in a bind. Even if you sit nearby and read a book or work on your own project, he will feel a sense of togetherness and partnership. Sitting alone doing work can seem boring, so your presence will get him through it. Do this right after school so it’s not a struggle to get him back into school mode to sit and do the homework.

Give Him a Break

Alternatively, some kids fare better when they can have a short time to blow off some steam and play for a half hour before diving into their homework. Set a timer and once that buzzer goes off, it’s homework time. He will feel more relaxed and ready to get back to work once he’s had a little fun. Have a cold drink ready and lay out his books so everything’s ready to go. Once he’s done, he can get back to playing or relaxing. The short break will be appreciated and give him a newfound burst of energy to finish his day’s work.

Does your kid hate homework? How do you get him or her to get it done without a battle? We’d love to share your tips with the AMC community.

For more information like this, please visit All My Children Daycare’s blogs .

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FindYourMomTribe » Parenting

20 Things to Try if Your Kid Hates Homeschooling

By Author Ivana Davies

Posted on Last updated: August 26, 2021

“But I don’t wanna do homeschool!”

Yep. I feel you, mama. I’ve heard it more times than I can count. I know what it’s like to have a child push back when it’s time to get to work.

If you’re reading this article, you might have:

• A reluctant learner
• A child who hates doing homework
• A child who hates homeschooling

Or, a child who refuses to do their school work

We started homeschooling four years ago with my daughter when she was in kindergarten.

My oldest daughter is a very “go with the flow” type of kid. She loves learning and has no problem (for the most part) sitting down to do her assignments.

This year, we started homeschooling my son. He just turned six and he also loves learning…but…he dreaded doing homeschool.

I’ve had to get really creative to help motivate him to happily complete his assignments.

Now he’s thriving and has learned SO much more. While we do have our tears some days, most of the time homeschool is no longer a battle.

So I’m spilling my secrets and giving you…

20 ideas for how to help your child who hates homeschooling

1. use a rewards system.

• Includes (36) charts and (700) stickers per pack
• These Eureka student reward charts and stickers feature all your pup pals from 101 Dalmatians!
• Teachers can track their students progress in a way thats easy and fun for them to understand!
• Children can set goals and take responsibility in a fun way.

Prices pulled from the Amazon Product Advertising API on:

Product prices and availability are accurate as of the date/time indicated and are subject to change. Any price and availability information displayed on [relevant Amazon Site(s), as applicable] at the time of purchase will apply to the purchase of this product.

I know rewards can be a controversial subject, but for us, it works.

We have a sticker chart hanging on the wall.

For every day that my son completes his work happily, he gets a sticker that he can exchange for small prizes.

2. Incorporate toys

• 3 packs of themed Disney/Pixar Cars 3 micro mini metal vehicles
• Includes an exclusive car
• Iconic details and wheels that roll for authentic action
• The full assortment makes a unique collection and dynamic display
• Collect them all! Each 3-pack sold separately, subject to availability

What’s your child’s favorite toy? My son loves Cars 3 right now.

So, Lightning McQueen, Mater, Jackson Storm, and a bunch of other characters often drop by to “watch” him do his homeschool work.

We also use cars to do simple math problems in the place of counting bears.

3. Incorporate food

I’ll often say to my son, “Are you hungry? Let’s have a snack together before we start!”

He loves food, so he’s always up for a snack! We also use cereal to solve math problems!

4. Practice writing on things other than paper

• Big magnetic drawing screen
• Easy-slide eraser magically cleans screen
• Includes 4 shape stampers - square, triangle, circle and star
• Pen and stampers store securely on the Doodle Pro Slim
• Durable frame with easy-carry handle

My son doesn’t love working on his handwriting in a workbook or on lined paper.

But, he does love writing and drawing on a dry erase board and on a Magna Doodle!

You can also practice writing words and letters in shaving cream or in a tray of sprinkles!

5. Easy, Hard, Easy

Initially, I thought it’d be best to do the hard stuff first to get it out of the way. However, that isn’t always the best for every child.

Starting with a “fun” subject can get them warmed up and ready to work on more challenging subjects.

Ending with another “fun” subject gives them something to look forward to.

Every child has subjects they like and subjects they dislike. My son loves math and science. So, we typically start with math and end with science.

6. YouTube is your friend!

Almost every kid I know l-o-v-e-s YouTube. Whenever something is particularly challenging for one of my kids, I scour YouTube for a fun video on the topic.

YouTube can also be an excellent motivator.

For example, I’ll say to my son, “After we’ve finished all our assignments, we can watch a YouTube video about scorpions.”

(He loves animals and we often watch short video clips about various animals! That counts as science, right?!)

7. Have a set routine

I know life gets busy, but kids really thrive on routines.

Try to start your homeschool or homework at the same time each day.

This will help manage their expectations and create consistency.

8. Break it up

Little kids aren’t able to sit still and focus for long periods of time.

Sometimes it may be helpful to do some work in the morning, some after lunch, and some in the evening.

Breaking up the day is definitely worth a try!

9. Write with something other than a pencil

• Not intended for use on school chalkboards
• White Chalk Sticks are made to be used on childrens chalkboards.
• This Set Includes * Crayola White Chalk 12 Pack * Crayola Color Chalk 12 Pack

Does your child resist writing?

Try letting them write with ink pens, markers, colored pencils, painting with a paintbrush, or using chalk.

Variety is key!

10. No long breaks

Honestly, I go back and forth on this one.

On one hand, I feel like we all need a break sometimes.

But on the other hand, whenever my kids have a long break, (Christmas, Easter, summer, etc.) it is SO hard for them to get back in the groove.

Right now we are experimenting with taking no more than 1-2 days off at a time.

11. Pick 3 things

Don’t try to do every single subject in one day.

For reluctant learners, choose three or four things that are really important to you. Focus on doing those things well and getting those accomplished.

Anything else is a bonus!

Right now, we are focusing on math, handwriting, and reading. I

f we get nothing else accomplished in the school day, I can be happy that we completed those three things.

12. Get up and move

• Perfect trampoline for toddlers to burn off energy
• Features large jumping surface and handle bar for stability
• Plastic and metal combination
• Trampoline is for indoor use only. Age- 3 to 6 years. Ground to top of handle bar- 34.00 inch H. Jumping surface to top of handle bar- 26.25 inch H

When my son starts getting antsy or begins whining, I know it’s time to get up and move.

We like doing jumping jacks together or playing a quick game of freeze tag before we get back to work!

(Bonus! I just worked off all those calories from cereal math, haha!)

13. Don’t call it “work” or “school”

Speaking of work, I try to avoid using the words “school work” and “homework”.

What kid likes work? Instead, use words like “lessons” or “learning” to avoid triggering a protest.

14. Switch your curriculum

• Created specifically for Grade 1 writing
• Used by Special Needs Therapist to help children learn to write neatly and legibly
• From the award winning Abilitations line of Special Needs Toys and Resources
• Easy to learn steps for printing

Don’t feel like you MUST complete a curriculum if it just isn’t working for you.

I know, you spent a ton of money on it. I know your friends love it. But, honestly, if it isn’t working, it may be time to try something new.

We tried THREE different reading curriculums this year before we found one we really liked.

15. Play a game

• Besides playing games, another use of dominoes is the domino show, which involves standing them on end in long lines so that when the first tile is toppled, it topples the second, which topples the third, etc., resulting in all of the tiles falling
• Domino sets are made of synthetic materials, ABS and other phenolics resins，many sets approximate the look and feel of ivory.Tin box packaging, 28 dominoes double 6 color Dot

Whenever you can, make up a silly game to go along with your lesson.

My kids LOVE games.

One simple thing we do is play hide-and-go-seek with our sight words.

I hide sight word flash cards all over the room and my son has to find them and tell me what they say. So fun!

You can also play educational games like Don’t Wake Daddy, Uno, or Dominos.

16. Hands-on

Most kids learn by doing! Earlier this year, we learned about volume.

My son was so stumped with this particular math problem involving apples and apple juice.

So, I pulled out my dusty ‘ole juicier and we juiced apples to figure out the answer. He was SO excited to do this and he still talks about that learning experience!

17. Joke around

Laughter is my son’s love language.

I often tell him silly jokes to break any tension that creeps up. We love to laugh together!

(Wanna hear my favorite joke for kids?! Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman? A: <Sniff, sniff> It smells like carrots! Hahaha).

18. Go outside

On days when the weather is nice, we like to sit outside to do our lessons.

A change of scenery is so fun! (I loved it when our professors let us do this in college!)

19. Make your homeschool space inviting

• 24 Different Laminated Learning Posters: Including shapes, time, numbers 1-10, numbers 1-100, transportation, construction zone, dinosaur, ball game, alphabet, fruits, vegetables, farm, emotions, the five senses, my body, good manners, wild animals, weather, months of the year, days of the week, seasons, colors, opposites and solar system.
• Features: Each poster is 12 x 16.5 inch, made of 300g coated paper, each side covered with PET film for added extra durability, waterproof and tear-resistant. Each poster comes with 4 glue dots, allowing you to use them more conveniently.

Before we started school this year, I went to the dollar tree and grabbed a bunch of colorful posters, charts, and decorations.

I surprised the kids by making our entryway into a cute homeschool area.

My son said, “I thought school was gonna be boring, but now I changed my mind! It actually looks fun!” #winning

20. Connect with your child emotionally

I don’t know about you, but I am always tempted to multi-task while homeschooling.

I check my phone, I get up to put dishes away, I fold socks… I’m a chronic multi-tasker.

But I’ve noticed that when I take the time to put away my phone and all the other responsibilities, focusing solely on my son, he is much more motivated.

When I take the time to look into his eyes, ruffle his hair, be truly interested in what he’s saying and connect with him on an emotional level, the power struggles dissolve.

Don’t forget to affirm your child, too. “I see how hard you’re working!”

READ NEXT: Must-Have Supplies for Homeschooling Preschool

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My Child Hates Homework!

• September 28, 2010
• All , School

My daughter has a hard time to stay on task with homework. Yet when she reads a book, she can not get away from the book. We are trying to praise her more often. What other suggestion(s) do you have to help her with staying on task to do homework? I was reading your book and came across the mention of Oliver DeMille mention of Depth Phase. How can I find the article for the speech on the depth phase from 2006 speech at annual Thomas Jefferson forum? He talked about eight types of missions. Reader, Many people have this same problem with their youth too. Great job on praising the good things. That is important for teaching cause and effect. There are multiple things to consider while analyzing this situation. First, does your daughter get overwhelmed easily? If so, could she have more work than she knows how to accomplish on her own? Many children need to learn how to eat the elephant one bite at a time . The best way to help them learn this skill is to show them how to do it. This requires more time from the parent initially, but after a while will make a great, independent student. Don’t be afraid to ask if you can do the school work with your student. I know there is an old taboo about doing that, but it’s really just a myth. There is no rule that says a child has to sit and struggle at something alone to learn. Make the learning time enjoyable by discussing the material and learning it together, and you will create a lasting memory and a good student. Second, does your child hate learning? If so, then you need to get more involved and start learning deeper things together that are not in the textbook. The fact that your child wants to escape in a book suggests to me that she thinks escaping from thinking is fun. So, I would probably start reading books to her, and discussing with her. No person is too old to be read to. I love it when my husband and children read to me. My 14 year old son loves to get read to as well. Today we read Plato’s Apology together and had a fantastic discussion. I don’t know how old your daughter is, so here are a few book ideas which could work for different age groups. Ages 6 – 12 The Trumpet of the Swan (Math book) Snow Treasure Mathematicians Are People Too The Little Maid Series Ages 11-18 Do Hard Things Red Scarf Girl Alas Babylon Lonesome Gods All of the books listed above are great! Alas Babylon could have a few sware words, so watch for those, but the content and discussion is fantastic. A must read for teens is Do Hard Things. If you could only pick one, pick that one, it’s written by teens for teens, and it is incredible. We do leadership education at our house, and this book is all about inspiring youth to become the leaders they are supposed to be. Speaking of leadership education, you asked about Oliver DeMille, because I mentioned him in my book. He is the leadership education guru. If you go to his site, you will find the presentation you are referring to for free download. It is great! Back to the first question: The third thing to consider is does your child know how to follow instructions? And, does she know that doing homework is an instruction? If you have taught her the steps to following instructions, then you can just pre-teach her before you tell her to do her homework. “Sarah, I am going to give you an isntruction. I need you to do your homework now. Okay?” If she has a hard time staying on task, she might need a time limit attached to it. So you would say, “Sarah, I am going to give you an instruction. You need to do homework for 30 minutes and then check back with me. Okay?” After 30 minutes of hard work, she may need a small break and then do another period of time until it is over. Of course older students should be able to put in more time than this. The most important thing you can do, is get involved in studies, and the next most important thing you can do to encourage your child to stay on task is to make sure you teach them the four basic skills outlined in the book. Happy Studying!

These Will Help

He Hates Homework!

You must give the responsibility of doing homework back to your child. You don't have homework to do, he does. Let him suffer the consequences of failing to turn in work or handing in sloppy work. It should be an issue between him and his teacher. Be sure, however, to explain to his teacher that you have been helping your child with his homework and will no longer be doing so.

Sit down with your son today and set some new rules. Tell him he is now in charge of doing his work and you will no longer be issuing homework reminders or supervising his work. At the same time, point out this responsibility comes with an obligation to do well. If his grades fall, explain you will need to establish a penalty for not doing homework, such as eliminating television viewing or having friends over.

One reason your child may hate homework so much is because you have insisted that he complete it before being able to enjoy more pleasurable activities. Many children need a period of relaxation and playing with friends before tackling homework. When your son is able to set his own time for doing homework, he may not find homework as unpleasant a task.

For some good advice about disengaging from homework battles, we recommend that you read Ending the Homework Hassle by John Rosemond. At the same time, your son could profit from reading How To Do Homework Without Throwing Up by Trevor Romain for some witty insights about homework.

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Powerful Words To Use When Your Child Says 'I Hate You'

Even the most loving children say hurtful words like "I hate you" to their parents. Here's what to say in response.

• Why Kids Say "I Hate You"
• What To Say When Your Child Says "I Hate You"
• Tips for Handling When Your Child Says 'I Hate You'

When To Get Help

Hearing "I hate you" from your own child can feel very deflating and upsetting. If this has happened to you, take heart. Even though your child said it, it doesn't mean they really hate you. Instead, it often signals that they're mad, sad, embarrassed, confused, or upset in some other way. They just don't know how else to talk about those big feelings .

Your child saying they hate you doesn't mean that you're a bad parent—or that they're a bad kid—either, says Andy Brimhall, PhD, LMFT, and professor of human development and family science at East Carolina University. Even the most loving children sometimes say hurtful words like "I hate you" to their parents.

"It can be really hard to hear your child use these words," says Lindsey Polishook Sherer, LCSW-C LICSW. "The most important thing to remember is, they do not mean it in the same way that we as adults might use the word." Read on to learn why your child may say hurtful things to you and how to respond when they say, "I hate you."

franckreporter / Getty Images

Why Kids Say "I Hate You"

There are many different reasons that a child might say "I hate you" to their parent, says child development specialist Siggie Cohen, PhD . But the common thread is your child is communicating that they feel strong emotions and need help learning how to process them effectively.

"'I hate you' has become one of the most obvious ways in which kids project strong, reactive, and painful emotions of anger , frustration, and disappointment, outwardly aiming to 'hurt' their parents with such bold statements in order to cause them that same 'pain' they are feeling inside," explains Dr. Cohen. They are essentially trying to share their strong feelings the only way they know how. "By using the strong word, they are able to communicate the size of the feelings they have," adds Sherer.

One way to think of (and explain) why your child might say "I hate you," is to think of their feelings as water in a tea kettle, says Dr. Brimhall. When the water's too hot, the kettle sings—and is too hot to handle. And it takes time for the water to get back to room temperature. When their water is too hot, explains Dr. Brimhall, they can't think clearly as they are in fight or flight mode. This is why they may reflexively use the hate word to "protect" themselves from their vulnerable feelings.

Really what is at issue is communication and emotional regulation, says Dr. Brimhall. Your child simply needs to learn more productive, thoughtful ways to share their feelings, give themselves breaks, respect boundaries , get their needs met, consider your feelings, and think about what they're saying before they say it.

What To Say When Your Child Says "I Hate You"

Hearing "I hate you" from anyone is hard, especially your own children, but remember that it doesn't mean that you've failed as a parent, says Dr. Brimhall. How you respond is where you can really shine.

"Take a beat before doing or saying anything and try to gauge how emotionally charged you are feeling," recommends Sherer. "It's a perfect opportunity to model how we can stay calm and use coping strategies rather than impulsively reacting to others," she adds.

Aim not to react with your own emotions or be defensive, punitive, guilting, or shaming, suggests Dr. Cohen. "Instead, the main objective is to reflect back to their child the actual underlying emotion they are feeling, using empathy and understanding as well as firm boundary setting."

How you respond when your child says that they hate you will also depend on their age.

While it's less common for toddlers aged 18 months to age 3 to say "I hate you," some do—though it's possible that they may have heard older kids saying it and are simply playing around with repeating the phrase.

When a toddler says, "I hate you" in anger, Dr. Cohen suggests saying something like: "'It sounds like you are very angry. You can’t say 'I hate you,' but you can say, 'I am angry!' You can even say that with a big voice. Go ahead. Say, 'I am so angry/frustrated/disappointed right now!'"

Then, after the child has expressed their emotions, you can say: "I know. I’m sorry. Sometimes, we feel this way.”

Preschoolers

For children aged 3 to 6, you'll want to take a similar approach, but you can get a bit deeper into the emotions behind their words, says Dr. Cohen. Essentially, you want to help them learn to express and cope with their feelings in a positive manner.

Dr. Cohen recommends responding with: "'Whoa, no, you don’t hate me. But yes, I can tell you are very angry right now. Yes, I understand that right now your anger is soooo big, soooo huge that it feels like hate. Still, no saying, 'I hate you.' But go ahead and tell me how angry you are.'"

Some kids will insist they actually do hate you. In these cases, Dr. Cohen advises parents to stay calm and collected. "Know these responses are not about you, but about your child who needs guidance not reprimanding," she says.

Continue the conversation by saying: "'It’s OK to share these kinds of feelings with me. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I hope this feeling goes away soon. Actually, I think this feeling will go away soon. You can let me know when.'”  

Regardless of exactly why your child is saying “I hate you," ultimately they are trying to communicate big feelings with these words. "Showing your child that you see that and want to help is a great first step," says Sherer.

Elementary age

School-age kids, from about 7 to 11, may use "I hate you" as a way to push their parents' buttons and in response to all of the control adults have over their lives, says Dr. Cohen. "Their 'I hate you' can be a general representation of many more things they are 'hating' at this point, so it needs to be addressed more specifically." Examples include needing to do homework, chores , brushing teeth and hair, or getting to school on time.

Dr. Cohen's suggestions on how to respond include:

"No, I’m sorry. You may not speak this way to me. But let’s try to calm down first and then get to the bottom of what is going on. I can tell you are feeling very stressed, angry, overwhelmed. I can imagine a lot is going on and it’s making you feel such strong emotions inside. It’s hard. I know."

Once your child has calmed down, continue with:

"'Hating me or using those words to express your anger is not going to help you fix how you’re feeling. It may make you feel 'good' in the moment of saying it, but not later. You will likely feel regret, feel sorry, feel bad. That doesn’t feel good. So, no saying that. But let’s talk about all the stress you feel…'"

Then, aim to discuss what is at the root of their frustrations. Whether it's having to brush their teeth twice a day, cleaning their room, or wanting to play video games and not having enough time, honor your child's feelings. Then say: "'There is a lot going [on] in your life and I can understand how sometimes you just want nothing to do with any of it, like 'Give me a break!' Right?'"

Don't try to fix anything. Instead, provide emotional support to their feelings and teach them to compartmentalize tasks and emotions. "A shift in mindset and a clearer outlook are usually the best tools to help us all destress and feel supported. It’s not usually the tasks that are difficult, it’s the emotional resistance to do them that piles up and hinders the ability to get through them," says Dr. Cohen.

Middle and high schoolers

For tweens and teens, you can acknowledge that it's normal for older kids to sometimes feel in conflict with their parents, says Dr. Cohen. This is an expected stage of life as your child matures and becomes more independent .

Start with: "No, you don’t hate me. But I know that at times we don’t see eye to eye or it feels I am in your way or that I don’t understand. You’re right, I don’t always understand, but I want to. Sometimes, I am in your way, simply because I am still raising you. It’s OK if you don’t always agree with me. My job is not for us to agree on everything but to hopefully provide you with what you need for a few more years until you’ll take care of yourself all on your own."

Then, explore what it is that they are upset about. Continue with:

"I get that you’re angry but hate is not the way to label that or express that. I want us to be able to discuss our differences and even teach each other things. I also want to hear what you have to say. So, no more saying, 'I hate you,' regardless of how angry, frustrated, or stressed you feel. From now on, you will just tell me about your feelings and I will listen."

"The more parents can try to relate to their child’s point of view and remain calm, in charge, and set clear boundaries, the better they can guide their child out of their emotional chaos," advises Dr. Cohen.

Tips for Handling When Your Child Says 'I Hate You'

• Avoid overreacting. If kids get a big reaction from saying "I hate you," they may be inclined to keep saying it, just to elicit attention. Overreacting or punishing your child for saying it may backfire, encouraging them to say it more rather than less.
• Avoid shaming, ignoring, or saying "I hate you" back. The temptation can be hard to resist in the heat of the moment, but these routes won't resolve the issue.
• Apologize when warranted. If you do slip up and say something you regret in response to your child's hurtful words, that's OK. It happens. Simply, apologize for using hurtful words and explain that your emotions got the better of you. Doing so, models for your child how to take responsibility and make amends, says Dr. Brimhall.
• Validate their feelings while guiding appropriate behavior . Tell your child that it's OK to have these big feelings , but that saying hurtful things is not OK.
• Give them space but stay close. If your child is having trouble calming down, guide them to take a break. Allowing them physical space or silence can help them to process what they are experiencing and figure out what they need, says Sherer. "Holding this space for your child gives you an opportunity to build and strengthen your relationship."
• Use "I wonder" statements. Avoid assuming how they feel, suggests Dr. Brimhall. For example, say, "I wonder if you're angry because you can't have a new toy or stay up for an extra hour." Then, encourage your child to tell you if that's how they feel. Just naming different feelings and possible flashpoints until something resonates can help them understand what's going on.
• Express your love. Make sure to let your child know that you love them, regardless of what they say. "Say, 'I love you, I'm here for you,'" says Dr. Brimhall.
• Accept your child's temperament. "Some kids are naturally more 'feisty' and confrontational, that’s OK," says Dr. Cohen. You're not doing anything wrong and neither are they. "You can’t change your child’s nature, you must guide them to make the most of who they naturally are."

When a child frequently says "I hate you," other issues may be at play that are larger than you can manage on your own. "Any time parents feel they are at a total loss, a pattern becomes chronic or the issues seem too complex to handle on their own they should not hesitate to seek help," suggests Dr. Cohen.

Remember that no parent-child relationship is perfect. Your child occasionally saying "I hate you" is normal and doesn't mean you're a bad parent or that they don't love you. Instead, they're simply struggling with big feelings. You can help by keeping calm and providing coaching on emotional regulation . Learning how to more effectively communicate and understand their feelings is an important life skill.

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My wife isn't 'just' a stepmom to my son. He sees her as his other mom.

• Oops! Something went wrong. Please try again later. More content below

My wife has been in my son's life since he was 6 years old.

She has taken on a parental role, stepping in whenever I need extra help.

Even though she's his stepmom, my son considers her his other mom.

After Vice President Kamala Harris announced she was running for president, one criticism lobbed against her was that she is not a parent because she has never given birth to children. But she is the stepmother to her husband Doug Emhoff 's two children.

Like Harris, my wife is a stepmother to my son.

I am no longer in a relationship with his father and have been in a new relationship for four years. My wife came into my son's life when he was 6 years old and quickly stepped into a parental role. It was a role she enthusiastically took on.

Although she didn't give birth to my son, my wife is absolutely his second mother.

My son and wife's relationship started friendly

My wife didn't immediately take an authoritative role or force him to treat her like a parent. At first, she was more like a grown-up friend — someone he knew he needed to respect, but someone who would take him on drives to get ice cream or let him pretend to drive her car while I was inside the grocery store.

I was worried about parenting with another person all the time. As the primary parent, I wasn't used to dividing parenting duties . My wife was aware of that and always deferred to me as the primary parent.

But the bond between my son and my wife was instant. He had never met someone I was dating before, but he liked her immediately.

My wife has taken on more responsibility as a stepmom

Over the last four years, she's taken on more parental responsibility but never tried to act like she was more of a parent than myself or my son's father. She is a bonus mom, someone there to kiss him goodnight , help him with his homework, and love him unconditionally.

During the pandemic, my wife volunteered to take the lead in helping my son with virtual school so I could focus on work. She created a schedule for him, made him lunch, and ensured he kept up with assignments. When the playgrounds opened, she would take him to play, armed with a backpack full of whatever was needed.

I have gone on several overnight trips , leaving the two of them alone together. My son doesn't even call or text me when I'm gone because he's having so much fun hanging out with my wife. I never have to worry about him; I know my wife will make sure he takes a bath and goes to bed on time.

There are days when I will ask her to tag in and do the bedtime routine because I'm working or want a break, and she does it without question. My son knows that if he needs something, he doesn't have to come to me all the time.

Seeing my wife willingly step into a parental role with my son has strengthened our relationship. I knew I loved her almost immediately after we met, but seeing how my son responded to her made me more secure in my decision.

Sometimes, she still refers to him as mine, and I always remind her that she's his mom, too. We do everything as a team: school meetings, performances, birthday parties . Everyone knows us as his two moms, and there's no one else I could imagine doing this with.

My son now sees my wife as the missing piece to our family puzzle. He proudly claims her as his other mom.

"You're my mom too," my son will say when my wife calls herself his stepmom. He made that decision. My wife never wanted to force a close relationship on him, but he pushed for it.

Media has warped the perception of stepmoms

Popular media depictions of stepmoms are largely negative. The common trope is that they're evil.

For example, you have characters like Meredith Blake in the Lindsay Lohan version of "The Parent Trap," the Baroness von Schraeder in " The Sound of Music ," and, of course, the prototype: Cinderella's Evil Stepmother.

These women are always seen as temptresses who come in and seduce the father into marrying them before revealing they intend to get rid of his daughter so that she will be the only woman in his life.

Maybe there are stepmoms out there who fit this description, but by and large, stepmoms are there to be whoever their step kids want them to be.

I know that's exactly the role my wife plays, and my son and I are all the more lucky for it.

Read the original article on Business Insider

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