long distance relationship during phd

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Surviving a long distance relationship in grad school

Relationships are complicated. Add distance AND grad school to the equation and things can get even more difficult.

Before sharing my own experience with long distance and some strategies that have helped us, I thought I would share a little bit about our relationship. Steve (my fiancé) and I started dating when I went away to school to Calgary, Alberta for my Master’s degree in 2011. The distance from Calgary to Toronto is a plane ride away. After my degree, I took off and traveled to Geneva, Switzerland for 4 months and then again to Saint Lucia for 6 months – more and more plane rides. We had a couple good years together in Toronto until I decided to up and move again to Ottawa, Ontario for my PhD. As you can see, we have experienced A LOT of distance. It hasn’t been the easiest road and of course, comes with its ups and downs but by now we like to think we know what we are doing a bit more.

So these strategies may look a bit different if you are just starting a new relationship, but hope you can still take something from it.

When stressed, we often can take out our challenges on the people we love most. If this happens, take a step back to reflect what and why you are feeling this way and what caused this reaction. This step is crucial and often our ego can get in the way. But if you miss this important part, inevitability you will continue this cycle throughout your relationship.

Clear Communication & Honesty

Once you get real on your feelings, as hard as it may clearly communicate that your partner (oh and apologize for your overreaction if there was one). Sure they might not be able to fully understand your situation but if you’re overwhelmed – tell them, feeling tired – tell them and explain why, are you confused – same thing! Let them in so they know where you are at (their ability to read minds both in person and through distance is quite difficult).

If you need something from them, be specific and ask.

Maybe you need to the day without interruption. Explain what you will be doing (turning off your phone) and why (because you are swamped with school work and feeling overwhelmed) and most importantly explain that when you are done, you will set aside time for them (at the end of the day you will FaceTime them).

My fiancé and I had planned for me to head to Toronto this weekend. I got organized, reflected and came to the realization that I just won’t be able to manage the wasted time through travel. Instead, we changed plans so that he would come visit me.

Your partner will likely need to sacrifice things throughout the time you are in grad school. But remember that this sacrifice goes both ways. So when you do have the time, make sure to make them a priority. And recognize the sacrifice they are making. Be thankful. Give and show them appreciation.

Long distance is hard, exhausting and not typically fun. I miss him every day, multiple times a day. Especially on the difficult days. So make sure to add some fun to your relationship through the distance – of course when you do see eachother, set aside that time to really connect. When you are away from eachother, incorporate fun things such as watching the same TV series at the same time and texting about it. FaceTime during times when you are doing just normal things like cooking or cleaning. This semester, Steve and I are reading the same book (George Orwell 1984) to feel more connected.

Yes, long distance relationships are hard but overcoming these challenges together can strengthen your relationship quickly. It also gives you time for solitude and exercises your independence. It can strengthen your creativity and enjoyment of your work. So remember –  it’s not all bad!

What strategies do you use in your long distance relationships?

Until next time,

P.S Don’t forget to use  #ScholarCulture #ScholarSquad   #ScholarSunday   to keep me updated on your experiences as grad students.

P.P.S Applying to grad school for the 2018/19 school year? Check out  this FREE eBook  on 5 steps to a successful grad school application. Are you in grad school and struggling to find easy lunches to bring to campus? Check out three FREE recipes and full nutritional information  here .

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11 Ways to Survive a Long Distance Relationship in Grad School & Beyond

by Margherita Gaulte, MA, MS | Oct 2, 2017 | Lifehacks, Tips & Advice , Student & Intern Resources

Many couples must separate physically for a variety of reasons, including career and academic advancement, military deployment, immigration restrictions, or familial obligations. Long distance relationships are becoming increasingly common [1] and graduate students and early careers professionals have even more reasons why they might need to live apart from their partners.

Being prepared by knowing the challenges ahead can help to ensure that your relationship and career are actually strengthened by the time apart.

While there are many obvious detriments to being apart from a committed partner, there are also some advantages. Those who separated physically for work reported having more autonomy and satisfaction at work as well as experiencing more creativity [2,3].

And while the difficulties are numerous, being in a long distance relationship can be as satisfying and stable as being in a physically close relationship [4]. In fact, one study found that individuals in long distance relationships actually report higher levels of communication and dedication, and lower levels of feeling trapped and feeling likely of breaking up when compared to close proximity couples [5].

Even with these advantages for the relationship, being physically distant from one another can put an added strain on the relationship. Sadness, crying, guilt, anger, restlessness, and yearning are all common reactions to being apart [6]. These can be exacerbated through activation of our exploratory systems, that is, exposure to a new job, new people, and a new routine which can prioritize proximity to the partner [7].

What’s worse is the lack of understanding that is common for others who, despite their good intentions, may not understand the struggles of being in a long distance relationship. Experiencing closeness, whether with an understanding friend or with your partner, can provide the security needed to reactivate our inner creative and adventurous selves.

Reuniting after living apart can be one of the most difficult aspects of long distance relationships . High expectations and time apart can make the transition less than ideal. It is important to remember that it is common for couples to have difficulty with this transition despite the hype and desire to be together again.

Proximity to the partner can be gained through other means prior to reunions. You can help close the gap psychologically through memories or symbolically through pictures, phone calls, video chats, or social networking. Here are some other ways to help deal with the challenges of a long distance relationship.

Surviving a Long Distance Relationship

1. get creative.

There is no single formula of how to stay in touch, but thanks to modern technology there are more ways than ever to stay connected. Use social media to view and share pictures, write handwritten letters back and forth, watch movies or cook together on video calls, and find other unique ways you can connect to one another.

2. Expect Some Awkwardness

Many couples are surprised to find that they need time to adjust when meeting face to face after time apart. Allow yourself some time to adjust to being together each time you meet and discuss ways that you can acclimate with your partner.

3. Lower Expectations

While this might sound pessimistic, it can be a practical way to avoid feeling disappointed or let down when reuniting. Many people overly romanticize their relationships when they’re away only to find themselves in the mundane routines with their partner. Expect that while you will be overjoyed to see him or her again, you will also have times where running errands or doing chores won’t feel particularly special.

4. Grow Apart

Growing apart is inevitable and fighting it will not only stifle the both of you but lead to tension and conflict. Accept that you and your partner will grow in your own ways and encourage this. By fostering growth, you will deepen your relationship and allow you and your partner to reach your full potential.

5. Share Your Work

Does your partner really understand what you do? Instead of saying you have a paper due or are working a new project, send the instructions or outlines of what you’ll be doing. Projects you’re working on are just an abstract idea you talk about until you share the details.

Some ways you can make your work more concrete are to send class syllabi, requirements for your internship, or your job description. This will only make your successes and challenges with your work easier for your partner to understand, and help them support you more effectively.

6. Connect With Others

Develop and maintain your own community that can offer you support and help you gain your own independence. It can also be helpful to talk to others with experience in long distance relationships as a way to share your struggles and successes. Utilize forums and online groups dedicated to those facing the challenges of being far away from loved ones.

7. Learn Something New

Use the time apart as an opportunity to try a new sport or take up a hobby you’ve always wanted to try out. Even if you don’t end up with a lifelong hobby, you can keep your brain sharp and learn more about yourself.

8. Practice Self-Care

Taking better care of yourself can help with the turbulent emotions and lack of companionship. Use the time apart to develop your own independent system of dealing with feelings of loneliness and anxiety.

5 Steps to Building Your Personal Self-Care Plan

9. Foster Your Independence

Being away from what is familiar makes you learn how to navigate the world on your own without relying on the comfort of your loved one. Embrace your newfound freedom that will undoubtedly prove beneficial even after you reunite with your partner.

10. Plan Ahead

Always know the next time you’ll be seeing each other. Even if it’s three months away, it’s so helpful to be able to countdown the days until you know you’ll see your partner again. It allows you to make plans, feel excited, and know that being apart isn’t forever.

11. Have Difficult Conversations in Person

You can’t always make this happen, and it’s hard to be willing to do this for fear that you’ll mess up that precious time together. However, having difficult conversations in person can actually foster closeness and intimacy. Many partners are able to support and feel more supported by their partner in person, and big issues or decisions are more easily explored when you can be physically supported by your partner.

The challenges of living apart are as numerous and unique for each couple as the solutions. Graduate school is a stressful time that can be taxing on a relationship no matter how strong or close the two of you are. By having open communication, addressing issues as they come up, and finding your own support system you can keep your relationship strong no matter how many miles are between the two of you.

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What no one told me about grad school: long-distance means far away

To say that I underestimated moving across the United States is an understatement. I grew up in a small-ish town in Southern California and went to college a short 50-minute drive away. I thought this meant that I had “moved out,” like a real adult. But I would soon learn that going to your childhood home every other weekend to do laundry doesn’t count. Like most Californians, I was certain that I was never leaving California. I planned to go to grad school programs somewhere close, but not too close, like San Diego or Los Angeles. I wasn’t even letting my imagination venture as far as Davis or Berkeley. It’s almost endearing to look back at how naïve I was.

So of course, after powering through a bachelor’s degree in mathematics, I got accepted into the mathematics Ph.D. program at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. You know, 3,000 miles away from my beloved California. I was so excited, and all my friends and family were ridiculously proud of me. I was accepting that offer faster than you can say, “Pack your bags.” Every time someone mentioned how far away it was, I thought, “Pshhh, I’m an adult. I’ve lived away from home. I’ll be fine!” True, it’s not like everyone abandoned me. I had Facebook, a smartphone, and Skype. How could I be alone when technology was on my side? But a pesky three-hour time difference, a dramatic change in scenery, and new cultural norms meant reading texts and occasionally seeing the faces I love on a screen wasn’t cutting it.

Now, I know that for international students, this shock is way more extreme. I have the utmost respect for someone who, not only leaves their state or province, but leaves their country to pursue educational or work-related opportunities. I’m hoping those individuals will give me a little slack here and relate to my story, even though I didn’t have to learn a new language or currency system. I don’t write this to discourage anyone from traveling for college, work, or graduate school. I write this so that, when the time comes, you’re ready to make that transition and are prepared to work harder in your social life than you had in the past. Long-distance relationships can mean many things, so I’ll break mine down into three categories: Friends, Family, and My Partner.

No one tells you this on graduation day, but making friends as an adult can be rough. There’s no compulsory reason for you to be in the same place at the same time. There are no more convenient times where you all happen to be free every week to hang out. And the people around you are most likely no longer at the same life stage as you. My advice to you here? Invest in others. Be proactive, and be reliable. It may seem weird at first to have to schedule extremely specific times to hang out, (Can you get coffee with me this Tuesday from 1:30-2:00 PM at *inset central location here*?) but it’s worth it. And don’t flake out! For faraway friends, I recommend scheduled online group chats like Google Hangout. This takes investment from all parties, but it allows you structured, intentional time to catch up on everything going on in your lives. It can be a lifesaver to have something familiar like this to look forward to, especially when you’ve gone on a few awkward coffee dates with potential new friends.

None of these topics have an easy answer, but this one may be the most difficult. Family relationships are tough, and this section only really makes sense if you want to stay in touch with your family. Some things that helped me were frequent, predictable phone calls. My mom commutes to work around 5:30 AM in California. I commute to work around 8 AM on the East Coast. Perfect timing for a daily car ride chat about the goings-on in our lives, the weather, the news, anything that was on our minds. Another thing people typically love is getting real mail . I send more birthday cards than birthday texts, and I made it a conscious point to send a Christmas card every year. I didn’t know if these made a difference, but when I visited my husband’s side of the family, the Christmas cards were almost the first thing everyone mentioned. Finally, book some trips. And remind your family that planes fly in both directions. I visited home often, but it was nothing compared to the excitement of showing my mom, grandma, and aunt around my new home in New England. It made me truly appreciate where I was living and created a fondness for my new home now that I had memories of my family having brunch at one of my favorite local breakfast spots.

I consider my husband and me pretty much pros at long-distance. Not only am I a grad student, but he’s in the US Navy. Talk about jobs that take you to faraway places.  We met in California weeks before I flew to Massachusetts for grad school and he flew to Illinois for boot camp. While I continued to live in the Northeast, he moved to South Carolina and upstate New York over 2.5 years of training. Oh, and did I mention that somewhere in there we got married in California? Planning a wedding from 3,000 miles away when your partner is 1,000 miles from you is no joke. The “two-body problem” of coordinating where you and your partner will be in a transitionary period of your lives is always difficult. You both need to be understanding and, above all, excellent at communicating. Compassion is key. This type of situation only works when you’re each willing to support the other, no matter how much you don’t understand what they’re going through. The enemies here? Jealousy, immaturity, and insecurity. Despite what magazines, romantic comedies, or Nick Jonas tell you, unfounded jealousy is not a compliment. These are things that need to be communicated through early and often. Nothing says grudge like waiting to address something until you see your partner in person 57 days from now. The moral of the story is: long-distance means far away. Be realistic about where you’re going, and be ready to put in more effort than you’ve had to in the past. Relationships of all kinds require investment, communication, and empathy. But investment in others often leads to investment in your own wellbeing. “When you really want something, you will find a way. When you don’t really want something, you’ll find an excuse.” – Rachel Hollis.

Related Content

Dating A PhD Student Long Distance: Building A Future from Afar!

The academic commitment of a phd student, balancing love and scholarship, distance and communication barriers, effective communication strategies, leveraging technology for connection, overcoming time zone differences, keeping the spark alive in long-distance relationships, creative ideas for virtual dates, managing expectations and emotional needs, navigating uncertainties in academic and relationship timelines, discussing future plans and goals, the role of support and understanding in long-distance relationships, maximizing quality time during visits, balancing relationship needs with academic responsibilities, strategies for keeping the relationship exciting and fulfilling, conclusion: embracing the journey together, dating a phd student long distance: navigating challenges.

Dating a PhD student long distance brings a set of challenges that are distinct and multifaceted.

This journey, while filled with its own rewards, requires a keen awareness of the hurdles involved and a commitment to overcoming them together.

• Impact on the Relationship: The limited availability can strain the relationship, requiring both partners to be flexible and understanding.
• Planning Quality Time: Set aside dedicated times for communication.
• Sharing Academic Progress: Keeps the non-student partner involved and informed.
• Methods of Support: Regular check-ins, listening, and offering encouragement.
• Joint Goals: Discuss and align your future plans, considering both the relationship and academic achievements.
• Overcoming Distance: Regular video calls, surprise virtual dates, and sharing daily experiences help maintain a close bond.
• Open and Honest Dialogue: Ensures both partners feel heard and valued.
• Regular Updates: Share both the highs and lows of your days.

Strategies for Overcoming Challenges

In summary, dating a PhD student long distance demands a blend of patience, flexibility, and open communication.

By acknowledging these challenges and actively working on them, couples can foster a strong, supportive, and enduring relationship, even across miles.

Strengthening Communication

In a relationship where you’re dating a PhD student long distance, the cornerstone of your connection is communication.

It’s not just about talking more, but about talking smart and making each interaction count.

• Focused Conversations: Share meaningful updates, feelings, and experiences.
• Active Listening: Show genuine interest and empathy in your partner’s life.
• Honesty is Key: Share your joys, frustrations, and fears openly.
• Video Calls: Platforms like Zoom or Skype allow for face-to-face interaction.
• Messaging Apps: For sharing quick updates and staying in the loop.
• Virtual Dates: Watch movies together online, play games, or even cook together over video.
• Surprise Messages: Send unexpected texts or voice notes to keep the excitement alive.
• Plan Ahead: Schedule calls at times convenient for both, considering each other’s routines.
• Flexibility: Be willing to adjust your schedule occasionally for spontaneous chats.
• Quality Time: Even short conversations should be meaningful and engaging.

Communication Strategies and Tools

In essence, effective communication in a long-distance relationship with a PhD student involves a mix of traditional and modern approaches, ensuring that every conversation strengthens the bond.

By embracing these strategies, couples can maintain a vibrant and connected relationship, regardless of the miles between them.

Building Emotional Intimacy from Afar

When dating a PhD student long distance, building and maintaining emotional intimacy is a vital component of the relationship.

It’s about creating a deep connection that transcends physical distance.

• Daily Check-ins: Share your day-to-day experiences, thoughts, and feelings.
• Deep Conversations: Discuss your dreams, fears, and aspirations.
• Letters and Gifts: Send handwritten notes or thoughtful gifts to show you care.
• Watch Parties: Stream movies or shows together online.
• Online Games: Play interactive games to enjoy some light-hearted fun.
• Shared Interests: Explore topics or hobbies you both enjoy.
• Open Discussions: Talk about what you both expect from the relationship.
• Adjusting Expectations: Be willing to adapt as circumstances change.
• Empathy and Understanding: Recognize and validate each other’s feelings and struggles.

Emotional Intimacy Strategies

To sum up, fostering emotional intimacy in a long-distance relationship with a PhD student involves a blend of consistent communication, creative virtual interactions, and a deep understanding of each other’s emotional needs.

By embracing these elements, couples can create a strong, emotionally connected relationship, regardless of the physical distance.

Planning for the Future

In a relationship where one partner is a PhD student and the couple is managing long distance, planning for the future becomes a crucial aspect.

It’s about aligning academic goals with relationship milestones and moving forward together.

• Adjustable Timelines: Be prepared for changes in graduation dates or research timelines.
• Joint Planning: Discuss how these changes might impact your relationship plans.
• Long-Term Planning: Discuss living together, marriage, or other significant steps and how they fit with academic commitments.
• Career Aspirations: Understand each other’s career ambitions and how they fit into your shared future.
• Lifestyle Choices: Discuss where you want to live, lifestyle preferences, and other key decisions.
• Short-Term Goals: Plan visits, vacations, or other immediate plans.
• Long-Term Goals: Consider where you see yourselves in five, ten, or more years.
• Encouragement and Motivation: Boost each other’s morale, especially during academic or professional setbacks.
• Empathy: Show compassion for the demands of academic life.

Future Planning Strategies

In essence, planning for the future in a long-distance relationship with a PhD student involves a harmonious blend of understanding, open communication, and mutual support.

By navigating these aspects together, couples can build a strong foundation for a shared future, filled with both academic and relationship successes.

Making the Most of Physical Reunions

When you’re dating a PhD student long distance, the moments you spend together in person are precious. These reunions are a chance to strengthen your bond and create lasting memories.

• Shared Interests: Whether it’s hiking, visiting museums, or cooking together, engaging in shared hobbies can be deeply fulfilling.
• Relaxation Time: Don’t overschedule. Ensure you have downtime to simply enjoy each other’s company.
• Surprise Elements: Small surprises or thoughtful gestures can make your time together even more special.
• Flexible Scheduling: Be prepared to adjust plans if necessary due to their academic workload.
• Supportive Environment: Create a space where both of you can work if needed, turning it into a shared experience.
• Meaningful Interactions: Even short periods spent together can be deeply meaningful if spent mindfully.
• Adventure and Exploration: Whether it’s a local adventure or exploring a new city, these experiences can invigorate your relationship.
• Growth and Development: Talk about how you’ve both grown and how your relationship has evolved.

Reunion Strategies

In summary, making the most of physical reunions in a long-distance relationship with a PhD student involves careful planning, a balance of fun and responsibility, and a focus on creating special, memorable moments.

These reunions are not just about being together but about nurturing and celebrating your unique connection.

Embarking on a relationship with a PhD student long distance is a unique journey that intertwines challenges with opportunities for growth.

It’s about more than just enduring the distance, it’s about thriving within it.

This journey demands resilience, adaptability, and a deep commitment to nurturing your bond.

By embracing effective communication, understanding the complexities of academic life, and creatively making the most of your time together, you can build a future that’s rich in love and mutual support, even when miles apart .

• How can I keep the connection strong in a long-distance relationship? Regular communication, engaging in creative virtual dates, and sharing the small and significant moments of your daily life are essential to maintaining a strong and vibrant connection.
• What are some challenges of dating a PhD student long distance? You may face challenges such as balancing the demanding academic commitments of a PhD student with the needs of your relationship, managing differences in time zones, and sustaining emotional intimacy over distance.
• How can we plan for the future in a long-distance relationship? Openly discussing your future plans and goals, aligning your relationship milestones with academic timelines, and offering mutual support for each other’s aspirations are crucial steps in planning your future together.
• What are effective ways to manage visits in a long-distance relationship? To make the most of your visits, plan enjoyable activities together, respect each other’s commitments, and focus on creating special, memorable moments.
• How can we handle the uncertainty in a PhD student’s schedule? Flexibility and understanding are vital. Be prepared for shifts in schedules and have open discussions about how these changes might impact your relationship, adapting your plans as needed.

In summary, while dating a PhD student long distance presents its unique set of challenges, it also offers a chance to build a deeply meaningful and resilient relationship.

Through open communication, empathy, and a willingness to adapt, you can create a strong foundation for a lasting partnership.